At the risk of sounding sexist, six years ago I was one of the most fascinating women in England.
Strangers began to stop me on the streets, or at cafes, asking for selfies and wanting to talk to me.
Maitre d’s at top restaurants, even the woman across the road who never invited me to her parties; suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend.
It was a good thing, I admit.
But what did I do to deserve this unduerated attention?
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How did I become an overnight sensation in my field?
The answer was not in the stars, but in my feet, in the form a smooth-coated, cappuccino-coloured dog with 2 inches of height, large ears, and eyes that could melt ice pools.
In short, I had become the proud owner of a miniature dachshund — the hottest dog in the world.
They have their own couturiers and specialist hotels that only allow sausage dogs. There are also dachshund discos that serve puppicino cocktails and masseurs who can stroke their bellies. Pedicurists who are skilled in caring for their delicate little feet.
Cool customer: Sadie Frost enjoying her pet pooch with her
Miss Darcy Bustle is yet to use any of these services but she believes in the possibility. In the meantime, she has her own Instagram account, almost mandatory.
This dog breed is the perfect animal for social media and the homes of the famous and wealthy.
These adorable creatures have won the hearts of A-listers and their loyal followers, including Nicole Kidman, Dita Von Teese, and Cressida Bonneas.
The dachshund is now the most beloved dog of all, replacing the once popular pugs and whippets.
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Enter #dachshund into the search box and you will get 17 million results. Darcy’s paltry numbers pale alongside Crusoe_dachshund, a handsome beast who boasts almost a million followers with a real job as an ambassador for dog ramps — little devices that you put alongside your sofa or bed so the teeny love of your life can get to you whenever they feel like it.
This is the case most of time. Because dachshunds assume that a human is seated down.
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That’s not to say that they are needy or weedy, not at all, they have no concept of their small size and are fearless, intrepid, souls.
Ralph, a mini-man from Leeds, raced up Snowdon in just a few hours last month to the amazement of the hardened climbers.
He was celebrating his 2nd Birthday.
Bosco, a dark-haired man, is now a TikTok superstar. His videos of him dragging sticks fivefold the width of his body around a local park are regularly viewed by more than 33,000,000 people.
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Alec Baldwin’s daughter Ireland giving her sausage a pick-me-up
That’s more than a Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special in its heyday.
So what’s their appeal?
They love to be proud and have an irresistible snooty side. Darcy barely does pavements given the choice, and never when it’s raining.
Queen Victoria adored their regal appeal, once commenting: ‘Nothing will turn a man’s home into a castle more quickly and effectively than a dachshund.’
They can also be very inspirational.
One of Andy Warhol’s greatest muses was his tan dachshund, Archie.
They were inseparable, and often made an appearance hand in hand at Studio 54.
Game of Bones: Thrones star Emilia Clarke accompanied by a hungry hound
David Hockney, our greatest living artist, is here
He was so fascinated by his beloved Stanley and Boodgie that he set up several easels around the California home in the 1990s to capture them in different natural poses.
This is Instagraming at a much more stylish level.
The result was 45 paintings, which were then turned into a large-scale exhibition called Dog Days. There is also a book of that title that is still a best-seller.
They are easy to please and as Hockney once pointed out, they aren’t fussy eaters. ‘They’ll eat anything I eat and I’ll eat anything, me,’ he once said.
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They have great ‘take anywhere’ appeal and are allowed in places usually banned to ‘other’ dogs. They make great cupids.
Darcy, Darcy, and I were walking past a local cafeteria that was crowded with people eating lunch in the sun last month. A young woman stopped me and squealed. ‘OMG’. I love those dogs’.
She then told me how she’d always wanted one and how she was following India Hicks, the designer, on Insta, and Stretch, her dog.
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How India had to balance her wedding planning with caring for her adorable puppy.
At which point, her young man knelt down and said: ‘If I get you one, will you marry me?’
Needless to add, there was much more squealing. The answer was a resounding YES.
They have promised to let the public know when and where Miss Darcy Bustle will be attending as a guest of honor.
We can’t wait, although as Darcy would want to point out, it’s dachshunds, not diamonds, that are a girl’s best friend.
Picture research by CLAIRE CISOTTI