The current buzzword – uttered by government ministers and doomy experts – is “cautious”.

You can have fun on New Year’s Eve. But please, don’t be stupid.

What? If there are not enough windows open, is PC Plod going down to the Dog and Badger?

This idea of sensible partying seems absurd. Brits don’t do sensible. Our taste buds are insatiable when it comes time to eat and drink.

After the past year, who (except Chris Whitty?) would expect us to party and keep our feet on the ground?

What is the best way to party while not partying?

I guess it means; keep our knees together, masks on, knickers up and our glasses only half-filled… you get the picture.

Fun is permitted this New Year's Eve, but please don't do anything stupid and have too much. Or what? Is PC Plod going to break down the doors of the Dog and Badger if not enough windows are open to ensure a howling gale whooshes through the bar moving any microbes outside, reducing the hot bar snacks to a lukewarm buffet?

This New Year’s Eve is a time for fun, but don’t let your stupidity get in the way of having too much. What? If there are not enough windows open, is PC Plod going down to the Dog and Badger?

Christmas might have been spent with our close family, but New Year is another matter and now we are officially permitted to have fun in pubs, restaurants and anywhere we can get in, or which hasn't gone bust

Although Christmas may have been with close relatives, the New Year marks a new chapter. Now we can legally have fun at pubs and restaurants anywhere we want, provided we don’t go bust.

Do not inhale any guests you haven’t checked for proof of vaccination.

God forbid that we share any bodily fluids or medical records with someone who isn’t able to provide complete documentation.

We cheered as Sage’s doomsters were dismissed by their leader, who announced that the festive spirit was back.

Although Christmas may have been with close relatives, the New Year marks a new chapter. Now we are allowed to enjoy fun at pubs and restaurants wherever we want, provided we don’t go bust.

Boris, however, has made it clear that you must be careful and follow the rules at all times.

It would seem that we are teenagers getting sex education and not people who drink a lot during the seasonal holidays.

Even Boris has decreed we must follow the rules and be 'careful' at all times. Anyone would think we were teenagers being given sex education advice, not a population which normally consumes its own weight in booze during these seasonal festivities

Boris even said that we had to follow all rules and be careful at all costs. It would be easy to believe that we are teenagers receiving sex education, and not people who consume booze at these festive celebrations.

Boris saved Christmas this year by not imposing draconian locksdowns such as the ones imposed on Wales and Scotland.

Nicola Sturgeon made a career of gazumping Boris everywhere she went with more harsh Covid rules that he would have imposed on the English.

It’s a shame he didn’t get caught for his big festive bet and left Scotland’s First Minister with eggnog on her face, explaining to Scotland the reason she stole their Hogmanay.

If one of her oppressed subjects is able to get into a car, or locate a train running, she will welcome them to bravely cross the border to take part in the sensible partying allowed in England.

They might not bother.

What number of Scotsmen or women are likely to be lured by the notion of a “sensible” New Year’s Eve celebration? Even Nicola Sturgeon graciously admitted that she doesn’t plan to arrest any person who leaves her territory.

Scientists, politicians and health experts have treated us as toddlers throughout the entire pandemic.

The public has complied with the majority of rules, despite the patronizing tone. They have even waited for boosters for hours, and have been able to get jabs for several hours.

While we may have felt subservient sheep sometimes, under the leadership of a clown who doesn’t think rules about social gatherings applied in his office, I was proud to say that most people, excluding brainless twats such as Piers Corbyn, did their best for the NHS, protecting the vulnerable and following the rules.

The government script for a Sensible New Year's Eve includes: When you arrive at the venue, tour the entire room making sure all the windows are wide open as requested by our chief medical officers. But what if it's a basement club or a posh restaurant in a hotel? Well, Chris Whitty (above) probably won't be spending his New Year's Eve in a nightclub and Boris is most likely to be stuck at Chequers nappy changing

A Sensible New Years Eve script is the government’s guideline. However, what about if you’re in a basement nightclub or at a fancy restaurant located within a hotel. Chris Whitty (above), won’t probably be spending New Year’s Eve at a nightclub, and Boris would most likely stay at Chequers for nappy changing

The latest directive, which still amounts to social control, telling us that we should be cautious when dining, drinking, or meeting new friends is just plain absurd.

Three jabs later, it’s been months of careful planning. The final party in 2021 is over, and I have had enough of being cautious.

It’s a sign that you have officially become your mom and dad. These words have no meaning, are confusing, and can be woolly. 

Sensible individuals will drink a glass of sherry around 9 p.m. and then turn off the lights at 10 p.m. as usual tomorrow. They are all best wishes.

The government relied upon acceptable messaging throughout the pandemic. Although the covid guidelines used to be simple, they became more complicated and a little less clear as the virus progressed.

Many people believe that the low death and hospitalisation rates mean we feel scared, frightened, and even afraid. Anxiety and depression have increased.

It was clear that the first guidelines, such as “Wash your hand for 15 seconds”, were a good idea.

It was okay to observe the social distance rules and keep two meters from other people, but this is not a good idea when Britain drags itself back into work and public transport works as usual.

Nicola Sturgeon has made a successful policy out of gazumping Boris at every turn with harsher Covid rules than he dared impose on the English. How I hope he gets away with his great festive gamble and leaves Scotland's First Minister with eggnog all over her face explaining to Scotland why she stole their Hogmanay

Nicola Sturgeon’s successful strategy has been to gaze at Boris in every direction with more Covid rules than he would have imposed on the English. It’s a shame he didn’t get to take his huge festive gamble.

It is easy enough to wear a mask inside shops or enclosed spaces. However, many people are tired of trying so hard.

It’s not possible to attend a New Year’s Eve party while ‘being sensible’.

You could write it in Swahili, Urdu, or Swahili. What is the point of a party that takes place at the end a terrible year? A party where everyone will dance to and listen to music and share their embarrassing stories with each other, wearing clothes that are not going to protect them from cold weather, I don’t understand.

Do you know any people who have’sensibles’? They can drink five pints of beer, five bottles wine, and two whiskey sours. I’m sure not. That defeats all of the object.

Here’s the official government script to a Sensible New Years Eve.

1. Test yourself before you go out. It assumes you’re able to get a test of lateral flow. Even the Saj who isn’t interested in delivering negative news but only positive ones, admitted that there was a serious glitch and supplies are limited. There’ll be enough in two weeks. Credit card bills arrived, and there’s no way you’ll ever go out.

2. You should make sure that all of your friends have been tested. If their devices fail or the negative test markers go missing, they will have to confirm it. You can’t rely on a negative PCR testing result. In some cases, it may take as long as ten days.

3. You can be more ‘cautious and sensible’ if everyone has been triple-jabbed. What do you do if they don’t have triple-jabbed? Let them go home. I can name someone who had to endure their siblings and relatives for 48 hours during Christmas. Who is now going to allow a minor detail like this to stop them from going out to drink on New Years Eve?

4. Arrive at the venue and tour it. Make sure that all windows are open, as directed by the chief medical officers. Is it a basement nightclub or a fancy hotel restaurant? Chris Whitty is unlikely to spend his New Year’s Eve at a nightclub. Boris, on the other hand, will likely stay at Chequers for nappy changes and replenishing his cheeseboard’. He hosts a “working” dinner that features paper hats, tarts and tramps discos as well as a magician dressed up as Dominic Cummings.

5. Your mask should be worn except for when you kiss, eat or drink – which is most of the times.

Only 60% of Londoners were jabbed according to me, which is the lowest rate in Britain. 

New Year’s Eve festivities in New York City are not without risk, but I’m willing to take them.

Who doesn’t want to grab something now, right before returning to work?

If you have second thoughts about that, do not respond.