We are used to hearing about midlife parents welcoming their millennial kids back into their homes due to the high prices of houses and low wages.
Although it may seem like a good idea to bunk with mum or dad in your 20s or 30, what about in the 50s or 60s.
At an age when many have children, or even grandchildren, of their own, it may seem unthinkable — but thanks to divorce and the effect of coronavirus on the jobs market, an increasing number of ‘boomerang boomers’ are doing just that.
What’s it like to be back in your childhood bedroom at middle age? What does it do for your love life if you live with elderly parents?
Samantha Brick speaks with three over-50s who moved back home…
I’m in My Little Brother’s Old Bedroom
Elaine Coe (55), a learning support assistant, has a daughter, aged 28. She lives with Terry Woolton (80) and Pam Woolton (78) in Wickford, Essex. Elaine says:
My ex-husband was married to me for 34 years. We had had some problems, but I would confide in my parents each time.
Dad said, “You know, you are welcome to return here.”
By 2019, my marriage was at an end.
Elaine Coe (centre), moved back in with her parents Pam Woolton (right) in August 2019.
I was able to get a mortgage on a one bedroom flat in a very poor area if I took into account the income I had from the division of our assets.
I’d be working purely to pay the bills — so I told my parents I’d take up their offer.
I’m the middle kid. My older sister was a little nervous about it all. She asked me if it was a good idea.
She was worried for us all that it might not work out. However, financially, I didn’t have any other options.
I moved in August 2019 with Mum and Dad.
We hadn’t discussed whether it was temporary or permanent — they were just happy for me to be with them.
Mum and Dad have a four-bedroom semi-detached house. I am in the bedroom that used to belong to my little brother.
Although I could make it into two, it would take too much space.
It was strange to be in my brother’s room at first. My parents later made it a guest room.
It has mum’s crossstitch photos on the wall. I have moved other items, including lampshades, but I was uncomfortable asking her to take them out.
I had purchased furniture from my old home, which helped me settle down.
After years of living in my own home, it can be difficult adjusting to another person’s routine.
Their day runs like a clockwork. Coffee is always at 10am and 6pm.
I am a neat freak so I would have a designated cleaning day in my home.
I get irritated when Mum leaves things in the hallway or cups by her dishwasher. It’s her house.
It is also difficult not to have my own kitchen. The kitchen belongs to Mum!
I have to go to a gym to control my weight because there is always chocolate around.
I have had to adapt to their daily routines, such as having their main meal at lunch. Yes, I’m fortunate that Mum will often pass a plate to me, and she’s a great chef.
They do the shopping and I help with the food shop and bills.
Before I moved home, I was a healthy eater — but Dad loves chocolate, so there’s always some about.
I try to not drink mid-week. But, they open a wine bottle most lunchtimes. So, if I’ve had an exhausting day at work, I’ll grab a glass.
I have had to join the gym to maintain my weight!
Living with Mum or Dad is a great advantage. I can save money on rent and go out three nights a weeks.
When I return home in the evenings, my first reaction is to say hello and then go upstairs to do admin. I usually stay for dinner with my family, and then I return to the kitchen to eat.
I feel like a child when I’m at home, but not in a bad way. I feel like I’m being cared for.
I don’t have a love life, and I’m not interested. It’s not something that I would discuss with Mum and Dad as we’re very old-fashioned.
But I do miss my marital home. I did look into the property market during the first lockdown but I don’t think there is any way to get out of my current financial situation.
Sometimes I think this is my future.
Sometimes, I see myself staying until they are older and then slipping into a caring role.
Of course, if they’re still here, I’ll be in a position to repay their kindness.
Pam Says: Elaine’s Mum
Elaine moving in to our home was not going to be a problem because we are a close family. We get along well together in the day to-to.
Elaine cleans and washes her own rooms. At weekends, she likes to help with the Sunday roast — and her cooking isn’t bad.
I worry about her when I’m out with her, and I wonder when she’ll be back.
We had always said that we would love one of the children back at home.
Terry says Elaine was our baby and, even though Elaine is now in her 50s that responsibility doesn’t end.
Living with my Mum has stopped me from dating
Beverly Ezekiel (63), a foster agency placement officer, has three children, and four grandchildren. She lives with her mum Gloria Burns (85), in Buckhurst Hill, Essex. She says:
When I left my family home, I was 22 years old. I never imagined that I would find myself back under Mum’s roof.
My ex and I divorced in 2014. He agreed to pay the rent for my youngest daughter and me for one year.
He couldn’t pay my rent for ever.
We had a joint business, but we split up and I was able get a job at an office two days per week.
My daughter moved in with her boyfriend eventually, but my future was uncertain.
Bev Ezekiel (right), with Gloria Burns (left), moved in as a couple after Bev’s 2014 split.
It was my mum and brother who discussed what was coming to me. I was not good at having such a conversation!
I accepted Mum’s offer and moved in immediately.
Mum lives in a two-bedroom apartment, but the spare room was not set up as a bedroom.
It’s filled with fitted units, books, and craft items, and I was unable to move any of them.
I can’t change the décor either — Mum likes her things the way they are.
After carefully selecting what I could bring with me and what should go in storage, I was able to fit one bed into the room.
I moved in 2015 thinking it was temporary. Six years later, it’s still me!
From the first day, we just continued to do what we did. We have a common ‘can-do’ attitude and I don’t let anything get us down.
But I do have a problem when I think of my grandchildren. I would love to have them over for sleepovers, but that’s not possible.
The same goes for having friends over to dinner or girlie evenings in. There is simply not enough space.
Although I know Mum wouldn’t stop me, it’s not something that I feel comfortable doing.
Mum actually has a better social life that me. She loves shopping and drives. She loves bridge and is often out with friends.
There’s not enough space for dinners, sleepovers, or girlie night in (stock photo)
When she is home, Mum and I get along well together — which is good given that since March last year I’ve been working from my bedroom!
We share the cooking, I contribute to the bills, and we share the cost for the food. We watch TV together, and I’m up to speed on all her favourite soaps. (Yes, she watches all of them!)
I don’t have any love life, but at my age, I should be.
I did use dating websites, and my friends introduced me to men. However, we never got past the third date. I don’t feel like I can tell them that I won’t be back for coffee. I live with my mom. It bothers me.
I would love to own my home, but I don’t make enough money to afford rent and bills.
The past six-years have been extremely difficult. I don’t even know what I would do without Mum.
Mum Gloria Says
Beverly did not tell me about her living circumstances, but I could clearly see how she was struggling. Even so, I was certain that she would only be here for two to three months.
I lost my husband 15-years ago and was left alone in a large apartment. I decided to move to a smaller apartment. I wouldn’t have moved if I had known Beverly would be living with me.
We will have disagreements from time to time, but we both are the type of women who can say what we need and move on quickly. I hate it when she talks down about me when I’m at home.
I feel sorry for her. She should have her own place where she can entertain friends and family. It’s wrong that she is in this situation.
But I am more than happy to have Beverley live with me. It gives me security knowing that she’s not on her own.
My Three Kids and I All Decamped to Mum’s
Helen Churchill (56), is a mother of three and trustee for a bereavement charity.
She lives with her mum Wendy Dew 83, a retired receptionist, in St Albans, Herts. She says:
It was a shock to us when my husband, Iain, died in 2015 from a rare form lymphoma at the age of 49.
As a mother-of-three, it was obvious that I would eventually have to sell my family home to free equity. However, it was important for us to all deal with the grief in the home Ian had created.
So we stayed put for six more years. But I knew that we had to downsize if St Albans was to be our home.
Although the house was sold in February, it was not in my plans to move in with Mum, there was very little available on the market. I didn’t want to buy a “that will work” purchase.
It was only a month after Dad’s death that I sold up so Mum’s offer to come and live with us was great.
Helen Churchill, St Albans in Hertfordshire, has returned home with her mother Wendy Dew
I stopped looking the moment she suggested it, and the four of us — Harry is 25 and still lives at home, though he’s working, while Charlotte and Tom are at university — arrived a week after dad’s funeral.
It’s a 4-bedroom house, so Charlotte and I have our own rooms and the boys share.
It works somehow! We’ll still have cozy wine nights in, even though I’m out a lot of nights a week with friends and/or at classes.
We’re both very neat and have our own schedules. I’m very lucky I can treat Mum’s home as my own — but I’m mindful that it isn’t.
After raising three children, Mum doesn’t mind having them around. However, there have been times when she was taken by surprise by the boys cooking French fries at 2am.
Mum and Harry are late getting home so Mum and I stay up watching for him to come in.
Mum has a great social life. I’m left wondering if she’s late than she promised. It’s a strange reversal of roles.
There have been moments when I’ve wanted to be in our home — I really miss my own space, being able to play music loudly, and, weirdly, I miss my own saucepans.
Even though it is working out, I am putting in an offer for a house. It feels right to move on. I can’t remain in the nest forever.
Mum Wendy Says
My two other children laughed at Helen’s inability to find anything else and suggested she might move in with me.
I could see I had to say it to Helen before she needed to ask — and I’m glad I offered.
My husband died in January. However, he had lived in a home for two decades before me and I was accustomed to living on our own.
When the four of them arrived, I was surprised at how much stuff they had and how big everything was — especially those televisions!
With three of us living together, life has changed drastically. Yet, we continue to live happily.
My routine is the same as it was before. My grandchildren are very aware of me!
While I’ll be happy for them to go and get my home in order, there will still be a little bit of a gap when they leave.
I will, however, be very happy to have my washing machine & kitchen back!