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My male friend makes my partner jealous
Q My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. I absolutely love him. He is incredibly caring and generous towards me and my child in a way that I’ve never felt from anyone else before. The problem is that I have a platonic male friend who I’ve known for 20 years. There have never been any romantic feelings between us, even during spells when we’ve both been single, but my partner still finds it difficult. We’ve socialised as a couple with my friend a few times but it always ends badly. One day later, my partner turns hostile. He insists my friend has ulterior motives. We’ve done nothing to warrant this interpretation: we’re not flirty together and don’t connect on this level. While my partner and me always reconcile later on, our arguments over the topic leave us both feeling angry for days. This is something my friend doesn’t know and would not be surprised if it caused problems in our relationship. I would like to suggest my partner seeks counselling for what I perceive to be jealousy or insecurity issues, but he’s a proud man and I imagine even the mention of this would start another argument. I don’t think I should cut my friend out of my life to keep my partner happy – and, to be fair, he hasn’t asked me to – but I can’t see a way forward.
Every time we socialise with him it ends badly
There is often debate over whether you can have a purely platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The answer is not a simple yes or no because some people can and some can’t. It will often depend on how secure the sense of self is – whether someone is looking for validation through being admired by the opposite sex, which can spill over into something more.
In your case, it doesn’t sound as if this friendship poses any threat to your partner, which suggests that his attitude is the problem. Although he may seem loving, there could be warning signs that his control is a problem. He appears jealous of the years you have known this man, as though he can’t permit you any part of your life that isn’t wrapped up in his, and that worries me. Please explain that he should not expect you to give up a friendship of 20 years – and you would end up resenting him for it. He needs to remember it’s your experiences, including friendships, that make you ‘you’ – the person he’s in love with. I wonder if he’s been cheated on or hurt in the past and so is very insecure. Counselling is a good idea if he reacts negatively to your suggestion. The situation is making you unhappy and you shouldn’t be afraid of seeking ways to make it better. Explain to him why he is so angry and how it will affect your future. I would suggest joint counselling rather than him going alone – try relate.org.uk.
Why were we not invited to the party instead?
Q Our eldest grandson had his fourth birthday recently, but my son didn’t We invite you to join the celebration He said that it would be too chaotic. This was an excuse, I thought. The other grandparent, our son and his family were also invited. They would also be busy that day so we wouldn’t have time to bring his card and present. Instead they visited our house for just a few hours the day prior. We were invited to our grandson’s other parties. We are a close family and have always got on, so I can’t understand why we were excluded. I feel angry and upset but my wife refuses to discuss it with me, so I’m not sure whether to approach my son or to just forget it.
This sounds very painful. I’m sorry that your wife won’t discuss it – she must feel hurt too. But it’s understandable that you want to talk, which will help process your feelings. Perhaps her reluctance is due to the fact that she sees your anger. Talk to your son. But try not to do so from an ‘angry and upset’ position, as this is unlikely to go well. As calmly and clearly as you can, tell him that it was a regretful decision not to invite you. Pay attention to your response when he replies. When people feel criticised they’re often very defensive and can answer with a great deal of self-justification. This tends only to widen a rift, so don’t immediately take umbrage or get upset, just listen carefully. Before you reply, give the answer time to think. Of course, there may be no reason – maybe your son and daughter-in-law were just being thoughtless. Communication is the best way to resolve this situation.