July
- Jackie Weaver (parish councilor Zoom) is announced as James Bond in a surprising announcement. The leaked movie scene shows Jackie tied down to a chair as Dr No and his team attempt to drown her by threatening formal complaints and points of order.
- According to political observers, Dominic Cummings may have run out of material against Boris Johnson, his former chief advisor to the prime Minister. This follows an 8,000-word statement in which Cummings accuses Johnson of ‘slapdash behaviour’. Johnson claims Johnson, who forgot to tie his shoes three years back, then left them undone for 22 min.
Craig Brown: In a surprise announcement, parish council Zoom star Jackie Weaver is welcomed as the new James Bond
August
Oprah Winfrey surprised Prince Harry by revealing that his mental state took a drastic turn after he learned that he was not invited to the small lunch party hosted at Windsor Castle for world leaders.
Prince William said that his mental health was worsening two days later after discovering Harry did not invite him to an earlier tea party hosted by chat-show hosts.
Harry reports a major mental disorder the next day. His brother failed to send him and his family a Happy Thanksgiving in November 2021.
At the end of the week, Buckingham Palace issues a statement declaring the Queen’s mental health has been severely affected over the past 40-odd years by the goings-on in her family. From now on, the family motto will be changed to Dixit Minus Cito Corrigi (‘Least Said Soonest Mended’).
September
- Students at Sussex University express ‘deep concern’ over the ‘reactionary mindset’ of a mathematics lecturer who suggested two plus two equals four.
‘His hurtful views undermine the massive contribution of so-called “odd” numbers like three and five. Let’s not let hate win,’ says one student activist, calling for the lecturer’s resignation.
October
- In the lead-up to Christmas and the New Year, publishers start a new trend in single-volume books that combine the two key seasonal aims — cooking large meals and losing weight. Gordon Ramsay advises readers to run two miles cross-country while their turkey is being carried. Jamie Oliver suggests using a string made of chipolatas for a skipping line for thirty minutes, before turning the heat up to medium.
November
- Netflix is streaming the latest season of The Crown. Series creator Peter Morgan insists it is all based on the truth, and says that his team of researchers had access to a great deal of inside information from ‘highly placed sources’.
Prince Edward is the star in Cats. Princess Anne works as a driver for Eddie Stobart’s haulage firm. Tony Blair, Princess Margaret and Camilla Parker bowles have a romantic fling. The Folies Bergere makes an exclusive trip to Paris.
Craig Brown: In the first episode, Prince Edward lands a starring role in Cats, Princess Anne joins haulage company Eddie Stobart as a truck driver, Tony Blair enjoys a fling with Princess Margaret
- On I’m A Celebrity . . . Contestants must get out of here! They must spend three-and-a-half minutes in a dark room while Piers Corbyn tells them what’s what.
‘It’s far worse than I ever imagined,’ says tearful contestant, girlband singer Danielle Flosser.
‘For the first 30 seconds or so, you think to yourself, “I can do this”, but then, like, he starts coming up behind you and telling you you’re the victim of this great conspiracy, and after another 30 seconds you’re screaming and screaming to be be released.’
December
- A member of Santa Claus’s team accuses the bearded Christmas guru of abusive behaviour.
Rudolph, a well-established reindeer, claims Santa Claus referred to him as ‘red-nosed’. ‘By doing so, Mr Claus undermined my self-esteem, destroyed my body-image and tampered with my mental health.’
Rudolph accuses Claus, during a long deposition of Rudolph, that he forced him to deliver Christmas presents while other people were having a vacation.
- The Crown finale draws huge crowds. It is shocking to see that the Queen Mother was in fact secretly detained for shoplifting Wham! A CD was stolen from Woolworths. Princess Diana was seen having a relationship with Boy George, played by Brian Cox. The Duchess of Windsor married Sir Elton John secretly after Prince Andrew died.