Dmitry Medvedev, the previous Russian president and dutiful crony of Vladimir Putin, has been having some enjoyable with predictions for the approaching yr.

Final week, he issued a collection of them, in English, on Twitter, gaining no fewer than 38 million views.

The person who’s now deputy chairman of Russia’s Safety Council launched them by saying that, as individuals preferred to make forecasts presently of the yr — ‘even essentially the most absurd ones’ — he supplied what he referred to as his ‘humble contribution’.

These included: ‘Battle will get away between France and the Fourth Reich, Europe will probably be divided, Poland repartitioned within the course of’, and ‘Civil warfare will get away within the U.S., California and Texas turning into impartial states consequently. Texas and Mexico will type an allied state. Elon Musk’ll win the presidential election in numerous states.’

Dominic Lawson has revealed his irreverent predictions for the year ahead

Dominic Lawson has revealed his irreverent predictions for the yr forward 

'In a freak accident, President Putin is killed when a huge table collapses on him,' Dominic Lawson writes as one of his irreverent predictions for 2023

October: In a freak accident, President Putin is killed when an enormous desk collapses on him

It ended, balefully: ‘Seasons greetings to you, Anglo-Saxon pals, and their fortunately oinking piglets.’

In the actual world, the one nation beginning wars in Europe is Russia, however this didn’t cease the brand new proprietor of Twitter, Elon Musk, maybe flattered by the point out, speedily replying to Medvedev: ‘Epic thread!!’

Though the subsequent day, maybe after he had been spoken to by some grown-ups, Musk added: ‘These are positively essentially the most absurd predictions I’ve ever heard.’

Properly, that was moderately the purpose. And it has inspired me to supply my very own contribution — in related satirical spirit, minus the Russian bloodthirstiness.

Harry and Meghan launch a Netflix documentary complaining that the residents of California have not been welcoming sufficient, stated Dominic Lawson

January: Harry and Meghan launch a Netflix documentary complaining that the residents of California have not been welcoming sufficient. They describe Oprah as ‘chilly, haughty and patronising’.

February: The RMT chief, Mick Lynch, has a fall whereas on a picket line, however ambulance employees are on strike that day, so he has to attend 24 hours till they will take him to A&E.

March: The Bluebell Railway wins all of the franchises to run the UK’s prepare providers.

The National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport (RMT) leader, Mick Lynch

The Nationwide Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport (RMT) chief, Mick Lynch

April: The previous chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, begins an internet site providing funding suggestions and recommendation. It’s a large success: tens of millions subscribe to allow them to know what shares and different monetary merchandise they need to positively keep away from.

Could: Amazon is purchased by Elon Musk. He sacks all of the workers and says the corporate will now not be delivering merchandise to individuals’s properties.

June: A bitter battle breaks out between rival climate-change protest teams, resulting in Extinction Revolt gluing themselves to Insulate Britain.

Tesla and SpaceX Chief Executive Officer Elon Musk

Tesla and SpaceX Chief Government Officer Elon Musk

July: David Beckham writes to Sir Hugh Robertson, chairman of the sports activities honours committee, claiming that by taking place on one knee earlier than every sport, the English footballers are hinting that they’d like a knighthood. Beckham complains that he is been asking for one for for much longer.

August: President Joe Biden says he will not stand for re-election — he needs to create space for somebody with extra vitality. The previous president, Jimmy Carter, age 98, secures the Democrat nomination.

British football legend David Beckham

British soccer legend David Beckham

September: Michelle Mone appoints Donald Trump her private tax advisor: the bra-selling multi-millionairess and Tory peer says she wants all of the assist she will be able to get.

October: In a freak accident, President Putin is killed when an enormous desk collapses on him.

November: Liz Truss wins I am A Superstar . . . Get Me Out Of Right here!, spending longer within the jungle than she did in 10 Downing Road. Emulating Matt Hancock, Prince Andrew is the runner-up: he’s selling his personal memoir, Do not Sweat The Small Stuff. 

December: The Royal Mail has been on strike for 12 months, however nobody notices.

And now, 10 phrases I’d prefer to banish for good this yr

Right here, for fellow pedants in all places, is my listing of phrases and phrases that had been rife in 2022 and which it might be fantastic to listen to much less of in 2023. 

1. ‘Extremely’. I wrote right here in 2019 about this phrase’s ubiquity, however nobody has carried out something about it. Authorities spokesmen appear most affected by this verbal tic. Final week, a narrative within the Instances quoted one who declared each that the Prime Minister was ‘extremely grateful for these individuals [in the military] throughout these strike days’ and that it was ‘extremely disappointing’ that the RMT was persevering with strikes. No matter occurred to ‘very’?

2. ‘I’m humbled’. Most frequently utilized by individuals when awarded public honours which they’ve lengthy thought to be their due. ‘I’m proud’ can be extra trustworthy.

3. ‘Please reply to the invite by . . . ’ Invite is a verb. The noun is ‘invitation’.

4. ‘Pre-planned’. Worse: ‘pre-prepared’. You’ll be able to’t plan one thing after the occasion. Pre-prepared needs to be acceptable solely from individuals with stutters. And positively not in a doc from the Crown Prosecution Service, which referred to defendants’ ‘pre-prepared statements’.

5. ‘Storied’. That is a type of phrases which nobody makes use of in regular speech, however which broadcasters and a few newspapers have been perpetrating. I’ve even seen ‘storied historical past’. It’s an American time period for ‘well-known’. Neither phrase is of use.

6. ‘Anytime quickly’. One other American import. Simply ‘quickly’ does the trick.

7. ‘Simples’. This monstrosity comes from an promoting marketing campaign starring a Russian meerkat. That marketing campaign had been suspended, within the wake of the Russian warfare on Ukraine. The phrase itself ought to now develop into topic to sanction.

8. ‘Unbeknownst’. Unknown is the phrase. ‘Unbeknownst’ tries to sound like one thing out of the works of Shakespeare or the unique King James model of the Bible. Nevertheless it seems in neither.

9. ‘Methinks’. This archaism at all times precedes a press release of blinding obviousness and unoriginality, designed to make it sound extra profound.

10. ‘Finish of’. This yr, let’s see an finish to that, too.