I like them, says Liz Jones
Carrying a bodycon gown is like being in a really shut relationship with a boa constrictor. The second I noticed sausage-skin bodycon again on the catwalk, I breathed a sigh of aid.
That stated, it wasn’t a deep breath — they’re too tight for that. Should you ever learn that I’ve donated a kidney, it gained’t have been for altruistic causes — it’ll simply be as a result of I wanted to create space.
Its return heralds the demise of the tea gown — the passive-aggressive floaty quantity that hides a harridan who minds when you put a grimy teaspoon on her ironed tablecloth.
Bodycons and skyscraper heels are all over the place on the brand new collection of The Apprentice. Does that imply these bold younger wannabes are utilizing intercourse attraction to get forward?
Nicely, type of. They know Lord Sugar would suppose a girl wearing one thing floaty is in possession of an equally comfortable mind. You’d by no means catch Sugar’s sidekick, Karren Brady, in something that’s not organ-hugging.
My first bodycon was purchased within the very early Eighties. It was by that grasp of the artwork Azzedine Alaia — black, with a texture like crepe paper and it price simply wanting £800, my total scholar grant, writes Liz Jones (pictured)
Like The Apprentice contestants, I’m simply not a wafty type of individual. I don’t wish to float. In a bodycon, you attempt, you dive and, as Meghan Markle would say, you thrive — and that’s way more my type.
My first bodycon was purchased within the very early Eighties. It was by that grasp of the artwork Azzedine Alaia — black, with a texture like crepe paper and it price simply wanting £800, my total scholar grant.
It had a kick like a pony on the knee, with a teeny diagonal zip, and it was very, very tough to get on. The method made me sweat, and I typically put my head by the armhole by mistake however, as soon as on, it all the time received me seen.
I felt contained and assured, as if I used to be being hugged by a really forgiving pal. Bodycon holds you in and shores you up. It makes you stand tall even whenever you may be down within the dumps.
Since then, I’ve dallied with a slip and toyed with an A-line, however I’ve all the time returned to the bodycon: a pupa by Prada, a gut-gripper from Gucci.
All the time designer, as solely costly cloth will constrain like a corset irrespective of if, like me, you’ve got a stress-fat tummy induced by the worth tags.
Charlotte Hawkins is pictured left whereas Sarah Jessica Parker are each pictured in bodycon
Within the mid Eighties, Herve Leger — the agency began by French designer Hervé Peugnet — picked up the baton from Alaia, fashioning clothes from strips of knitted cloth, a way previously utilized in corsetry.
Whereas Herve parted firm with the unique agency, and has since died, the model that bears his title nonetheless specialises in bodycon.
And it was a show-stopping Herve Leger pink bandage gown — it price almost a grand, so you possibly can’t afford meals, which is simply as nicely — that I selected as my ‘re-entry’ outfit post-lockdown for a sizzling date, after what appeared like a decade with out wherever glamorous to go and a two-year intercourse drought.
If the person in your life has gone off the boil within the bed room, that is what it’s essential to do the trick. He can peel you want a banana.
These are garments for grown-up ladies who imply enterprise. Designers have lastly received the message that the primary perform of a gown is to not make us appear to be little women or, God forbid, cozy. I believe we’ve all had sufficient of Covid cozy. And also you don’t need to be skinny to rock a bodycon. Actually, I believe it appears higher with curves — simply have a look at Kim Kardashian. These attire shout: ‘I’m not ashamed of my physique. I’m not protecting it up in a sack.’
The bodycon isn’t like a bikini. If it’s made nicely, with thick elastane or crepe threaded with Lycra, and bolstered on the seams — Herve Leger is sort of a straitjacket, even Hannibal Lecter couldn’t escape — it would tame your wobbly bits. You may be exhausting, as modern as an otter, as impervious as a deep-sea diver.
Some more moderen iterations have messed with the system, with half-hearted outcomes. I’m not a fan of a bodycon gown with cutouts — the entire level is to include your flesh.
My most up-to-date bodycon buy was a nude Victoria Beckham quantity; VB is queen of the squeeze. Everybody feedback on it. It even offers me curves, after I’m naturally fairly straight-up-and-down.
And in contrast to Alaia, since Victoria is a girl, it has a really lengthy zip, so you may get it on with out turning contortionist.
I wore it to satisfy a person in a bar, and his tongue virtually lolled out of his mouth. The reality is, bodycon is again as a result of it’s attractive. By no means thoughts worth per put on, it’s worth per stare!
I detest them, says Imogen Edwards-Jones
Oh no, it’s again. Simply whenever you thought it was protected to develop on the couch, crack open one other tube of Pringles and, slack-jawed, watch a little bit of telly, right here comes Lord Sugar’s Fembot Military all marching to the identical drum, wearing nude stilettos and pantyhose and the ever present bodycon gown.
What contemporary hell is that this?
Have we returned to the Eighties? Are we having a collective Jackie Collins flashback? The final time we noticed this specific mixture was the period of Melanie Griffith in Working Woman, saying she had a ‘head for enterprise and a physique for sin’.
Although how anybody can consider difficult figures whereas holding their breath and sitting bolt upright is past me.
I’ve to say I’m confused. Absolutely we’d discovered by now that nobody appears good in a bodycon gown? Full cease.
They cling, they pinch, they squeeze, they suffocate, they’re unforgiving.
The pastry breakfast, the baguette lunch, even the smallest packet of peanuts on the best way to the get together are all writ massive for the world to see.
I’ve to say I’m confused. Absolutely we’d discovered by now that nobody appears good in a bodycon gown? Full cease, writes Imogen Edwards-Jones
And don’t suppose that Spanx are your pal in all of this. Sure, they will clean a abdomen and hoick up a behind.
However they will do nothing within the face of a bodycon gown as a result of, very like squeezing a tube of toothpaste, the fats has to go someplace.
Down the thighs, out the again, up the entrance or, in my case, over the facet as double boob underneath the armpit.
We all know all this — however nonetheless we’re tempted.
For the bodycon — or lets simply name it The Con? — is known as a story of hope over expertise.
The Apprentice’s Brittany Carter is pictured left whereas Victoria Beckham is pictured proper
I admit that I fell for it in Zara not too long ago. Shimmery. Silver. Sequinned. Quick. It was like a siren name from events previous, exuding enjoyable and youth. And I took it residence.
What a mistake. Will I ever be taught? Fortunately, I attempted it on within the consolation of my very own bed room so nobody might hear me scream.
Did I look glamorous? Did I look enjoyable? Did I look attractive? Did I hell! I simply regarded like a chunky, glittered, butcher’s alternative pork sausage prepared for the barbecue.
It makes you lengthy for the frilly frou-frou curtains of final 12 months. The up-to-the-neck, down-to-the-floor, coverall lampshade outfits that allowed us to waft and wander and flop as we preferred.
We regarded presentable and aromatic and completely fairly, whereas half of us have been nonetheless sporting our tracksuit bottoms beneath.
Perhaps that’s the explanation for the brand new Fembot military of Cons? It’s the concept of being completely put collectively, having gone to the salon, curled their hair, waxed the legs and slipped into one thing extraordinarily uncomfortable that makes you so very 2022.
Nonetheless, the Con ought to include an age-appropriate warning. Should you can keep in mind Cindy Crawford working the bandage gown, or Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal, then you must step away from the sequinned elastane tube winking at you from the Excessive Avenue window.
For irrespective of how tremendous and smashing and svelte your determine may be, you might be mutton, my pal. The Con is a younger lady’s sport.
Image analysis: Claire Cisotti