Forget the Baftas, forget the Emmys, forget the Golden Globes – here are the Ross Awards, the only TV gongs that matter…
The Best TV Moment of the Year Award
Kendall is a contender, heeping in Tuscan dirtSuccession, Sky/Amazon); Rose and Giovanni’s dance with the 20-second silent sequence (Strictly Come Dancing, BBC iPlayer; Gerald and Clarkson combine harvesting (Clarkson’s Farm, Amazon Prime Video).
It should be Kendall, or Rose and Giovanni, but our judging panel, which consists of me, have opted for Clarkson’s Farm for the sheer pleasure of having Gerald turn up in person to accept it.
‘I int thar thank’un yar. Hoot’n good, tar. Wish-washed sudden like, har!’
Our judging panel, which consists of me (Deborah Ross), have opted for Clarkson’s Farm (above) for The Best TV Moment Of The Year Award
The New Great British Bake Off (NO IT ISN’T) Award
It is the jewelry one. All That Glitters: Britain’s Next Jewellery Star(BBC iPlayer), with the apparently embalmed judge and the carpentry expert. Handmade: Britain’s Best Woodworker (All4). ‘Will Jane finish her bookcase in time? She will? We will see her more sanding. Oh, there you have it.’
We do however like the sewn one. The Great British Sewing Bee (BBC iPlayer) – Esme and Patrick, the dream team – and the pottery one (Great Pottery Throwdown– BBC iPlayer with Big Crying Man
The most boring and hypnotizing show of the year
Peter Jackson’s eight-hour Beatles documentary, Take Back (Disney+).
Much as you thought to yourself ‘This is boring, I’ve never been more bored, this is boredom like you wouldn’t believe, even the tips of my fingers and my eyelashes are bored’, you could not tear yourself away.
This was both boring and hypnotic, which amazed the panel.
The Special ‘Death By Peloton’ Award
Big in The Sex And The City reboot Just like that (Sky/NOW). It can be considered a mercy killing, however.
‘A mercy killing,’ any coroner in their right mind would say. ‘At least someone was put out of their misery,’ any coroner might have added.
The Most Misguided Reboot Award
The Sex And The City reboot was every shade of ‘No, no, please tell me this isn’t happening. Please tell me this is a cheese dream.’
While the cast was diverse, it seemed that the characters of black and other non-binary were present only so that straight white characters could gain lessons. It was horrible.
Kim Cattrall (Samantha), declined to go home. At this moment, she might be giving herself high-fives.
(Runner-up: Netflix’s Tiger King 2. For God’s sake, stop giving this man publicity and just let him rot in prison.)
The ‘With Hindsight I Should Have Given It Fewer Stars’ Award
Landscapers Sky/NOW, the drama about Christopher Edwards and Susan Edwards who killed her parents. It was four stars. However, I am now more aware of how I fell for its style and innovative treatment of true crimes as black humor.
It was, however, strangely insatisfying because it didn’t pay attention to victims and did not consider the fact this was premeditated, coldly planned double murder.
Our question was, when did they plan this? (On the plus side, it did star Olivia Colman, who can’t help being great in everything.)
The Ending That Wasn’t An Ending Award, Goddamn It
It has to be the courtroom drama that won. You Don’t Know Me (BBC iPlayer), and that ending.
All details have now been passed to the National Society for the Necessity of Proper Conclusions, which is investigating, but it doesn’t look good for the show.
‘We believe this series denied viewers their right to a Proper Conclusion,’ a spokesperson has already said.
The ‘I’d Rather Stick Rusty Nails In My Eyes Than Sit Through That Again’ Award
Could be given to any of those formulaic posh-house/kitchen-island thrillers with bannister-less staircases and raw cement walls and titles like Too Close, Close To Me, Close To Us, Getting Closer, That’s Close Enough, and so on.
The winner is, however, Angela Black (ITV Hub) for trading so excitedly on female fear and for its message to victims of domestic abuse: don’t inform the police or assume you have right on your side or anything like that. Love, just be vigilant.
The ‘Come On, Buckells Can’t Be H!’ Award
A tough category – I got very heated with myself! – but in the end it was decided that Line Of Duty The winner was (BBC iPlayer).
Line of Duty, featuring Vicky McClure (above) and Martin Compston, wins the “Come on, Buckells can’t be H!” award The Award
We are hoping Joseph, Mary, Jesus and the wee donkey will collect the award on the night, and I can’t wait to see what they’ll be wearing.
(As has already been leaked, Mary has opted for Oscar de la Renta, while the wee donkey will be dressed from Armani’s wee donkey range from A/W 22.)
The ‘I Never Expected To Cry Throughout Like A Baby But Did’ Award. Kleenex Sponsored the Award
The winner must be Strength final (BBC iPlayer). The finalists – Rose and Giovanni, John and Johannes – were bliss, frankly.
Rose Ayling Ellis and Giovanni Pernice (above), won the glitterball. They touched each other’s hearts and ours and anyone who happened to be passing
It wasn’t just their sublime dancing, but the way they touched each other’s hearts and ours and anyone who happened to be passing. Rose and Giovanni were right to win the glitterball.
Strictly is her first appearance as a deaf person, but more importantly, she was so happy and full of loveliness that something changed within Giovanni. I’m welling up again! (Runner-up: It’s A Sin (All4).)
Award for Documentary that Actually Made a Difference
Davina McAll: The Menopause, Myths and Sex (All4). This brought attention to a topic that was not often discussed, even though it is affecting 51 per cent. One out of every five women is a woman.
The document was more of a rallying cry than a documentary. ‘Women! No more fanning ourselves apologetically – sorry, sorry, sorry – for an entirely natural process that comes about just because we are not dead yet!’
Award For The Series That’ll Ruin Your Holiday (If We Ever Get To Go On Holiday Again, That Is)
The White Lotus (Sky/NOW), the excellent comedy drama about rich people holidaying in a luxury resort, which had an unfortunate consequence because now you’ll never be able to go away without thinking that the staff despise you.
One tip: if you do visit such a resort, don’t lead the spa lady into thinking you’re about to invest in her. It’s not nice. It’ll break her heart.
Outstanding Actor With Unashamed ‘Bulgy Bits’ Award
Kate Winslet stars in this grippingly desolating thriller Mare Of Easttown (Sky/NOW). She had bulgy bits, of which she was not ashamed, and had sex which, television usually tells us, isn’t for women with bulgy bits.
I now feel at peace with my own bulgy bits. I refer to them as Fiona Jane Michelle.
Nomination for the Show That Everyone Was Moaning about, But Avidly Viewed Anyway
Vigil (BBC iPlayer). It was awful. You don’t semi-drown in a torpedo tube and then emerge with perfect hair and make-up. Submarines aren’t laid out like that.
Moan, moan, moan, moan. Ohhhhh, it’s on tonight. Can’t wait.
Four Best Shows Of The Year Award So I Don’t Have To Choose Just The One
It’s A Sin, Mare Of Easttown, The White Lotus, Succession. Gerald said that he was thrilled to present the award and we are hopeful that he will.
Our thinking. Very difficult to determine. (‘Har!’).