The name’s Pierce, Andrew Pierce… and like most people, I developed a bit of a James Bond fixation after seeing No Time To Die.
A certain portion of him is, however.
Gazing enviously at Daniel Craig’s rippling torso, I started to get a terrible case of tummy envy.
Although I was 50 years too young for my own good, Daniel turned 60 in February. He had the physique of an elite athlete. Whereas I… don’t.
I haven’t done too badly, though: for the past 30-odd years I have boasted the same 30 in waist, and while I knew Michelangelo would never have considered me as a life model, I thought I was in pretty good shape.
However, after giving up on the gym lockdown, my stomach began to feel heavy. Six months ago the weight suddenly piled on, and my waist was already too large.
It was depressing to note that I also felt a strain in my legs when I tucked into my pants for the first time this morning.
It confirmed what I suspected: My weight was 11st 4lb. My weight at the beginning of this year was 10st 12lb.
Daniel encouraged me after many months of feeling self-pity. He inspired me to act and set out on my quest to achieve the Holy Grail for male fitness: the six pack, which is a sharply defined abdomen.
It was either now or never… You can only live two lives.
Before and After: I felt a bit more bloated after having stopped going to the gym. Six months back, my stomach began to grow and I was soon noticing that my hips were bulging.
After seeing No Time To Die, like most people I became a little obsessed with James Bond. I think he was right on one part. Gazing enviously at Daniel Craig’s rippling torso, I started to get a terrible case of tummy envy
If men’s health magazines are to be believed, every man is just a few weeks away from a ripped, lean, washboard stomach.
For inspiration, I searched the Internet and came across an exercise program that promised a flat stomach in six weeks.
This involved jumping up and down, squatting and then throwing myself onto the ground as quickly as I could in short bursts of one minute. It made me feel sick — for days.
Is this the program’s name? The name of the program? You were more likely than me to have a hernia if you had a six-pack.
The bulge needed to be tackled differently. Then I discovered it in my email inbox. Above an artist’s impression of a rippling torso were the words: ‘Muscle man: the lazy guy’s guide to killer abs.’ Now we were talking!
One machine, EMsculpt Neo (or EMsculpt Neo), was tempting me. It claims it can mimic the effects of 20,000 sit ups or crunches in only 30 minutes.
That intrigued me. The term ‘sit-up’ to me was simply the posture I adopted to drink tea in bed.
I’ve always avoided them in the gym, because the prospect of time in the weights room with grunting, groaning, sweaty men held no appeal.
The EMSculpt Neo treatment promised me a quick change. What’s more, it would do all the work for me. It comes at a cost.
Miracles rarely come cheap, and the EMsculpt is no exception: One 30-minute session costs an eye-watering £950, and at least four sessions are recommended – at EF Medispa clinics, in London’s Chelsea, Kensington and St John’s Wood – to do the job.
Only one condition is that you must be at least 18 years old. I was willing to try it.
How does this work? The EMSculpt Ne emits high-intensity electromagnetic energies and radio frequency.
They combine to build muscle and eliminate fat cells, according to the blurb. In one half hour session.
What would it do? Would it hurt?
The treatment was just launched by EF Medispa Kensington.
The staff told me that I could have my stomach, buttocks and thighs done. This procedure helps slimmer clients build muscle, not lose fat. There was minimal discomfort, they claimed.
So I agreed to do it and, taking the clinic’s advice, had only a fluid breakfast and nothing for lunch. At 2pm I was ready to go.
I was then strapped to my stomach with a device resembling a paddle. My technician Virginija (a 38-year old Lithuanian woman who was only 28 years old) secured the device around my stomach.
My fat stomach was strapped with a paddle-like device. After it had been secured, Virginija, a 38 year-old Lithuanian technician who looked just 28, switched on the power.
As the machine sucked in my fat, it made a low sound like a vacuum sticking to a rug. It was advised that I could feel pinching, burning, pulling, or tugging.
It felt like a woodpecker chipping away at the tree. Click, click, click, knock, knock. There were occasional bleeps or bumps.
My abdomen was then rolled upwards and downwards by the high-intensity, solitary waves. The sensation of tightening in my stomach was overwhelming.
The session went on, and the waves intensified, with the longest lasting 5 seconds.
Between rounds of vibrating (some that were so strong I thought they would lift me off the table), and hard taps, the vibrations from the paddles varied between round after round of buzzing. It felt almost like somebody was knocking on my stomach with a piece of glass.
At times I felt like an enormous magnet pulling my stomach muscles upwards. Then it took the air from me for a brief moment.
Now, I understand why the instructor advised me not to use my full stomach when I went under the paddle.
Nearing the end of my session, I noticed an increase in intensity and felt a strong sensation. There were occasional, sharp but short, stabbing pains.
These were muscle contractions. Every time I thought I couldn’t handle another contraction, the waves stopped. This sounds familiar to all mothers who are out there.
The EMSculpt Neo treatment promised me a quick change. What’s more, it would do all the work for me. It comes at a cost. One 30-minute session costs an eye-watering £950, and at least four sessions are recommended
Virginija stated that waves of energy were breaking down fat cells by a process called Lipolysis.
‘The fat cells, under intense attack, give up the fight and die,’ she told me.
‘The body naturally eliminates them and you can help the process by drinking two to three litres of water each day. You will be literally flushing the cells away.’
After half an hour, the paddle was removed and my normally pale tummy became glowing pink.
I got off the couch feeling invigorated, like I’d just done a rigorous workout, which convinced me it must be working.
The next hour, my stomach colour was normal. I changed into my clothes and went back to work. There is never a moment of downtime.
When I got home, I studied my stomach in the mirror and couldn’t see any difference. But I could hear Virginija’s words: ‘The fat cells are still dying.’
The only other rule was: You must not consume alcohol within 24 hours.
‘Alcohol is a fat bomb for the stomach. It’s the equivalent of pure sugar and sits straight on the waist, which stops the fat being burnt off until the alcohol has been processed,’ Virginija told me.
Following the second session the week after, my suit pants fit better.
Some of my flabbiness seemed to have disappeared, and I felt certain. Although I felt less pain during the session because it was familiar, I did feel the intense waves each time.
When we exercise in the gym, we are said to work on about 35 per cent of the muscle group, on average — and more like 55 per cent for a hardcore athlete.
This machine claims to be 100 percent effective in exercising you. According to the publicity blurb, this machine can also increase your muscle strength up to 25%.
My stomach had swelled a bit after the third session. I was able to tell that my muscles were weaker.
I had experimented with planks in my gym days: this is when you raise your whole body off the floor, with only your palms and toes touching the ground, as though you’re about to do a press-up.
The maximum time I could keep the position in the gym was 60 seconds. The day following my third session, I attempted planking and was able to hold the position for two minutes.
I’ve lost 4lb in weight, the flab has tightened, my stomach is flatter, and there is definitely more definition. While I won’t be striding the streets like a veritable Adonis — or James Bond — when I look closely in the mirror, I think I can see two abs
So, my muscles strengthened. After the course of four weeks, my time was now three minutes.
To feel fitter I began to do more exercise at home, and I walked farther each day. I avoided the Tube stations’ escalators and ran up the stairs in an effort to burn calories.
My final session saw me wander through the EF Medispa clinic which is spread over five floors. The clinic treats men who have erectile problems.
In case someone thought I was on my way, I quickly passed them. FemiLift offered non-surgical intimacy treatment for females. It was then I realized that my decision had been a mistake.
There was also a place to treat cellulite and a another clinic offering a range of anti-ageing facial and décolletage treatments, all under the same roof. My quest to get a 6-pack was not over.
Virginija and I were both excited about the fourth session. For about 20 minutes, the waves crashed at full strength.
It was the same sharp but fleeting stabbing pains that I remember feeling.
Virginija removed all the paddles and applied some soothing cream to my stomach. It was now the best it’d ever felt.
Both we whooped. It was clear that my stomach had contracted.
I’ve lost 4lb in weight, the flab has tightened, my stomach is flatter, and there is definitely more definition.
While I won’t be striding the streets like a veritable Adonis — or James Bond — when I look closely in the mirror, I think I can see two abs.
This is not really a 6-pack, it’s a 2-pack. It looks even better.
If money were no object, I’d go back every three months to maintain it. As it is, however, I might have to pinch my nose to get back to the gym.