Miriam and Alan are Lost In Scotland
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DIY SOS: Children In Need Special
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Why didn’t Miriam Margolyes join the Carry On Gang, even though she was a good-natured person?
Kenneth Williams and Co. would love her unique looks and innuendoes.
Like Barbara Windsor, she’s just 4 ft 11 in tall. They are so different in all other ways that they could have been twins. . . a pair of ‘sex thimbles’ for Sid James to lust after.
Miriam’s whole life is a trove of saucy, ‘ooh matron’ anecdotes. Explaining to her friend Alan Cumming why she wasn’t going to take the wheel on their road trip, on Lost In Scotland (C4), she said: ‘My knickers fell off the first time I took my driving test.’
Miriam Margolyes and lan Cumming embark on an exciting three-part trip across Scotland. They reconnect with their roots through series Miriam And Alan Lost In Scotland
Explaining to her friend Alan Cumming why she wasn’t going to take the wheel on their road trip, on Lost In Scotland, she said: ‘My knickers fell off the first time I took my driving test’
Before she even got into the examiner’s car, she added, ‘I felt that soft rustle of silk sliding down my leg.’
‘Sounds like a bad porn novel,’ Alan said dubiously.
It was unclear how these two glamorous thesps got along, even though they performed the Graham Norton Show together last season.
The two of them sat together and admired each other, although that may have just been an act. Perhaps Channel 4’s bosses had an extra camper van, and wanted to make a travelogue featuring a celebrity exploring their Scottish roots. David Tennant and Maggie Smith weren’t available, so this was the next best thing.
Dame Maggie wouldn’t supply the constant stream of smut and toilet jokes — giggling over the ‘vibrators’ on a loom in a tartan mill, or straddling a park bench with a cry of: ‘I haven’t had a legover for a while.’
Miriam had to use a wheelchair on some of her forays. As they trundled along, she boomed: ‘We can go as far as we like — as the actress said to the bishop.’ No wonder Alan was looking frayed well before the end of the first hour.
His own childhood in rural Scotland was hideous, and as he revisited the home where he grew up with a violent, bullying father, he evidently wanted to talk about it — how his dad cropped his head with sheep shears and imposed bizarre punishments, like having to mow the lawn in the dark.
Standing in the garden, afraid to go into the house itself, Alan said: ‘Some of the most traumatic things in my life happened in that shed.’
No more. Miriam didn’t know how to draw him out. Miriam could talk only about herself and cry. Alan was able to comfort her.
DIY SOS Children In Need Special (BBC1) featured Rhod Gilbert as the presenter, Nick Knowles was replaced by comedian Rhod Gilbert
The volunteers’ mission — to construct an adventure playground (pictured) for a charity helping inner-city youngsters — was urgently needed
It was a frustration, as was the heavily milked section on Cawdor Castle, where Alan’s ancestors once worked as servants.
Throughout the episode, we were kept in suspense, waiting to find out if a DNA test proved he was related, through some long-forgotten backstairs fling, to the laird’s family. He wasn’t.
The program lacked an engaging personal story. This was also true for DIY SOS Children In Need Special (BBC1) with Rhod Gilbert replacing Nick Knowles. The volunteers’ mission — to construct an adventure playground for a charity helping inner-city youngsters — was urgently needed.
It’s great to know that the Beeb’s fundraising efforts help pay for such good work.
The best DIY SOS editions have left us feeling choked from the beginning, filled with stories about family tragedy and strength.
This was what was lacking. The emotion didn’t come until the end, when Rhod broke down as he thanked all the crew for their generosity and hard work.
At the very best, this big Welshman’s voice sounds like gravel in an electric food processor. Even more charming is his ability to shed tears.