1: Georgie Porgie’s first apology
Sorry if this has caused any offence. These girls were not my intention.
Although it was a more intimate peck than a kiss, technically, the act could have been considered a kiss.
2: Georgie Porgie’s second apology
Since my last statement two days ago, it has been brought to my attention that, by kissing those girls, I may — or may not — have made them cry. While I can’t recall any such incident, it is clear that I am a man who values honour and will stand by these charges, regardless of how baseless they may seem.
King Henry VIII, by the workshop of Hans Holbein the Younger, c 1537. Two of the six wives he married were famously executed by this monarch.
3: Henry VIII May 20, 1536
Please accept my apologies. Recognizing that there are millions of married couples who have never been able to divorce their head, I am sorry.
But, I have been informed that Anne Boleyn my wife inadvertently lost the top of her head after a sharp object, such as an axe, or sword fell onto it.
Let me be clear, I was not in the room during the event. I therefore am not qualified to answer any questions. Thomas Cromwell, an independent investigator who I have requested a report from me cannot predict the results.
I am a recently widower and would like to ask for privacy from the media so that I can grieve my wife.
4: The Pied Piper of Hamelin
My goal as a pest control officer is to eradicate unwanted rodents from cities and towns.
However, I’ve learned enough in these past days to realize that there are things I didn’t get right in regards to Hamelin and for which I need to take full responsibility.
In hindsight I would have realized that millions of people might see the situation that way, even though so many of their children disappeared without my fault. For that, I sincerely apologize.
5: Jaws on Amity Island in autumn 1975
An apology is offered for what happened in the summer.
At no point did I have any intention of ruining people’s vacations by eating them alive. If someone wanted to take a dip in the pool during lunch, that was their choice.
Jaws 2 (1978), sequel to Steven Spielberg’s hit 1975 movie, is a poster.
However, I have clearly upset people, and now that I have had time to reflect on the recent report in the Amity Island Courier, there is no question I’m sorry for the upset that may or may not have been caused by my swimming beneath them and enjoying a good nibble.
I’m sorry if, as a hard-working shark who has struggled all his life to keep moving, there are those who feel I am not entitled to a decent meal. I’m also deeply sorry to hear that some of those I ate did not enjoy being eaten.
In hindsight I see that my enthusiasm for swimming could have been misunderstood. I am sorry.
William the Conqueror is pictured. He’s the Norman first ruler in England.
6: William the Conqueror
Following the Battle of Hastings, one of William, Duke of Normandy’s senior ministers was interviewed on the fledgling Today programme on Radio 4.
Senior minister: First of all, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know the details. Like lots of other people I’ve seen the Bayeux Tapestry, but that’s unreliable.
Interviewer:You would then agree to the fact that King Harold was killed by an arrow shot from his eye.
Senior minister: As I say, I wasn’t there. So I’m going to wait and see the details of the investigation. The Duke apologized, which should be celebrated.
Interviewer: What exactly does the Duke of Normandy apologize for?
Senior minister: According to King Harold, the regrets about what happened are now clearer in hindsight. But he ventured onto the so-called ‘battlefield’ only for a few minutes to thank his men for all their hard work. We should talk at a later time if an arrow is fired. I can’t comment on tittle-tattle.
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