This man would you purchase a car used from? The answer, when the man in question is a politician, is usually a resounding ‘No’.
Oh, what if Grant Shapps were Transport Secretary? Surely that’s a whole different matter?
With his Commons performance, Mr Shapps is currently a leader among ministers. He is sharp, fluent and much more confident than his Cabinet colleagues.
Every time he steps to the despatch box his Colgate smile shines under the fluorescent lights. He radiates happiness and joy.
He could certainly smuggle a Cortina to his adoring eyes.
‘Here we are, Squire. Nice little run-around, only 200,000 on the clock, a little rusty around the wheel arches and the gearbox is knackered but otherwise handles like Maradona.’
One, I’d probably bite his hand off. He came into the House to tell the House that he would be removing the eastern leg from HS2 as well as downgrading rail plans in the North.
With his Commons performance, Mr Shapps is currently a leader among ministers. He is sharp, fluent and much more confident than his Cabinet colleagues
Also, it performed another government U-turn, and some say, was able to thrust a good-placed knife in the ribs of its so called levelling-up plan.
Not that you’d have known that the way Shapps was selling it. No!
He was ‘proud’ to be unveiling an ‘ambitious and unparalleled programme’ that would overhaul inner-city links.
It would ‘fire up economies… rebalance our economic geography and spread opportunity’. Inspiring stuff!
He would be restoring long-abandoned rail lines, just like the 14-mile ‘Dartmoor line’, connecting Exeter and Okehampton which reopened this week after almost 50 years.
Shapps jumped on the first train Wednesday morning waving a whistle and waving a flag. I’m not sure Boris would be too pleased with this. He is a fan of daft stunts.
Apparently, the ‘levelling up’ of rail services would be great news for small towns. ‘For example, Kettering!’ Shapps yelled. ‘Market Harborough! Grantham! And Stalybridge!’
By God, he’s going to put those places on the map. Next to him sat junior minister Andrew Stephenson, nodding along approvingly like a magician’s popsy.
Von Schnapps had a problem. No one was listening to his story. The MPs were attentive and then checked the bonnet, and gave him the direction he needed.
He came into the House yesterday to tell the House that he would be removing the eastern leg from HS2 as well as downgrading rail plans in North America.
Jim McMahon was the shadow minister for transport.
‘He’s completely sold us out!’ he bellowed. McMahon tends to be a very polite boy.
He seems very proud of his tightly-mown beard and stuttery demeanour. Yesterday, he was a mad lather.
He decried the Government’s announcement as a ‘Great Train Robbery.’ Groans. Although this was meant to be his kill arrow, it flew far too wide.
Nor were Mr McMahon’s colleagues falling for the Shapps sales patter. Catherine McKinnell (Lab, Newcastle-upon-Tyne) denounced his ‘upbeat statement’ as being ‘out of touch with reality’.
That wise old Tawny owl Graham Stringer (Lab, Blackley) congratulated Shapps on doing an ‘extraordinarily good job’ of putting gloss on what was essentially an £18billion reduction in investment.
Salesman Shapps frowned and gave a little ‘au contraire’ wave of the hand. His insouciant demeanour suggests that he is the only one on earth who can set up a stand selling bags of sand from the Sahara while still keeping a straight face.
They scowled at each other from the Conservative benches and wondered how they would explain this to their constituents.
Huw Merriman, chairman of the Transport Committee (Con-Bexhill and Battle), was not impressed.
‘This is the danger of selling perpetual sunlight and leaving it to others to deliver moonlight,’ he drawled, a reference to the Prime Minister’s habit of over-promising and under-delivering.
Merriman seemed to be in a low mood. By the looks of him, you’d have thought the sky was going to cave in at any minute.
He did however spend many years as Philip Hammond’s private secretary, which may have given him some breathing room.
Up on t’ Red Wall they were fuming. Robbie Moore (Con, Keighley), part of the 2019 intake, was ‘deeply disappointed’ by the announcement.
Shapps suggested Moore didn’t fully understand the proposals he was laying out.
From the Labour benches there came a long cry of ‘Ooooooh!’ Careful, Shappsy.
These newbies have been made into mutineers by the Owen Paterson farrago. I would advise not to poke these newbies any further.
Not that the old duffers weren’t similarly minded. Sir Edward Leigh, Con, Gainsborough had considered HS2 a white elephant. Now it was a ‘white elephant missing a leg’, he said. Loud laughter.
Salesman Shapps frowned and gave a little ‘au contraire’ wave of the hand. Based on his insouciant demeanour, Shapps must have been the most able person to set up an stall in the Sahara selling bags full of sand and keep a straight face.