If you wait for the perfect conditions for sex, you’ll never have it.
You will have times in your life when you don’t get the time to enjoy yourself. If the circumstances are temporary and your sex life otherwise is healthy, it might be a wise decision to temporarily put sex aside.
But if the frequency of sex is waning, the excuses for not having it are winning – and you’ll be the loser.
Keep letting these ‘It’s not convenient right now’ situations stop you connecting with your partner, and you will eventually end up having no sex at all.
You can’t have too much of a bad habit, so it is important to be feisty and keep your sex fresh!
Here’s how to get things moving again.
TraceyCox suggests that you have a fresh look if you find your sex life is getting stuck.
YOU’RE TOO BUSY
Seventy-five percent of the couples report that time constraints are their greatest frustrations in their sex lives.
Are these true or false? Are you lying?
Answer one question, and you’ll have your answer: How much time a day do you spend on your phone?
A survey in America and the UK suggests that the average person works between 2 and 5 hours per day.
Please tell me that you do not have the time or desire to get sex.
You might be time poor but you’re probably not out of it completely.
Solution: You should make every minute of the time that you have available count. Have a few sex sessions a week and then turn it up by running past sessions over in your mind. Send each other sexy texts, read an erotic book in the loo (and while you’re there, warm up with a bullet-style vibrator), have a sneak look at online porn.
All will ensure you’re ready to pounce in the short amount of time you do have free. You can apply the same efficiency to your daily life. What gets you hot and tired fast?
Tracey believes there is rarely an excuse for sex to stop, so you need to be creative
You’ve got your period
There’s no need to avoid sex during your period and lots of women find their desire for sex peaks at that time.
There are many benefits to having sex when you’re young.
Menstrual cramps may be relieved by orgasms. This is because the uterus contracts and then releases. These can also stimulate the release of endorphins which are chemicals that reduce pain and make you feel happier.
There’s evidence sex during your period could make it shorter (the uterine contractions that occur during orgasm push out the lining your body is trying to remove faster).
Solution: OK, so we know the downside to all this – the mess. You may also be squeamish with your partner.
First, be honest about when you had your period. Trying to pretend you haven’t and crossing your fingers there’s no evidence, isn’t on. Some people love the idea of having period sex. Other people don’t.
If your partner really doesn’t want to go there, why not have a mutual masturbation session using your vibrator instead? A menstrual cap can be used during sex.
If they aren’t too worried about the mess, reduce it by having sex in the shower. Put down a dark-colored towel, and make sure you have some wet flannel handy next to your bed. Position wise: if either of you are squeamish, spooning works well because you can’t really see what’s going on.
If you’re planning on receiving oral sex, leave the tampon in and push the string to one side (or use that menstrual cap!). If you don’t want it to get pushed into your vagina or forgotten, then take it out.
You should also consider two factors: your risk of getting an STI, such as HIV or hepatitis, is higher in periods. This risk can be reduced by using a condom. You might want to pop one on for contraceptive reasons as well: it’s unlikely you’ll get pregnant during period sex but not impossible.
YOU HAVE A HEADACHE
Personally, if it’s a bad one, I’d fall at the first fence. You don’t want sex when your head feels like 800 six-year olds have drum sets in it.
It has been shown that sex can relieve migraines and cluster headaches, provided it is not sexually explicit. It’s those endorphins again: they’re a natural pain reliever and orgasm triggers their release.
But there’s also research that suggests sex can make headaches even worse – or even trigger them.
I’m not guilting anyone into trying to dodge sex in this scenario, being a headache wimp, but if you did want to see if it helps relieve it…
Solution:Test to determine if it is possible for you to still have fun by only masturbating alone if your headaches are a frequent occurrence. If it seems too difficult, you can still do it in silence and in a darkened room.
You were able to make it work. Give it a go with your partner on the proviso that if it makes the headache worse, you’ll stop.
This isn’t the time for trying out that wacky Kama Sutra position that has you upside-down, stick to positions where you make the least effort and there’s little movement. You can try them from the side or on top.
Here is the one time you should just relax and remember England. While your partner provides orgasm, it’s up to you to enjoy. Orgasm is the best option if you don’t feel like you can rally, but for short periods of time.
YOU HAVE A FULL HOUSE OF GUESTS
Plenty of couples got creative while granny stayed in the spare room during lockdown, so it’s entirely possible to sneak in some hot sex sessions with a house full of guests this Christmas.
Just be creative.
Solution: Suggest afternoon naps: few people will say no to some quiet time when staying at someone else’s house. Have sex with your partner in the mornings while you wait for someone to take up that offer. The noise of the shower covers any moans and groans (though keep it simple, it’s slippery in there!).
If you have an office, tell everyone you don’t want to be disturbed and get your partner to bring in you in lunch. There’s just enough time for a quickie on the desk. You can even create a reason to have a Zoom call with your partner and keep them there for 30 minutes.
If you’re determined to do it in bed and the mattress creaks, put your pillows and duvet on the floor. If you find the floorboards even noisier than the mattress, opt for the 69er instead.
Make a game of having to be quiet: it’s erotic not being able to moan with pleasure just as you’re about to climax.
YOU’VE JUST HAD AN ARGUMENT
While some people require time to heal from an argument others may need it to get their sex on.
When we fight our bodies are flooded with hormones such as adrenaline or testosterone, which makes all senses more alert and heightened.
If it’s a particularly bad row, you’ll set off the ‘fight or flight’ response: a term that represents the choices cavemen had when faced with dangers. The cavemen had two options: fight or flee wild animals.
If you’re feeling hyped and jittery even after the argument is resolved: it’s not surprising your brain suggests sex as a means of getting some happy chemicals to flood your system and make you calm again.
Solution: If you’re diving into make-up sex to avoid a thorough discussion needed to solve the argument, don’t go there. But if you’re craving closeness and intimacy, frightened you’d lost each other, go right ahead.
If you’re both quite fond of make-up sex, you won’t need me to tell you to keep it primitive. Anger-fuelled sex is selfish sex – you take from each other rather than getting caught up in worrying if they’re enjoying it. This makes for better sex. This is why sex life with a temperate partner can be more fulfilling.
If you’re both feeling bruised and vulnerable, make it face-to-face so you can make soul-searching eye contact.
YOU’RE DRUNK
A few drinks can increase your adventurousness, but three to five could make it difficult for you to have orgasms and unreliable erections.
But even if we’re talking bottles not glasses, there is a way to make the most of the alcohol-induced lack of inhibition and deal with his inevitable wobbles.
Solution: Start the session by sharing some sexual fantasies or confessing something you’ve always wanted to do but were too scared to admit.
Let that take you wherever it leads you and if that’s intercourse and you feel him losing his erection, get into a position where he’s on top. He will be able to use gravity to his advantage, instead of letting the penis blood drain out. To trap blood inside the chambers, make him a penis-ring.
Instead of having a sexual intercourse with his penis, you can opt to have an intimate mutual oral sex session by placing a 69er side-by-side. Each of you rest your heads comfortably on each other’s thigh.
You’re tired
This is often up there with the ‘You’re too busy’ excuse. If you’re able to find the energy to call your friends or watch Netflix, it’s not valid.
Three children younger than three are considered eligible and you can get your sex on for at most one year. For the rest of you…
Solution:Keep your eyes wide open and increase the stimulation. You can stimulate both the mouth and the skin at the same time.
If you’re really knackered, give into sleepy spoons for intercourse but if you want to create energy, put yourself in the driving seat – literally – and jump on top.
As a 20 minute walk is more effective than a power nap for low energy, the same goes for active sleeping in bed.
You are looking for great gifts for your loved ones this Christmas? You’ll find budget and luxury ideas in Tracey’s two product ranges, Supersex and Edge. You can find them on traceycox.com and lovehoney.