If you have a problem, email Caroline at c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. Caroline is open to reading all letters, but she regrets that she can’t answer every one.
He would rather have porn than make love to me
Q For over twenty years, I haven’t had sex. He said that he didn’t want to have sex because of type 2 diabetes and suggested that we would just accept it. In my ignorance, I accepted this life of isolation. But I craved affection – to give and receive kisses, to hold hands and to feel like a sexual being again. This impacted my confidence, and it made me feel brokenhearted. During the lockdowns I found out that my husband paid for porn channels over many years in order to view young women. Following many angry words, when I asked him why he had hidden this and masturbated every night instead of loving me, he replied that I was not a young woman any more and shouldn’t be interested in sex. There were many kinds of love. He told me that this was the only kind. At 71 I still cry daily at the memory of these lonely years. I have asked him to leave but he hasn’t found anywhere to live. I wish I could meet a man who I could share the good things in life with – love, romance and holidays – in the years that I have left. I feel that I have wasted enough time and am now looking at dating sites, but I’m nervous and don’t know where to start.
She gave the money to our children.
I’m sorry to hear how unhappy your marriage has been. You must have felt devastated to discover that your husband was watching porn 24/7. I’m not surprised you find yourself crying often. Your confidence will have been undermined and your husband’s reaction will have left you feeling undesired and unwanted. Women in similar situations often believe they don’t have enough to offer their husbands and partners, but that isn’t true. Your husband’s use of porn is no reflection on you, and is actually all to do with his awful addiction.
Counselling is a great way to deal with the loss. Your GP may be able to help you. You may find it much easier to get him out of your life with the proper support. He is terrible and you have to continue living with him. Your interest in dating is a great thing. It’s a sign that you believe you can find someone who loves you and will be there for you. I’m not surprised you are nervous and it is very important to stay safe when dating and not fall for scams – some people pretend to look for love when actually they want your money – so before you sign up, search for ‘dating in later life’ on the Age UK website or call their advice line on 0800 055 6112 to guide you through the process. There are several dating sites that cater to seniors, such as silversingles.co.uk or sagadating.co.uk. If you can afford it, there are also matchmaking agencies such as avenuesdating.co.uk or drawingdownthemoon.co.uk
How can I make a new start in life?
Q I had vowed to myself last January that I would make it a habit of getting my hands on the best. My dead-end job is gone and I am now free to do other things. My dead-end love by The end of the year. Yet, here I am. For ten years, I’ve been doing the same job. I don’t hate it and it pays well, but it’s become routine and there aren’t many chances for promotion. As for my partner, we’ve been together for seven years but he says he never wants to marry again as his first divorce was so expensive. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to marry again either. I love him. Man, but he, just like my job can seem a little boring. My children have grown so I think I can go off and have adventures. Why can’t The courage I have to flee is something that I am grateful for. Which one do you prefer?
It’s tempting to suggest that you make some kind of grand gesture – team up with your best friend, travel across America in an open-top car and give yourself up to whatever adventure comes your way. Real life isn’t quite so dramatic. So to look at your situation, yes, I believe fear is holding you back, perhaps because of past difficulties – but I wonder if each situation is keeping you trapped in the other. It is hard to get out of either one because it feels like you are being suffocated. It doesn’t actually sound as if you or your partner are terribly committed to each other. Your partner might sense your feelings of ambivalence and marriage is more than a transaction in money. You might consider seeking counselling to determine if this is the right type of relationship. If you do decide to leave, the counseling may also help you to find a better job.