Remember flirting? Getting someone’s attention with some witty banter? Sultry gaze, flicked over the shoulder and seductive? Do you feel the sparks fly by making eye contact with someone on the tube?
If you seriously can’t remember the last time you did any of the above, join the club: we’ve ALL forgotten how to flirt.
Remove the usual social interaction and even the most confident person feels out of practise…and nervous.
Is it still there? Do you think chatting with someone is like riding a motorcycle? Is it possible to approach people more openly than they were in the past?
Good news: While some things may have changed, the desire to connect has never been greater.
Here’s some practical tips on how to get YOUR flirting mojo back in four classic seduction situations.
Stock image: Sexpert TraceyCox shares her universal guide to flirting in all situations and getting results (stock photo)
SITUATON 1 – ON A ZOOM CALL
Used to be, you’d be able to flirt across desks or in the coffee room. In these WFH times (yawn), it’s all online and on camera.
If it’s a work thing…
Look great – but like you haven’t tried at all: Too dressed up looks obvious and desperate – especially if the most effort everyone else has made is to choose a top without food stains. You should choose something that flatters the best part of your body, from the waist up. You should wear a jacket or top that highlights your muscular shoulders. A bra that exposes your breasts without showing too much cleavage is a good choice. Rings to show off long and elegant fingers are also good options. Zoom Beauty Filter (set at mid-level, but not full) will help you keep your makeup natural. Use ring lighting (this goes for blokes as well – no-one can tell and it blasts out those unattractive under eye shadows). Although natural light is the best, it’s not always easy to find that in this season. Get the camera angle right: you’re looking up not down at the camera.
You should have a sense for humor: Nothing’s more seductive than someone who makes you laugh. It’s work, so you can’t be the class clown, but you can keep things light and cheerful and make the odd joke when appropriate.
The bottom half of your body should be seductive. No-one can see you’ve teamed that innocent jumper with sexy knickers and high heels/nothing but a pair of Calvins, but it really works to make you ooze sexual energy and confidence.
You can find a reason to keep them online after everyone has left the meeting. Say or private message, ‘I need to discuss one more thing with you John that’s not really relevant to anyone else. Can you stay on once we finish?’. Once it’s the two of you, invent a flimsy excuse that’s obviously fabricated, then say ‘OK, so I lied. I fancied a chat just the two of us’. Have some banter about your colleagues, ask what they’re doing for Christmas, ask a question about something in their background. If they have any questions, you can give them your telephone number. Unless they’re completely clueless, they’ll get the hint you’re interested in being more than just a colleague.
Their name should be used: ‘I agree with Sofia’, ‘Matt’s absolutely right when he says that’. Science proves our brain clicks to attention when we hear our name; it’s also an ego boost to be personally name-checked, particularly if there’s a compliment attached.
Eye contact is essential: Zoom’s weird: you’re looking straight at the person you can see onscreen but, to them, it looks like you’re looking elsewhere. It’s all to do with the camera angle. It feels counterintuitive but if you look at the camera, rather than at the person, you’ll look directly into their eyes.
Make an excuse for a meet-up: Again, make an excuse to private message, chat about work stuff for a bit then segue into talking about what you love doing – cooking, eating, walking in the park, watching movies. Ask them if they like it too. Even if restrictions are re-introduced, you’re likely to be able to meet for a coffee/some mulled wine in the park. You don’t need to officially ask them on a date. Think of somewhere central to the two of you and say, ‘Hey, that reminds me, I’m going to this movie/will be in this part of town on Saturday. If you’re around, why don’t you come along’. This keeps it deliberately vague: it’s not clear if it’s a just-the-two-of-you thing or you’re inviting other friends as well. They will be much more gracious if you decline their invitation.
If it’s just the two of you…
Dress for the camera Pretend you’re running late and say, ‘Look away for a sec, I just need to change my top’. If you’re brave, you’ll strip to your underwear/a bare chest, if you’re not, briefly reveal a tight, flattering vest top.
You should have something sexual in the background.A provocative book, photograph or print, an erotic print, a book, or a figurine with nude characters. By casually placing lingerie on the sofa’s back, you can elevate it a bit.
Turn your head towards the side. It’s something we do when we’re interested in what the other person is saying – and it exposes our neck, a subtle erogenous zone. If you’ve got long hair, push all of it to one side and hold it there. You look flirtatious and vulnerable.
Tracey (pictured), stated that facial expressions can not only bring out the best in us, but also allow others to see how ours is affecting them.
Get curious People are often happy to answer questions. It’s a common trait that people love sharing about themselves. You can start with the basics: do they reside in a house? do they own a pet? how was the pandemic affected their lives. You can go a little more wild and ask them how they managed to not be able or able, for example, what was their relationship like? Imagine your sister or flatmate accidentally interfering with Zoom sex. Blatant, crude sexual come-ons will get you nowhere: mention the word ‘sex’ in a relatively innocent context and you’ll pique their interest classily.
Playfulness is keyA great way to flirt is gentle teasing. Watch their reaction carefully, though, and know when to pull back if you’ve crossed the line from cute to annoying.
Be the one to end the conversation so they’re left wanting more. Do it before you’ve naturally come to the end of the chat and doing that awkward ‘Anyway, it’s getting late’. Say something funny, ‘My dog has literally dropped the tin opener in my lap. I think I’d better feed him’. Then go. Quickly.
Bite your lip: Do it while you’re making direct eye contact. Biting your lip is something we do unconsciously when we’re thinking AND when we’re sexually aroused by someone. They don’t know for sure which it is, which adds to the sexual tension. Or say, ‘Don’t mind me’ and apply some lip balm or gloss, using the screen as a mirror. Pout provocatively.
For out-of-office time, schedule the zoom: Even though they behave the same at night, people are different during the day. Suggest you both nip off to get a glass of wine, once you’ve been talking a little while, to make it seem like more of a date.
SITUTATION TWO – AT A WORK PARTY
Assuming you’re not working at No 10, you just might sneak one in. Excellent news if it does happen because the combination of being let out to play and too much booze, makes most (single) people open to advances (and, sadly, those who aren’t).
Use ‘we’ as soon as you possibly can. ‘We’re going to get fat if we eat all that, aren’t we?’. ‘Shall we have another drink?’. Conversationally linking the two of them subliminally plant the idea that you might be able to connect in other ways.
Show your good side: Popular people tend to have animated faces and make a steady stream of expressions when they’re talking or listening. Face expressions can not only add life to our stories but also allow us to share the effects of others’ facial expressions. Smile and you will make the entire world smile!
Breathe. Someone you’re attracted to can take your breath away in a literal sense. When we’re nervous or excited, often we stop breathing. Robbed of oxygen, you can’t think clearly, and your voice comes out high-pitched and strangled. It’s not the most sexy sound on the planet. Take slow, deep breaths and you’ll look and feel relaxed.
Don’t look away if someone else joins the conversation. Instead, lock eyes with the person you like and keep them there, even when they’ve finished talking or another person starts. Slowly and slowly, if you do eventually drag your eyes off (about three to four seconds after the initial conversation), it will be a sign that you are not serious about this. This is something that’s simple to do, intensely flattering and if done well, will take their breath away.
You can see their mouths: The more we’re attracted to someone, the more time we spend looking at their mouth. We’re subconsciously thinking about what it might be like to kiss them (among other things).
You can put something in it: a straw, the end of your glasses, (if you’re brave) your finger. Putting any object against our lips makes the person you’re talking to imagine kissing you.
SITUATION TROIS: A DINNER PARTY
There’s a group of you, in one room, and you’re forced to hang around for at least a few hours: it’s the perfect flirting playing field. In these situations, shy individuals can often manage to make eye contact with the others.
Reflect on their body language It’s the single most effective flirting tool at your disposal. By matching or imitating their movements you’re subconsciously telling them you are like them and on the same level. Don’t mimic, mirror the mood. They are leaning forward, and you are leaning forward.
Be kind to them The right time to instigate your first touch is in response to something the other person has done or said: if they make you laugh, say something to surprise or delight you, reveal something intimate, or make a point you particularly agree with, that’s the time to touch them. To start, touch the back, forearm, shoulder, or upper arm. If your touch seems welcome, as the night goes on sit close enough for your arms to touch, casually press your thigh against yours, move a foot so it’s next to theirs. If they’re interested, they’ll touch you back within a few minutes. If they’re too shy to reciprocate, they’ll look visibly disappointed if you create distance.
Make sure you record yourself before leaving: If you’re having a friend over for supper, take 10 minutes and record the conversation. Listen back. Listen back. We all have pet words and phrases we overuse – what are yours? How’s the tone and pitch? Make adjustments if necessary.
Share your instant past with others: Refer back to anything that’s already happened between you. Imagine that you nearly drank a glass red wine while you chatted before you sat down. Later, talk about how clumsy you are and say, ‘Pete/Rachel knows all about that, right Pete/Rachel?’ with a conspiratorial grin. The rest of the group wonders, ‘What happened between those two?’ marking them as ‘yours’. Even though it was not important, it makes you appear to have a shared past.
Give a compliment that’s entirely individual: ‘You have beautiful eyes’ is nice but hardly memorable, ‘Your eyes are the most vivid shade of blue I’ve ever seen’ is.
You can seduce her with your sweater or coat. it’s a protective, sexy gesture that says, ‘I’m committing to hanging around to get that back again’. It’s now her turn to touch something that was close to her skin.
Use subconscious teases to seduce him Cross one arm loosely across your waist and support the elbow of the other arm by cupping it in your hand. Move your supported arm up until you can feel your fingertips touch your chest. Next, lightly stroke your collarbone. Maintain eye contact and let your hand rest there when you’re finished. This subtly draws attention to your breasts and lets him know you’re interested in more without coming on too strong or being blatant.
SITUATION FOUR, A NIGHT OUT WITH FRIENDS
You need to be bolder and more determined than ever before. If you’re out and about, you need to act fast because there’s no way of telling how long your target intends hanging around.
They should be given the go-ahead to move in: Smile at them, look directly at them and then turn your face toward them. If someone is doing the same to you – looking at you, facing you and smiling – they’re officially open to being approached. Keep your body language open. Don’t hold your drink of bag high in front of you as a shield, don’t cross your arms and stand with legs slightly apart.
Don’t be scared to make the move yourself. If you’re part of a group of mixed friends, it takes exceptional courage for someone to come over to chat you up without knowing if you’re already attached to someone else.
Make excuses with your friends: Say ‘My friend Jane/John is sick of listening to me going on about how pretty/handsome you are and made me come over and say hello even though I’m sure someone like you already has a partner’. It’s as low risk as you’ll get. It delivers a compliment, suggests you aren’t going to hang around if you’re not welcome and gives them an easy out.
Pretend you’re talking to your best friend. Would you tell your best friend to be the person sitting beside you at the bars? Something like, ‘How long do you think it’s going to be before the barman gets to us?’. ‘How hot is it in here?’. ‘How cool is that person’s hair/top/outfit!’. It’s easy to get too focused on the fact that their first line of conversation should be an intelligent chat up. Most chat up lines aren’t clever and sound contrived. It’s best to use something natural that fits the environment in which you live.
Make it clear what’s on offer:Would you like to meet up for sex immediately? Are you looking for a long-term relationship? Whatever scenario you choose, it will dictate what happens next. Ask to borrow their phone, type in your number, deliver a kiss on the lips (or one that’s more covid-friendly) and leave them wanting more. Or look them straight in the eye and say, ‘I think we should go somewhere more private. What do you think?’.
You want to learn more about sex and body language. You’ll find Tracey’s blog on traceycox.com and can listen to her weekly podcast, SexTok, wherever you listen to your podcasts.