Sir: Am I alone to find the modish catchphrase ‘the elephant within the room’ deeply offensive?

As an elephant of a few years’ standing, I’ve made it a common rule by no means to enter folks’s rooms with out a prior invitation.

Nor would I ever consider lurking in a room, hoping that others would possibly ignore my presence for any time frame.

And what, might one ask, is fallacious with entertaining an elephant?

Talking on behalf of the remainder of the elephant neighborhood, I’d say that we elephants are, as an entire, well-mannered and intensely convivial.

Agreed, a few of us — maybe even most — could also be ‘fuller-figured’, however we take each affordable precaution towards treading on objects of furnishings and do our greatest to entertain.

I’ve even been recognized to stability a brightly colored ball on the top of my trunk, although solely when requested.

Yours faithfully, Nellie the Elephant.

Craig Brown: Am I alone in finding the modish catchphrase ‘the elephant in the room’ deeply offensive? (stock image)

Craig Brown: Am I alone to find the modish catchphrase ‘the elephant within the room’ deeply offensive? (inventory picture)

Sir: Might I say how deeply moved I used to be by the current letter out of your correspondent Ms Nellie the Elephant. Whether or not in or out of rooms, elephants deserve the respect of us all.

Nonetheless, I consider that these of us within the crocodile neighborhood endure much more as victims of informal abuse.

Too typically, the producers of fly-on-the-wall ‘wildlife documentaries’ characteristic us solely once we occur to be attacking deer, birds and wildebeest.

In ruthless pursuit of rankings, they refuse to movie us pursuing any of our extra harmless leisure actions, resembling basking within the solar, paddling, birdwatching, having a chat or having fun with a superb e book. 

As an alternative, they wait till we’re peckish and there’s a small hoofed mammal in sight. Then — and solely then — will they set their cameras operating.

And what number of extra occasions should I and my fellow crocodiles have to listen to the phrases ‘crocodile tears’?

This deeply offensive selection of phrases implies that we crocodiles are unable to really feel true emotion. Nothing may very well be farther from the case. 

Solely yesterday, I heard the opening bars of Barry Manilow’s traditional Can’t Smile With out You whereas chewing on a hummingbird and my eyes misted over.

Yours ever, Clarence B. Crocodile.

Sir: As a fly, I take exception to your final correspondent’s use of the deeply offensive phrase ‘fly-on-the-wall’.

Flies have sufficient to place up with already. We’re brushed away, sprayed, cursed and, above all, swatted. 

However we must always not should take care of the type of informal abuse implied by ‘fly-on-the-wall’. It suggests we’re at all times lurking on partitions and ceilings, snooping on others.

In reality, the alternative is the reality. If we spot something untoward happening beneath us, we maintain our eyes firmly to the entrance, and get on with our personal enterprise.

Yours faithfully, A. Fly (Mrs).

Sir: As a brown cow, I do want everybody would cease saying ‘How now brown cow’. It belittles these of us within the brown cow neighborhood, and isn’t intelligent — or amoosing.

Sincerely, Clarabel Brown-Cow.

Sir: As a goat who suffers bouts of giddiness, would possibly I ask your readers to desist from utilizing the phrases ‘play the giddy goat’. This phrase treats giddiness in goats as a topic for humour, moderately than as a medical affliction, recognised and handled by main vets the world over.

Let me guarantee your readers that there is no such thing as a component of ‘play’ about it. Giddiness is not any laughing matter, significantly if one occurs to be a goat.

Yours ever, Giles P. Goat.

Craig Brown: As a brown cow, I do wish everyone would stop saying ‘How now brown cow’ (stock picture)

Craig Brown: As a brown cow, I do want everybody would cease saying ‘How now brown cow’ (inventory image)

Sir: Might I specific my deep dislike of the horrid phrase ‘previous goat’.

It’s generally used to counsel that veteran male goats like me are hell-bent within the pursuit of enticing younger feminine goats who might not approve of our advances.

Nothing may very well be farther from the reality. As an previous goat who simply occurs to stay with a faithful younger companion a few years his junior, I heartily resent the suggestion that this association is in any approach ‘unseemly’. And, in addition to, she appears to be like the bee’s knees with nothing on.

Sincerely, Ernest Goat, OAP

Sir: Am I alone in feeling deep damage at your earlier correspondent’s informal use of the expression ‘bee’s knees’?

We bees dedicate ourselves to very important neighborhood work all year long. The very last thing we want is others drawing consideration to our knees, because of which lots of my colleagues have been pushed to put on lengthy skirts or leggings.

Yours faithfully, A. Bee.