If you have a problem, email Caroline at c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. Caroline is open to reading all letters, but she regrets that she can’t answer every one.
I’m devastated by their betrayal
Q One of my former friends is dating my ex-husband. I’m so upset. This feels so betrayed, particularly since she is well aware of how hard our marriage was. My ex is full of charm and charisma – and he was always fun to be with and very affectionate. But that’s the problem: his charm meant other women were always attracted to him. Although I was able to forgive him for the first, the second affair led me to ask for a divorce. He moved out just over a year ago and we’ve managed a reasonably amicable separation so far for the sake of our two teenage children, but now I just feel so betrayed. I would never have him back because I could never trust him again, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love him. I had a brief relationship but I haven’t met anyone else. I miss my ex’s sense of humour, his company and doing things with him and the children. Also, I miss the amazing sex. When I found out that my friend had been seeing him, it was devastating.
Like a punch to the stomach. I rang her to explain how hurt I was, but she just said that as I no longer wanted him she didn’t see that I had a right to control his life. I explained that she wouldn’t be able to trust him because he’s a serial womaniser, but she said that perhaps it was because he had been in the wrong relationship. I’m distraught and have been crying a lot. My other friends are appalled that she’s seeing him. How can I accept all of this?
Although I wouldn’t want him back, I love and miss him.
It’s so disappointing when someone we thought of as a good friend ends up being the complete opposite. She is not only riding roughshod over the feelings that you still have for your ex but also, by being blind to his faults, she is implying that you were not enough for your husband – while she is. This is not true, of course, but it’s not surprising you feel hurt. And if she comes crying to you after the relationship breaks up (which it will), don’t be the one to offer comfort. You may find that your ex-husband is subliminally punishing yourself for not being with him.
It is possible that he was trying to keep his marriage intact by being a bad person. However, feelings don’t just stop overnight and you’ll still miss all the bits that made you first fall in love with him. Keep a list of all the hurtful things that he’s done to you. Add in large letters: ‘Can I really still love someone who treated me this way?’ Whenever you miss him, look at the list and remind yourself of his flaws. You will be able to reduce his grip on you. Don’t be tempted to rush into other relationships just for physical contact – it will leave you feeling empty. Unfortunately, your former friend will now be involved in your children’s lives for the meantime, which they will find confusing and you will find painful. You should not criticize their father to them as they must maintain their relationship. To help you deal with your loss and betrayal, I recommend counseling.
He takes good care of his personal hygiene. big problem
Q My son’s marriage has broken up. He has two children but he can’t afford to rent, so he and the children stay with us a couple of nights a week and he spends the rest of the time with his new partner. He tells us it’s temporary as he needs to clear some debts before renting. He rarely washes his hair or showers. This is unacceptable to my husband and me (not his father). We have tried to say jokingly that he’s grubby, but he just laughs. Are we being oversensitive? Do we need to be more strict with him or is it just a matter of generation? His absence has been 14 years. We’re in our 60s.
Of course you don’t want to upset your son, but you also shouldn’t have to put up with this. I think that you can lay down the rules a little more firmly – but also with tact and kindness. If people feel low and depressed, they tend to neglect hygiene. This sounds like someone who has too much on his plate. So tell him calmly but firmly that while you both enjoy his company and want to help him get back on his feet, his body odour makes him unpleasant to be around – and that he needs to address this. It is not an ideal role model and it can affect the relationships he has with his family, friends, and coworkers. He must take a shower each day if they want to stay in your home. If he laughs, tell him those are the rules, and that his children are welcome, but he must stay elsewhere if he can’t stick to them. Your son may find it difficult being a single parent. Gingerbread.org.uk might be of help to him.