Omicron is not in retreat just as another fatal epidemic strikes. This time it’s bird flu.
The two million bird carcasses have been removed and the poultry farmers warned that they must keep their flocks indoors or face losing them. The disease has been brought to Britain by geese, swans and other wildfowl migrating here from Europe — presumably in rubber dinghies.
The UK Health Security Agency says that the likelihood of birds flu infecting people is very unlikely and should not be taken as a cause of alarm. However, when was that supposed to stop them?
Imagine how quickly things could spiral out of control once SAGE, the Government’s scientific advisory group, gets to hear about it. It won’t take long before Boris Johnson is spooked into ordering another Covid-style lockdown…
BBC News At Ten is your home. After a pigeon in Trafalgar Square sneezed, the Prime Minister declared a state of emergency.
Omicron seems to be in retreat when suddenly another epidemic hits. This time it’s bird flu (file image of swans)
Johnson said that he was reluctantly forced to cancel Christmas in Downing Street and to implement an immediate circuit breaker to prevent the spread of Avian Influenza.
He was joined by Professor Chris Twitty (Chief Ornithological Officer), who announced that there would be a prohibition on any person cooking goose or turkey for Christmas dinner.
From midnight tonight, it will be a criminal offence to eat eggs in any shape or form — boiled, poached, scrambled or otherwise. The penalty for eating omelettes is six months imprisonment.
Turkey Twizzlers will be removed from the shelves of supermarkets and all fried chicken restaurants are going to close for this time.
Anyone spotted carrying a KFC party bucket has been ordered to be arrested by police. Derbyshire Constabulary will send drones up to detect people eating illegal drumsticks and nuggets while walking their dogs.
BBC News At Ten is your home. After a pigeon in Trafalgar Square sneezed, the Prime Minister declared a state of emergency.
Manchester Police have raided take-out kebab and curry shops in search of contraband poultry products.
Chicken Tikka Masala was reclassified to a Class B hard drug. Possession is punishable by a lifetime sentence.
A crack squad of Met officers, previously associated to Operation Midland and The elite Jimmy Savile Squad launched an aerial assault against the London home of a retired disc jockey. They also confiscated a shipment of Scotch Eggs.
Elsewhere, the RSPB’s rapid response unit has been charged with ensuring that all wild birds are fitted with beak coverings and observe social distancing measures by flying a minimum of two metres apart.
Every bird that is spotted in the wild without wearing a mask will have its photo taken.
When the red, red robin comes bobbin’ along, he’s likely to get his head blown off.
Parrots, parakeets canaries and cockatiels will also be mass-murdered by the government. Homing pigeons are prohibited from racing and must be kept away until further notice.
The Prime Minister insists the emergency will last no longer than three weeks to ‘squash the sombrero’. Buckingham Palace stated that Her Majesty had graciously accepted to delay the traditional Swan Upping ceremony, which was scheduled for July on the Thames.
In London’s Berkeley Square, the Army began work building a new Nightingale Hospital. The bird flu epidemic is most likely to affect Nightingales.
Imagine how quickly things could spiral out of control once SAGE, the Government’s scientific advisory group, gets to hear about it. It won’t take long before Boris Johnson is spooked into ordering another Covid-style lockdown…
With the countdown-to- lockdown clock ticking, fighting broke out in city centres across the country as piri-piri chicken enthusiasts attempted to secure a last cheeky Nando’s before the midnight deadline.
The Swansea City football team mascot Cyril The Swan was placed under arrest in Wales after breaking curfew.
In Scotland, Wee Burney, always desperate to distance herself from Westminster, dismissed Boris Johnson’s emergency measures as ‘too little, too late’ and demanded that another independence referendum must be held without delay.
According to the First Minister, Famous Grouse whiskey and cocka-leekie soup will be banned immediately. The First Minister threatened to shut down the border in order to stop the English filthy game birds from polluting the beautiful Scottish countryside.
While we’ve been on air, reports have been reaching us about breaches of the new rules.
Neil Legover was seen carrying a caged pet budgie back from Clapham to his Clapham office. He is the government advisor who predicted that 100 billion birds would die from flu within the next 24 hours.
Mind you, this isn’t the first time he’s smuggled a bird across London during lockdown.
We’re also being told that the Prime Minister has in the last hour been rushed to hospital after eating a dodgy Murgh Madras at a staff wine-and-curry party and will have to self-isolate in the No 10 bathroom until New Year’s Day.
And we’re just hearing that a siege is under way in West London. Scotland Yard’s bio-terrorism unit has entered a school to disrupt a carol concert.
According to a police spokesperson, they received an anonymous tip that carollers might be harboring seven swans-as-swimming and six geese a-laying. Four calling birds were also present. Three French hens, two turtledoves, seven swans-as-swimming, and one partridge living in a pear trees. . .
Although armed officers had been standing ready to invade the building, all were sent home by Omicron bird flu positives after they tested positive.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.