One moment in particular stands out during the ten terrible days my mother was on the brink of death following a stroke.
We spent hours with her in her desperate state, and she didn’t even recognize us.
My son arrived with me one afternoon and her eyes, which were unable to focus on the two of them, became enlivened by the sight of her youngest grandchild. As she stared at him, a smile so warm and loving transformed her face, it felt as though he was bringing her back to me.
I was reminded of this most poignant of memories this week, when I read the results of the first study into how a grandmother’s brain functions. They may feel more connected to grandchildren than they are to their children.
Jane Gordon compares the joy of being a grandmother with the hard work, endless worry, huge responsibility and maternal guilt of being a mother. Pictured: Jane with daughter Bryony, far left, and granddaughter Edie
Emory University’s Professor James Rilling led the research. He scanned the brains and photographed 50 grandmothers aged between three and twelve. Then, they looked at pictures of their children as well, including their grandchild.
The part of the brain associated with emotional empathy activated when the grandmothers looked at their grandchildren. According to the study, this reaction shows that grandparents feel exactly what their grandchildren feel.
‘If their grandchild is smiling, they’re feeling the child’s joy. And if their grandchild is crying, they’re feeling the child’s pain and distress,’ says Professor Rilling.
But when the women looked at images of their adult children, the areas of the brain that were activated were more associated with cognitive empathy, which is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking, but not — as with emotional empathy — being able to share those feelings.
In the 1960s, researchers came up with the ‘grandmother hypothesis’, the belief that the evolutionary reason women live decades beyond their menopause is to increase the chances of their grandchildren surviving with the physical support they offer. This study seems to confirm this theory and supports my own belief that being a grandmother is one of the most important and joyous roles a woman can have — the wonderful, rejuvenating love of your later life.
Motherhood is a precious gift. I consider my time with my three children, Bryony (41), Naomi (38), and Rufus (29), the most joyful and fulfilling years of my life.
However, as unconditional and sincere as my love was for my kids (and still is), motherhood also meant a lot of work, worry, enormous responsibility and lots of maternal guilt. That nagging feeling that most mothers feel they lack the time or patience to become the mom they dreamed of being.
When my granddaughter Edie was eight years old, I found out that grandmotherhood had no negatives.
Jane stated that being a grandmother restored her passion for life, and helped to reverse the lingering empty nest syndrome. Pictured: Jane’s mum with her grandson
Grandmaternal guilt is not real. Even when you are guilty — as I regularly am — of doing things I know my daughter doesn’t approve of, such as buying Edie yet another L.O.L. You can ignore it and consider it part of your granny role. And even though I still work, I have the time — and the patience — to do the things with Edie that I rarely managed with her mother when she was eight.
We complete jigsaws, we play ‘schools’ (she is the teacher and I am the pupil) and when she stays overnight, we have our ‘happy hour’ after her bath but before she goes to bed. Edie drinks an apple juice and I have red wine. We snack on popcorn and crisps while watching a movie.
I have a similar, but obviously less intense, relationship with my eldest grandniece Naomi, who once confided to her friend that the reason she loved staying with me was because ‘the only rule is that there are no rules and you can have cake for breakfast’.
The real joy in being a grandmother is for me the way it restored my passion for life and reversed the lingering empty nest syndrome I experienced as a single mother.
A grandchild can provide those same things as your adult children, but they also have the main motivations of life.
Jane said the relationship she has with her granddaughter Edie (pictured) is the most effortless and carefree she has ever had
Although my children love me very much, it can sometimes feel like their contact with them (either by phone or via WhatsApp) is an annoying and tedious chore. But my interactions with Edie — who sneakily steals her mother’s iPhone to FaceTime me — are altogether more enthusiastic and fun. And one of the great advantages of being a granny in the digital age is that my memories of her babyhood — and one day doubtless her memories of me — are preserved.
We spent last week two hours enjoying the 744 Edie videos on our phone. Her delight at seeing herself as a baby — throwing food from her high-chair or blowing bubbles in the bath — was matched by the joy I felt that she will be able to relive those moments when she is grown up and I am gone.
Edie has the best and most carefree friendship I have ever known. Edie’s relationship with me is free from the worries, responsibilities and errors that can inevitably affect my children’s relationships. I don’t love her more, but as probably the last great relationship I will experience she illuminates my life.
And, yes, I am sure that if I had been in Professor Rilling’s study, the part of my brain connected to emotional empathy would have lit up like a Christmas tree at the sight of a photograph of Edie.
Just as my mother’s must have done when she saw her grandson the day before she died.