We spent Christmas last year apart, and you weren’t there the next day. We’re making it extra special this year to spare me the tears. . . The question now is: will we be successful?
Do we need to eat, drink and party like Downing Street’s elites? Because another lockdown might be around the corner.
Should we temper our festive joy and be more cautious? Whatever you do, don’t miss my -Z guide to Christmas Covid — The Second Coming.
A. . . It’s for another year, with a brand new one starting. Well, almost. We know in some ways what Christmas 2021 will look like.
Circuit-breakers are more than missing bulbs on tree lights.
What is the difference between hands, faces, and wasting space? This is the best way to describe political leaders.
The pingdemic, contact tracing? Been there and done that, along with doomscrolling and caremongering when WFH on a Blursday — but what is next?
B . . . This is the Big Boost. For getting your booster. “Have your booster been given yet?” This is something perfect strangers can ask you as you wait at the bus stop.
You are in control of what you do at home. But don’t worry. Covid Christmas simply means how much alcohol you managed to get into your drinks. You can have rum and sherry in your teacups, or in your trifles. All of us have been there. We all need a boost at this time of the year. C.
C . . . This is Baileys Irish Cream, also known as Christmas Milk.
Christmas is the one time of year when it is socially acceptable for mums everywhere to pour themselves a nutritious glass of Christmas Milk when basking in the glow of that 15-minute window of opportunity when the table is cleared, the dishwasher is full, the living room isn’t a war zone and no one is asking where the next cup of tea/meal/gift/snack is coming from.
It is acceptable to have a glass of nutritious Christmas milk at Christmas.
D . . . It stands for Drinks. The story is currently in the news: An air hostess carried her trolley on an airplane flight between London and Belfast last week. Is there any snacks and drinks? “Any drinks or snacks?” she inquired. ‘What do you think this is — a cabinet meeting?’ To the delight of all onboard, one passenger laughed.
It has truly made Christmas for me.
E . . . This category is dedicated to elves, those unsung minions who wear regrettable shoes or tights in order to aid the big man accomplish his big task.
Some are more helpful than other. Dominic Cummings once was a chief-elf. Now he is part of Team Grinch. Cummings seems determined to destroy, and bring down government officials as well as those who employed him in the past, just for his dark desires. Is he low in elf self-esteem? He needs your help before it’s too late.
The unsung minions of the big man are called elves. They run about in shabby shoes and tights, to assist him with his big task.
F . . . This is the fourth vaccine. You are kidding me! You’re kidding me! Four call birds, four rider of the apocalypse… and now, a fourth Covid injectable. Are you referring to the four-formaggi intravenous medication, or the last bite of the pinpricked pizza in your biceps? It’s not my intention to disagree. If this is the case, then I will be there.
G . . . Gandalf, and Gummidge (Worzel) are both. Although much was made about the lax grooming of women during the pandemics, it is worth taking a closer look at how men behave in their daily lives. This is quite a situation!
British Prime Minister appears to be sleeping in a skip before each press conference. Keir starmer, on the other hand, is a very aged boy band.
Worzel Gummidge (the British Prime Minister) appears to be sleeping in a skip, and rubbing a balloon onto his head.
H . . . is for Hamsterkaufing — the wonderful German word for stockpiling and/or hoarding foodstuffs. When you observe someone with Christmas puddings in their cart, or festive boiled pork, your instinct is to shout “Hamsterkaufen!”
You shouldn’t be surprised when she says back, “I have ham but not a mouse.”
Please also note the verb to ‘magpie’ — to snatch up desirable staples in the supermarket, such as toilet paper or pasta, like a mad old bird.
You . . . is for idiot — and possibly also for idi-not. Tony Blair said this week, “If you refuse to get the Covid vaccine and are eligible, then you’re an idiot.”
Uh oh! Attention Man from the Past, who dares to enter the contemporary pit of public opinion and not learn the new rules.
Tony spoke his truth immediately, and the anti-vaxxers went into full-blown rage. The former Labour prime minister changed his mind before the day ended. He stated that he thought he was being a bit too undiplomatic about his use of language. Possibly. Oder maybe not.
J. . . it is also for Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph, and the little donkey. They won’t violate the Rule Of Six in Wales nor Nicola Sturgeon’s order that socializing should only be restricted to three households in Scotland, but this family traveling with their baby will. However, it does prohibit visits by shepherds, angels, and wise men from countries on the red-list.
K. . . It’s for Kate and her unwavering dedication to Christmas dressing. The Duchess is a true champion of festive dressing.
The girl never underdresses on any festive theme, from December through Hogmanay.
Kate Middleton wore a red cashmere jumper from Miu Miu that came with its own built-in baubles
Red coats for carol service. In church, velvet collars You will find gold and silver accents all around. For Christmas, Tartan skirts
And best of all — for decorating the trees at Westminster Abbey — a red cashmere jumper from Miu Miu that came with its own built-in baubles! A Peter Pan collar is included, as well as pearl buttons.
While most of us wouldn’t look good in such a number, Kate pulls it off. Just.
L. . . Noel is available.
M. . . It is used for mistletoe. Forget it. This is just not possible.
M. . . It is used for mistletoe. Forget it. This is just not possible
N . . . This is for the New Normal. Is that even possible? Nobody knows and everyone should stop saying that. There is no normal anymore, and you don’t matter where or how you live, you can just do what you want.
O. . . This is Omicron, Omicron’s lovely friend who might represent a new wave of a parallel pandemic.
It is called the mild version of Covid, which is like saying a cold is the mild version of flu — we all know that both are horrible.
Even a half-virulent strain can still cause serious damage, even if the spread is much faster. Omicron can be mildly inherited, but it is important to remember that Omicron has the potential for serious consequences.
P . . . This is for parties. We aren’t having any this year. Boris is not without critics. But that photo looked like a group of exhausted colleagues enjoying a lunch outside their office, accompanied by wine and cheese.
They may have been wrong, and they certainly were thoughtless. But what’s worse? The confected outrage of tribalism and condemnation of them all.
Q . . . It is also for Queen. She is enjoying a completely different Christmas. It is also for Quality Street and in a way — puffs on pipe — the two are inextricably linked. The one has a golden crown with a coconut topping and the other is chocolate. You must eat large amounts of quarantinis over the next week. Q refers to Quarantinis.
R . . . It is used for reindeer. Warm welcome to Donner and Blitzen. Pfizer Moderna, AstraZeneca and Moderna are welcome to say hello. They are not new to Christmas rodeos and will be there for many years.
S . . . is for the saviour-complex. It is adorable to see Harry and Meghan with their kids, Archie, and Lilibet.
Prince Harry und Meghan Markle have finally shared the first photograph of Lilibet Diana in December, six months after her birth.
Why is it that the statement they provide says they made donations on our behalf to charity? Why don’t they make donations on their behalf?
Only one person is allowed to indulge in this saviour-complex at this time of the year. That is the little boy in the basket. One who isn’t away from the fairies, like the Sussexes. But, away from the manger.
T . . . It is used for terminology. This is just to be crystal clear. Covid stayscation means that you are at home but don’t take a vacation. Holidays are when you take a vacation, even though it is not in your home country.
You sit in your car, drive, and feel guilty about being forced to take another drivecation. Did you get it?
U . . . This is where you can find useless gifts. There has never been a time when we were more desperate for silly, useless, and expensive presents. This isn’t the case with the Duchess and Duke of York. Mary Queen of Scots was her most persecuted monarch, but she lost her head. Most useless presents this year include the Hot Chocolate Velvetiser at £99.95 and the £160 Smeg milk frother.
V . . . It stands for Very Closely. Sage and Government have been watching these data closely. We must keep our eyes open to the changing circumstances and be open-minded about other opinions. We can choose to not do so and continue fighting.
W . . . Is for the Worst. It is for Worst. Emma Thompson opens the Love Actually CD by Joni Mitchell.
X . . . This is for Xmas Traditions. Many of them have fallen like snow and gone missing in the pandemic blizzard. (See M for Mistletoe).
Y. . . It is for yesterday. When our problems seemed far away, it seems that Covid is here to stay. Remember, true Christmas spirit is in your heart. This is an unbelievable statement. Jesus, baby! Meghan? No, you fools. Tom Hanks was Santa Claus in The Polar Express.
Z. . . Zoom Quiz. There are many people who want the police to investigate the Prime Minister for hosting the Zoom quiz in 2015. He should be punished, and maybe even locked up.
This could be possible. In these difficult times, you can get an advent calendar for 25 days.
Let me end by wishing you all a happy Christmas.