Styling: Nicola Rose. Caroline Barnes from Frank Agency. Alex Szabo, Carol Hayes
These are three words that always strike fear in my heart. Space is what I seek. Along with ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, this is the phrase that is always trotted out just before a major dumping. Or an attempt to sugar-coat the awful truth of, ‘I’m just not that into you’.
When I heard those words in the death throes of my own marriage I couldn’t see them as anything but an exit strategy.
I thought ‘I need space’ was code for ‘I want to leave and pursue other interests’. It was exactly what it was. For who doesn’t want to share space with someone they love?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those ‘couple-y’ people who finish each other’s sentences or need the other’s approval to buy clothes or decide whether they can accept an invitation to Aunt Joan’s turkey supper.
But neither am I someone who, when in a relationship, says, ‘Crack on, have fun, live by yourself, do what you like and we’ll see where we are in six months.’
Perhaps it’s because I’m an only child, but I have never wanted space. I sometimes used to lock myself in the bathroom when the kids were young just to snatch a breather from the madness that was Igglepiggle, pear purée and worming medicine, but generally I’m happiest when I’m in company. My college friends nicknamed my the draft excluder, because when I wasn’t home, I’d be at the door, waiting to hear about everyone else’s exploits.
But I’ve learnt some lessons in the past few years and one of them is that we are all different. My daughter tells me she needs alone time to ‘recharge’ her ‘social battery’ (she also tells me I see everything through a heteronormative lens and that I’m so cringey I make her teeth hurt, but that’s teenagers for you) and I can see that this is true for her.
I’m starting to see that for some people a requirement for space isn’t necessarily a brush-off but a genuine need for alone time.
My new partner and I share space. We live separately and have our own children. We also have the freedom to choose what space we keep. This includes our friends, exercise and passions as well as those we enjoy being around. So I’ve revised my opinion on space.
I had to learn how to live alone after my divorce. A terrifying prospect, but once I experienced it I realised it wasn’t actually that bad. Some aspects of it are actually something I enjoy.
Living alone – well, when I say alone, I have two teenagers, my mother in the annexe, an anxiously attached dog and a belligerent guinea pig, but living without a partner-in-residence – means I get to have a gazillion fairy lights twinkling in the living room and sleep like a starfish. Even though they are very comfortable, my bum is so large that I have to eat cereal at dinner. Sometimes I wear joggers with a lot of gravitational pull. Without any judgement, I’ll watch junk TV such as Selling Sunset.
However, the greatest discovery is how all of this space improves my relationships. Genuinely. There is huge pressure from other people asking, ‘What’s next?’ As if my boyfriend and I can’t be serious if we’re not racing through the traditional commitment milestones. I remember in my 20s – as soon as I moved in with my now ex-husband –
It was a constant battle to find out when my wedding would be. The minute we were back from honeymoon, it was, ‘When are you having babies?’ Once I’d had a baby, the ‘Will you have another one?’ queries began.
Although I’m in my forties, I get the same questions from people even though I am now with a different partner. Why do people do this – is it simply from a desire to see you happy and settled, or do they get a kick out of trying to sow the seeds of doubt in your mind? The truth is, I’m happy with our ‘together but apart’ arrangement. It means we don’t get stuck in the roles that neither of us really wants – short-order chef, designated driver, bin man. It also means that we look forward to each other. Sleepovers are something we eagerly look forward to.
So yes, my friends, I’m saying it… give me space. It’s not necessary to say too much.
@lifesrosie