Boris the clown greenwashed his success at COP26 in terms of Match of the Day on the day when two of the most powerful footballers in the world were charged with fraud.

Boris was trying to make a thrashing into something promising, so I half expected Gary Lineker with a bag of ecofriendly potato chips.

The serious issue isn’t being ignored. Climate change is a potential disaster that must be avoided. 

The world’s leaders met in Glasgow to discuss how to slow global warming to 1.5 degrees centigrade.

In Glasgow the world's leaders (pictured: Boris Johnson) gathered to try and agree a way forward, debating how to bring about changes that will slow global warming to 1.5C

The world’s top leaders (pictured by Boris Johnson), met in Glasgow to discuss ways to move forward and to agree on a path. They also discussed how to slow down global warming to 1.5C.

Attendees included miscellaneous royalty (from the plucky British team of Charles, Camilla, Kate and William to Prince Albert of Monaco – yes the guy who turns his entire mini-kingdom into a race-track surrounded by superyachts), saint-like environmentalists like David Attenborough, celebrity eco activists like actor Leonardo DiCaprio, flashy billionaires like Amazon’s Jeff Bezos (with his dumb remarks about realising the scale of the problem only once he had been catapulted into space on the gas-guzzling trip in his own rocket) and heads of state with their hundreds of hangers on – apart from the biggest polluters, Russia and China, who didn’t even show up.

Let’s not forget the 40,000 delegates from 200 countries who will be responsible to hammer out the details of any agreements that were made, so that countries can be held accountable in the months ahead.

Outside, the proceedings were lively by Greta Thunberg’s young protestor army. Her pithy blah-blah-blah putdown summarising the hot air generated in Washington by a bunch pompous politicians and who must’ve been taught by some friendly Glaswegian how “you can shove the climate crisis up your arse” was a good example of how to sing.

Yes, there was a lot of blah blah blah when the big names weren’t nodding off – although even sleepy Joe Biden seemed star-struck to find himself in the presence of real royalty – grabbing Prince Charles by the elbow and gushing enviro-praise like a ageing fan meeting Barry Manilow or any relative of Judy Garland.

Despite the hypocrisy of some and the self-regarding egos, COP 26 was a serious attempt at changing the way the world does business and lives every day to slow down the floods, famine, and devastation that will occur if temperatures continue to rise at their current rate.

The whole event could have been hosted on Zoom. However, by attending in person, even if by private jets, the powerful and the privileged could enjoy each other’s attention and make an effort to find areas for agreement.

Boris, the clown, seemed to see this as another opportunity to preen in front cameras and perform a circus turn instead of settling down to serious negotiations. 

His closing press conference brought proceedings down to the level of a halftime motivational speech at a second division football match.

It wouldn’t have been out of place in Craven Cottage, where it would have been just as appropriate. I spent my teenage years yelling encouragement at Fulham as they fell down the league tables.

When the two powerful men in football were charged with fraud, was it a great idea for Boris to greenwash his COP26 'success' in Match of the Day terms?, asks Janet Street-Porter (pictured)

Janet Street Porter (pictured) asks Janet Street Porter: When two football greats were charged with fraud, was it a good idea for Boris greenwashing his COP26 success’ in Match of the Day terms.

Boris channeled Don Revie, Alex Ferguson (or Roy of the Rovers), and he wiggled hopelessly about starting conference 5-1 down at half-time in the fight to save the planet.

The football analogy had been started at the G20 in Rome last weekend, and now he exuberantly declared: ‘After two consecutive days of talks, we have pulled back one goal or perhaps two. And I believe that we will be able to take it to extra time. 

He said, “I think it is team game,” to make sure the climate experts understood his point of view.

Boris had set his goals for COP26 as cars, coal and cash. What was his final score?

The pledges include reducing methane emission by three times by 2030. Stopping the destruction of 85 percent world’s forests. 

Clean technology funding by 2030, making solar panels and batteries more affordable and cheaper. And so on.

Are we 5-2 ahead, 3-2 down, or struggling in extra-time? No matter how you look at it football as a way to explain complex environmental issues is not only sexist, but it’s also completely pointless.

Why does the Prime Minster feel the need to address his team (sorry, voters), as if we are all simpletons who can’t handle technical detail and the plain truth.

Is there anyone who doesn’t get the message about climate change? Actually, the public is more on point than our leaders. 

According to the Office for National Statistics 60% of 55-64-year-olds say that they avoid throwing away food. 

Our commitment to recycling is evident in polls (even though Boris claimed it was a wasteful time for school children). 

Half to two thirds of us avoid single-use plastics, while half of us over 55 buy locally. A third of those surveyed say they are trying less meat.

Boris’s James Bond fantasies regarding ‘cutting and defusing the bomb’ are a blatant example of his lack of detail. In the hopes that it will make the headlines, Boris chooses the catchy refrain so that the details are not forgotten.

COP26 was a photo opportunity with Boris love-bombing everyone and making sure it was caught on camera. 

The one person who seemed to regard this event as a chance to preen himself in front of the cameras rather than knuckle down to serious negotiations was Boris the clown

Boris, the clown, seemed to view this event more as a chance for him to preen in front of the cameras than to engage in serious negotiations.

One minute of conversation with the Royals, then apologising for her mistake and banging heads with an Israeli diplomat (who was denied entry because she is in a wheelchair and there weren’t ramps). 

Narendra Modi, the Prime Minster of India, is being led by the hand, as if a clapped out football player looking for a slice.

Boris worked tirelessly throughout COP26 with a clear plan and must have believed that the football gags would be a huge success.

It is a bit unfortunate that Sepp Blatter, the disgraced former boss and boss of Fifa, and Michel Platini, the former boss of Eufa, were both told that they will be tried in Switzerland for fraud and forgery. 

The charges follow a six-year investigation into a £1.6 million payment made to Platini, authorised by Blatter in 2011, at a time when Blatter was campaigning for re-election.

Blatter is facing other charges relating to a payment of £735,000 which FIFA made to Trinidad and Tobago in 2010.

Football has been shown corrupt at its highest levels.

Boris treats voters like a group of toddlers or teenage strikers. He’s most happy when he chats with school children and uses them as window dressing to unveil another ‘initiative. 

The Downing Street media team frequently summons victims and takes them to Downing Street to make cute circles around our self-regarding Prime Minster. Or, on his regular school visits, he orders teachers to give him pieces of paper to make origami swans.

Imagine if women spoke out on green issues and the economy, such as knitting, baking, and the menopause. When there is no other way to communicate, men rely on football chat.

It’s what taxibies do 24×7. It reminds me of the 1950s, when the house was quiet waiting for the Pools results every weekend at 5pm.

Gary, life may be a game between two halves. Boris may not be able to tell you how much extra time this planet has.