POLITICAL ANIMALS
1. What was Boris Johnson’s nickname for Michael Gove when he was captured dancing at an Aberdeen nightclub after being filmed?
a) West Side Tory
b) Jon Bon Govy
c. Minister for Twerk and Pensions
d. Magic Mike
2: What did Boris Johnson say in his less-than-Churchillian speech to the CBI last month?
a) ‘Vroom, vroom brah brah’
b) ‘Hands up who’s been to Peppa Pig World’
c) ‘You all look far too young and thrusting’
d) All the above
3: How much did it weigh at 12,216 Words?
a) Boris Johnson’s answer when asked a simple ‘yes or no’ question on Newsnight
b) Keir Starmer’s chin-stroking treatise about the state of Labour which somehow failed to electrify the electorate
c) The full list of options for the ‘gender’ question on Kent University’s job application form
d. The software terms and conditions for the iPhone 13 that no one has ever read
4: Dominic Cummings said it was ‘completely crazy’ that who should ever have been in a senior position?
Dominic Cummings
Dominic Raab
c. Priti Patel
d. Gareth Southgate
Boris Johnson gave Michael Gove a nickname after being filmed in Aberdeen dancing.
5: Which of these did ‘Dim’ Dom Raab not say this year?
a) ‘The sea was actually closed’
b) The police ‘don’t normally look back and investigate things that have taken place a year ago’
c) ‘Misogyny is absolutely wrong, whether it’s a man against a woman or a woman against a man’
d) Describing those who need food banks as just having ‘a cashflow problem’
6: Rishi Sunak reveals how he begins each day.
Britney Spears is being played during a 6am cycling workout
B) One hour spent on a stretching apparatus, trying to get taller
c) Making brand-building Instagram videos and lip-synching with Cardi B
d) Plotting. Never stop plotting
7: Who did Matt Hancock ask before getting caught in a lockdown-busting sex with Gina Coladangelo’s aide?
a) Matt Hands-Cock
b) The Lateral Flothario
c. The Minister for Hugs
d. The Clinch Who Stole Santa
8: What great thinker was Boris Johnson able to quote during his address at the United Nations
a) David Cameron
b) George Orwell
c) A. A. Milne
Kermit The Frog
BY ROYAL DISCOUNTMENT
9: Which of Prince Philip’s wishes for his funeral was granted?
a) ‘Just stick me in the back of a Land Rover and drive me to Windsor’
b) No prayers in Latin, because ‘those ancient Eye-ties were just a bunch of poncey dormice- munching toga-lifters’
c) Ashes to be sent to Martin Bashir so he could ‘haunt that devious slimeball’ after he was dead
d) Choir to sing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ as mourners file in
10: In a heavyweight interview with, erm, James Corden, Prince Harry revealed Meghan’s pet name for him was what?
A) Woke-amon Go
Haz
Macho Man is a male Anglo-Saxon Cisgendered, Heterosexual Opressor. It sounds great.
d) Meal Ticket
11: Which ultra-rate piece of royal memorabilia sold for £1,850 at auction?
a) Drop of Prince Andrew’s sweat
b. Picture of Princess Anne smiling
c) A 40-year-old slice of Charles and Diana’s wedding cake
d) The ‘Humps ahead’ sign from the car park where Richard III was found
12: Which faux pas committed President Biden in front Camilla during the COP26 summit
A) You can call her the Duchess Of Sussex
B) Breathe wind
c) He gave her the empty glass of wine, believing she was a waitress.
d) Tried to chat her up with the line: ‘If I was 30 years younger, I’d… what did I come in here for again?’
13: Which title were Harry and Meghan said to have rejected for Archie?
a) The Earl of Dumbarton because it contains the word ‘dumb’
b) Protector And Treasurer of the Royal Order of Lincolnshire – as Prince Archie Windsor would then have had to initial documents PAW PATROL
Since that is where Meghan and Piers met, c. The Duke of Windsor
d) Prince of Dorset, since they didn’t want him to be linked to an earthly place, instead suggesting the more ethereal ‘Prince Of Empathy’ had a nice ring to it…
14: Meghan released a children’s book (£12.99 for 169 words) about what?
a) A park bench
b) Painting drying
c) A princess with a superpower: the ability to ‘forget’ the truth when it’s convenient
d. The value of the father-daughter connection
BRITAIN AT ITS BEST – AND WORST
15: What was the name of the BBC reporter covering September’s fuel crisis that caused such mirth?
Dee Sell
b. Phil McCann
c) Gaz O’Lean
d) Emma Titanke
16: What cost £6 million and was described as the worst experience in London?
(A round of drinks at O2 Arena
b) The Museum of Brexit where you can meet an animatronic Lord Frost.
C) Underground roller coaster Cressida Dick, in which riders somehow hold on to their balance despite falling at dizzying speeds
d. The Marble Arch Mound is a Teletubby hill.
17: Which person was kicked from a pub at Bath?
Jane Austen group for fistfight reenactment
Trainers are allowed by the Bishop of Bath and Wells
Supporting lockdown: c) Sir Keir Sternmer
d) Sir David Attenborough, as he didn’t have ID showing he was over 18
18: What was unusual about this year’s UK town-crier championship?
a) They held it in silence
To reflect video-conferencing’s era, the traditional bell was removed and replaced by the FaceTime ringtone
C) Cries must be accompanied by dance moves and raunchy songs to appeal to TikTok Generation
d. Each contestant was required to broadcast news, and then to change the information to match the government’s U-turns.
Was there a moment that was most complained of on BBC Radio this year?
19. What has attracted the most complaints to the BBC?
a) Disappointing ending to Line Of Duty when Ted Hastings revealed that bent copper H was… ‘Rebekah Vardy’s account’
b) Wall-to-wall coverage of Prince Philip’s death
Radio 4 used a wrong sound effect for The Archers when they were using a combine-harvester.
d. Not reporting the fact that Bill Gates created the Omicron variant to give us boosters for the Operating System of the 5G microchips.
20. Who among these people was not fined at the time of breaking Covid Rules during lockdown
A) Couple eating their lunch at home in their car in a parking lot 15 miles away from their homes.
b. Bank robbers whose balaclavas did not cover the mouths
d) Twelve ghost-hunters investigating a ‘haunted’ house
c) A man caught sitting naked in his car who told them he’d nipped out to buy a pack of wet wipes
WOK FOLK
21. What is the most important culinary term that Chaheti Bansa, a food blogger, suggested should be canceled?
It makes incompetent privilege sound delightful!
B) Daddies Sauce to support the patriarchy
Curry for its racist undertones
d) Boiled egg and soldiers, for its tacit support of military-enforced colonialism, normalising the aggressive pillage of the egg’s gooey treasures by the invading crusty troops
22: What did Church of England vicar Jarel Robinson-Brown call ‘a cult of white British nationalism’?
a. The Church of England
b) First Far-Right Group Britain
c) The Great British Bake Off
d) The nation’s love of Captain Tom
23. What was the reason for the cancellation of a D-Day Re-enactment?
a) Sand was a ‘health and safety’ issue
B) It was considered offensive to wear a Nazi costume
c) Lack of trans women taking part breached the local council’s representation quotas
d. It was considered a true invasion by the French as part of their fishing dispute
A WORLD OF STUpidITY
Trump supporters storm the Capitol, Washington, 6 January 2021
24. What happened to one of the demonstrators who stormed US Capitol on Jan 6th?
A) Suffering from too much Stars and Stripes wrap
b. He was fatally tased in his genitals
c) Trampled to death while carrying a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag
d) She was exposed to hypothermia because she was only wearing a T-shirt in order to use her right to have her arms bare.
25: Which one of the following was correctly blamed for Ever Given’s cargo ship becoming stuck in Suez Canal, March 2015?
a) A woman driver
b) Pharaoh’s curse
c) Sandstorm
d) French fishermen blockade
26. What kind of health advice has the US government issued this year?
a) Don’t use a handgun to remove a tooth
b) Don’t kiss live chickens
C) A delicious cocktail is made with hand sanitizer.
d) McDonald’s burger wrappers are no substitute for condoms
27: The council in Fremantle, Australia, banned cats from being outside unless… what?
A) They had a lead
b. They could show they did not take part in Cats the Movie Version.
c. They have at least 12 pictures on their Instagram page
d) They had a Covid ‘pass-pawt’
Joe Biden was in an awkward situation this year with the Australian Prime Minister
28. Joe Biden referred to Scott Morrison, the Australian Prime Minister after apparently forgetting his own name.
A) This fella Down Under
b. Crocodile DunNothing
c) Brucie McChunder-Barbie
d) Dame Edna average
29. How did Australians change the name of shark attacks in order to not scare tourists?
a) Interactive Jaws experience
b) ‘Negative encounters’
c) ‘Bitey Shark doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Bitey Shark’
d) Involuntary feeding of the marine environment
FUNNY BUSINESS
30: Which job title did Elon Musk have at Tesla, an electric car company?
(a) Evil genius
b) Technoking
c) AlmightyElon, Conqueror of Worlds, Commander In Destinies, Destroyer And Dreams and Deputy Manager Of Doom
d) Spaceman
31. Which of these products did Ikea introduce in the US
a) Marriage guidance booths in its stores for when arguments over whether to get the Nördthrumb or the Unkkruber got too much
b. Self-assembly assault weapons
Candles containing c-Meatball scents
d) The Trümpp range of furniture that always had a few screws loose
32: Why did Marks & Spencer’s Colin The Caterpillar get involved in a legal battle this year?
a) To fight food labelling laws that would have required a prominent sticker saying: ‘Contains no actual caterpillar meat’
b. An American named Colin D. Caterpillar III claims that the cake has made him a laughing stock
c) The store claimed Aldi’s rival Cuthbert The Caterpillar was a rip-off
d) It didn’t: Colin’s a larva not a fighter
MEANWHILE, ON PLANET CELEBRITY
33: Kate Winslet demanded the director of her TV drama Mare of Easttown reinstate footage from a sex scene that showed… what?
a) Her ‘bulgy bit of belly’
b) A dog who wandered onto the set and began licking her feet
c) Her yawning
d) That she accidentally called her co-star ‘Sam’, the name of her ex-husband
34. What would Victoria Beckham eat for a treat sometimes?
A) A few grass blades
B) Toast with salt
c) One grain of ‘hundreds and thousands’… but she doesn’t know what the singular is
d. An ice cube made of Himalayan-filtered water spring water. This was after being told about flavour.
35. What is the most unusual feature Cara Delevingne installed in her bathroom remodel?
A) She could use two toilets to chat with a friend while she was using them
b. A robotic to remove the dead skin on her feet. This robot is called the Derminator
c. A recording studio that can record her singing from the shower into an album
d) Cat bilet
36: What did Amol Rajan accidentally tweet after landing a job on Radio 4’s Today programme?
a) ‘It’s great to woke the nation up every morning’
b) ‘I’ve got a huge amount to earn’
c) ‘I’ve always wanted to work with Anne Robinson’
d) ‘Proletariat of Britain, unite to crush the tyranny of Monarchy!’
Nicki Minaj (left), caused quite the stir this year with her remarks on the Covid vaccination
37: Rapper Nicki Minaj said she was hesitant about taking the Covid vaccine because of what ‘scientific evidence’?
a) A bouncer at one of her gigs said his brother’s mate is in the CIA and told him vaccines are nanobots that make you vote for Joe Biden
b) Her cousin’s friend blamed it for making his testicles swell up
C) She was told by her holistic heal crystal consultant that these contain Higgs bosons which warp your aura
d) Because the virus was the great God Anjimi’s way of selecting the chosen people to enter the Blessed Realm of Eternal Bliss and she didn’t want to miss out
38: Why was it revealed this year that Paddy McGuinness wouldn’t be welcome at Pontin’s?
(a) Holiday camps put many Irish surnames on an discriminatory blacklist. This included his
b) Because last time he was there he drunkenly peed on the children’s play equipment, saying: ‘How’s this for a water slide?’
c) His bosses were suspicious that he had been involved in Top Gear, and assumed that he was a drug dealer.
d) Because he stole his ‘no likey’ catchphrase from their TripAdvisor reviews
39: What did Holly Willoughby say ‘has always been a trusted constant’ as she launched her own lifestyle brand?
Phillip Schofield
b) Her cleavage
c. The Moon
d) π
STRANGER THINGS…
40: How dull was Gareth Wild’s achievement after six years of hard work?
a) A book of all Shipping Forecasts that Radio 4 has ever broadcast was published
b) Parked in all 211 bays in the car park of his local Sainsbury’s
c) Made a life-size Jacob Rees Mogg model using only chewing gum he had found underneath bus seats.
d) Gather the signatures from each local authority in England or Wales of the head responsible for recycling services
41. Is this a legitimate piece of scientific research which has won an Ignoble Prize in Science?
A) If your nose is blocked, you can use orgasms to relieve it.
b. Men might have evolved beards as a way to cushion the blows that are delivered to their face by punches.
c) Rhinoceroses can be transported upside-down.
d) That eating Monster Munch can combat Covid – but only pickled-onion flavour
42. Which inscription was allowed by a Church of England judge on a gravestone
a) Anti-vaxxer till I die!
b. To Infinity and Beyond
c) If you can read this, you’re standing on my balls
d. This is the place that will kill me
43. A terrible 2022 Calendar has yet to be created.
a) Jack Grealish’s calves
b) Redditch benches
c) The world’s greatest mullet haircuts
Insulate Britain’s hunky protesters
44: Hugh Janus, Tess Tegal?
a) Ukraine’s Eurovision entry
b) Codenames of the Diplomatic Protection Squad for Emmanuel Macron and Brigitte McMahon when they visited London on an official trip
c) Fake names of viewers who watched the GB News broadcast.
d) Ukip’s and Green Party candidates in London’s mayoral elections
45: How did a goat called Lola earn about £50,000?
You can be hired to spice up Zoom meetings locked down
Dido Harding awarded a Test and Trace Contract to b.
c) Cast in a seasonal Dickensian play after the director misheard the phrase ‘the ghost of Christmas past’
d) Babysitting
46: Which one of these inventions was made this year in order to keep summer men cool?
a) ‘Man fans’, like normal hand-held fans but with pictures of Lamborghinis on them
B) Snowballs: Freezable boxer briefs
Masculiner is a water-cooled, inlay that can be used for covering the face.
d) Shampoo with deicer and marketed as Hair Conditioning
Q&A ABOUT SPORT
Coca-Cola’s momentary worry about Cristiano Ronaldo this year was caused by Coca-Cola. Do you recall how?
47: England’s fans chose an anthem that was inspired from the children of US Presidents at the Euros. Which?
Hit The Road Jack and Jack Carter
Sweet Caroline, Caroline Kennedy.
c. Chelsea Clinton and Chelsea Till I die
d) Ivanka Trump and The Referee’s Ivanka
48: How did Paul Gascoigne try to ingratiate himself with fellow contestants as he entered Italy’s version of I’m A Celebrity…?
You can dress up as Super Mario.
b) By trying to speak the language, but what he actually said translates as: ‘Fishing good me, very good me. Hands fish my, team hungry me’
c) By bringing them pasta… well, Lidl own-brand spaghetti hoops
d) By telling them he loved Italians like Penelope Cruz (who’s actually Spanish)
49: How did Cristiano Ronaldo knock $4 billion off Coca-Cola’s share price?
You can do this by peeing into the vat in the factory
b) Moving the drink out of camera at the Euros press conference, sponsored by Coke
c) By saying ‘Yeah fine, whatever mate, it’s all same’ when a barman asked him: ‘We don’t have Coke, is Pepsi OK?’
d) By claiming Dele Ali drank it
50: What was the last thing Tyson Fury, heavyweight boxer, said this year?
a) ‘I had 14 pints of Foster’s and then sparred three top-ten heavyweights – and battered them all’
b) ‘I’ve got the biggest balls in the history of our sport’
c) ‘Even when [Deontay Wilder] goes to sleep at night with his Missus, he’s thinking about Tyson Fury’
d) ‘Fighting never solved anything’
Answers: 1. 2 d. 3 b. 4 a. 5 d. (Raab claimed that in 2017). 6 a. 7 c. 8 d. 9 a. 10 b. 11 c. 12 b. 13 a. 14 a. 15 b. 16 d. 17 c. 18 a. 19 b. 20 b. 21 c. 22 d. 23 a. 24 c. 25 c. 26 b. 27 a. 28 a. 29 b. 30 b. 31 c. 32 c. 33 a. 34 b. 35 a. 36 b. 37 b. 38 a. 39 a. 41 d. 42 b. 43 d. 44 c. 45 a. 46 b. 47 b. 48 b. 49 b. 50 d.