Two years of being royally ruled over by scientists has been enough for me. Especially since they now want to get after the drinker.

One of the many joys of lockdown is the ability to eat 12 or more of the tough stuff.

Figures are coming in that show boozing among my peer group — the over-45s — has skyrocketed off the scale and into Outer Space in recent times.

Writing of his alcohol free years, Roger Lewis said: 'Hitler was a teetotal vegetarian, incidentally, which I always point out to teetotallers and vegetarians'

Roger Lewis, writing about his alcohol free years said, “Hitler was a vegetarian teetotal, incidentally.” This is something I often point out to vegetarians and teetotallers.

Boffins and everyone else are popping corks more often and earlier each day.

According to the World Heart Federation, even moderate drinkers are at risk as strokes can occur up to 1.4 times faster than those who are not.

Alliteratively, a spokesperson stated that “No amount of consumption is good for your heart health.”

Even less strict doctors recommend that you have no more than 3 glasses of red wine per week. One study, however, recommended only 3 glasses per fortnight.

You’d probably drink far more at this rate than the recommended amount if communion was your only option.

These doom-laden warnings are followed by a list of the worst that awaits the unlucky.

The chief executive of the Institute of Alcohol Studies — a body I didn’t know existed; would they like me to lend them a hand? — having delivered the grim news that booze-related deaths were up 19 per cent in 2020, says: ‘Alcoholic liver disease in particular is a national emergency.’

Apparently the incidence of it is up by 400 per cent since 1970 — I was only ten at the time. Give me a chance.

Figures are coming in that show boozing the over-45s has skyrocketed in recent years (file photo)

Recent figures show that the number of over-45s boozing has risen in recent years. File photo

This fearmongering may prove to be counterproductive. Tommy Cooper, for example, poured milk onto his breakfast cereal as’milk contains cholesterol’.

However, that doesn’t stop busy-body doctors. Professor at Imperial College London says that one drink could cause liver damage.

By measuring the enzymes present in blood, we can confirm this the following day. I believe microscopes have become far too complex.

Professor explains that the liver can become fatty over a period of several weeks due to both inflammatory damage as well as alcohol calories.

Naturally, it’s all personal to me, because a decade ago my pancreas went bang.

My diabetes nurse once said to me, “Your liver is fat.” After allowing this to sink in for a while, I responded, “Well, it’s possible, Nurse Twelvetrees. You’re ugly.”

Hardly Noel Coward, but the best I could manage under the circumstances, and we both laughed — until I crashed to the ground, that is.

The Poldark Ward at Truro hospital was awakened to inform me that the sugar level in my blood had risen due to pancreatitis.

I was a fool. I openly confess that I believed Richard Burton’s assertion that Welsh livers and kidneys were made from a metallic alloy, which is quite different to the rest of humanity. (I am Welsh.)

Burton was a great boozer, and he died in his 58th year. He drank only one glass of vodka per day.

I wasn’t quite on Burton’s level but I once ran up a bar bill of £700 on margaritas during a transatlantic crossing aboard the QE2 liner — and I was on my own.

Between 2011 and 2018, I was on dry land for seven years, and nearly died from boredom. The parties became meaningless.

It felt like being on the beach and watching others have a good time laughing, embracing, and having fun.

As anyone who attends press events, premieres or launch parties would, I was an antisocial recluse. Although they start out in civilised ways, once a while the drinks trays are passed, people seem to get a little crazy.

Drinkers repeat their mistakes, reach for your sleeves and become aggressive or tearful. Non-smokers start smoking.

The teetotaller says it feels like they suddenly speak in another language.

The only benefit was financial — all those cases of wine not purchased, cheaper restaurant bills, a slimmed-down overdraft.

My liver also stopped becoming fatty after several months of abstinence. However, other items dropped.

This is how it should be. Urology. It is my future. The diabetes isn’t going away.

This is what I refer to as my Wilderness Years.

I have never written a book. I lost my mojo. I don’t have anything to prove my clear-eyed innocence. I did however watch a lot old black-and white films.

It was then that I realized I had to take to heart the words of Humphrey Bogart, who said “I once quit booze.” That was my most unhappy afternoon.

Or the profundity of Tommy Cooper’s quip: ‘I bet a man £20 I could cure my drinking problem. My gambling problems are also here.

When I was diagnosed with a mix of sciatica and prostatitis in January 2018, I was unable to keep up the pace. After being prescribed temazepam to treat insomnia, I decided that it was a relaxing medication and I would like to try the corkscrew.

People who drink after prolonged periods of sobriety may feel they’re back at the bar after just a few glasses. But I soon found my feet up, thanks to the Majestic Wine Bills.

'Red wine is my tipple. I can't stand white wine or beer, as these are high in carbs and calories, though my concern is taste, not health,' Mr Lewis said (file photo used)

“Red wine is my favorite tipple.” “I can’t drink white wine, or beer. They are very high in carbohydrates and calories. But my concern is taste, rather than health.” Mr Lewis (file photo used).

It is important to be careful with what you touch. The things I touch during the workday or while at work are not my responsibility.

I don’t have anything until gone eight o’clock — at night that is. Also, I limit myself to one bottle per day.

I prefer red wine. White wine and beer are too high in calories and carbs for me. However, my main concern is the taste of red wines.

At 61, my mood is brighter than it has been for a long time. With a good dinner accompanied by red wine a daily prospect, I am glad to report I have nearly finished a new book, my biography of Richard Burton, which is only about 11 years overdue at the publishers — when I began, Elizabeth Taylor was still alive.

According to the great man, tipsiness is one of the few delights in the murderous world. This is especially true if like me you have a firm belief that this world won’t last very long.

This reflects the apocalyptic mood of lockdown, when sales of champagne rose by 32 per cent, adding €5 billion to the French economy.

Churchill knew the right thing. Churchill had the right idea.

Hitler, incidentally was a vegetarian teetotaler. This is something I constantly point out to vegetarians and teetotallers.

Even though I have heard of some woke vegan advancements that will convert us to non-alcoholic horrors like hibiscus or sea lettuce flake infusions. Cherry juice with a touch of carrots. Vintage green tea with aniseed from Yunnan Province, China. Grilled shallot water.

Is it really worth living a life of sobriety and stone-cold purity? However, it is clear that life, without some restorative sips, has no elegance or exuberance.