Television for dogs? Do they bark? Okay, they are barking. 

Badger, our Border terrier who is a bad-behaved Border dog, seemed to be equally disinterested when I asked him.

For a mere £6.99 a month, DogTV claims it will stimulate bored and lonely pets with specially focused content, the result of three years of scientific research. 

Programs that teach dogs relaxation, education about pets, and entertainment. 

What is entertainment for dogs who love to sniff, pee and bark? Is there any stand-up comedian?You can find it here.

DogTV uses special camera angles (low-down), colours, and sounds that dogs can relate to. 

For a mere £6.99 a month, DogTV (pictured) claims it will stimulate bored and lonely pets with specially focused content, the result of three years of scientific research

For a mere £6.99 a month, DogTV (pictured) claims it will stimulate bored and lonely pets with specially focused content, the result of three years of scientific research

Is that 12 hours with the doorbell ringing, and the neighbor’s car coming up? All in the unappetizing beige color of canned dog food (joking). 

Which colour is the most dog-friendly? Badger’s behavior is bizarre when he encounters black-and-white cows. However, we have not been able get him to tell us why.

You can watch videos that last four hours, but very little. It is meant to entertain you and your dog when you are away. 

Dog Chef creates designer dog food, including pumpkin muffins! Dog TV isn’t for dogs who eat leftovers or chips.

Although it may sound pretentious at first, DogTV might have a large audience. It has been popularized in the USA for years.

What is dog-friendly colour? Badger (pictured) goes bonkers every time he sees a black and white cow, but we've never managed to get him to explain why

Is there a dog-friendly color? Badger (pictured), goes insane every time he spots a cow in black and white. We have never been able to get him to tell us why.

It is estimated that there are over 12.5million dogs in Britain, which is an unprecedented number. Since Covid was born, we have bought more than 3.5 million. One third of all new owners are Millenials between the ages of 24 and 35. And a third think it is like having a child.

While it might not seem so, the new owners of their pet dogs treat them like special friends. The owners talk with their dogs as though they speak the English language and not like an annoying bossy voice.

Many of these new sensitive parents even compliment their dogs for going potty! 

Badger is a constant target of my rantings, as he leaves his trash in the middle the road or pavement. I never see it from the sidelines or in the gutter. The new owners also seem to be overly concerned about their pet’s mental and physical health.

I consulted our pet, Badger (pictured) the badly-behaved Border terrier, but he seemed equally unimpressed. The people behind DogTV have realised there's huge potential to raid our bank accounts as spending on pets has soared to £8 billion in 2021, doubling over the past decade

Badger (pictured), our Border Terrier, seemed unimpressed when I went to consult him. The people behind DogTV have realised there’s huge potential to raid our bank accounts as spending on pets has soared to £8 billion in 2021, doubling over the past decade

Yesterday I was able to see two young women in trendy bobble caps and coffee cups conversing about designer pooch designs. 

One (describing her chubby French bulldog) was bleating ‘I’m so worried, I think she’s stressed out with a phantom pregnancy…I must change her diet and eliminate gluten’… pass the sick bag.

The people behind DogTV have realised there’s huge potential to raid our bank accounts as spending on pets has soared to £8 billion in 2021, doubling over the past decade.

The pet parents are now anxious and spend a lot of money on silly scarves, funny coats and delicious vegan meals to pamper their four-legged children. Their offspring were conceived naturally without any need for them to date, swipe, or have sex. 

Their mutts are already being filmed, so they sign up to a channel specifically tailored for their children’s needs.

The bold idea is admirable as a TV producer. A television channel that targets a single audience, which cannot talk, respond to research questionaires or comment on the programs, nor can they make meaningful contributions. DogTV is a network that helps people find the right schedule.

JANET STREET-PORTER: My dog (Badger the unruly Border terrier) has simple viewing tastes - he watches me while I watch telly

JANNET STREETPORTER: This is my Border terrier, Badger. He looks at me and watches the telly.

More importantly, how can DogTV (subscriptions cost £6.99 a month) capture the attention of mutts who spend their days sniffing every blade of grass and fence post, rarely raising their eyes from the floor unless offered a snack shaped like fake bacon?

Badger, my Border Terrier dog and unruly Border Terrier mix, has very simple viewing habits. He watches me as I am watching television. 

At the end of an exhausting day I fall into a comfortable seat and reach for the remote to start watching yet another detective drama. A serial killer kills three people in just two hours, and Badger gets the blame. Badger hates that he isn’t the center of attention. 

Standing between me an the screen, his constant stare fixes him on me. He emits silent farts at frequent intervals that, if they have eaten tinned barley and tripe (his favorite), can smell disgusting.

His rear ends are the only ones interested in what’s on the screen. He makes me feel so irritable by making mewling low levels, which is so annoying that he may be permitted outside in total darkness to bark at stars and birds as well as planes.

Badger may show some interest in dogs when they appear, but not much more. They don’t give food to these TV dogs. He can sometimes get a little excited when I’m on Loose Women. He soon turns to looking forcrumbs.

Badger may growl if someone is dressed up as Vera or Endeavour’s postman, but he will not be interested in the plot or characterisation.

He fell asleep during the Crown.

I tried to engage him with DogTV’s doggy dramas, one of which follows a dog on a skateboard….and another tracking a mutt on a surfboard. Badger was much more interested than a dead fly.

Our pets have become our friends and companions since we were locked down. Even when their answers aren’t forthcoming, they’re still there to help us. Covid restricted our friends circle, which made it more difficult for us to build a relationship with them. 

The dog became our way of coping. Dogs are independent of their partners and can be trusted to provide a reliable, loving companion. 

It is important to keep them on track, preparing the meals in the exact same order every day. We also need to walk slowly so that they can smell and cock their legs every other foot. Finally, let them sleep on the beds.

We have been able to laugh with our dogs and stay calm. We are reluctant to return to work, even for a few days per week. There has been a 35% increase in dogs available for adoption. Pet owners struggle to balance their work life with caring for pets. 

DogTV will DogTV be able to soothe animals left at home during the working day? It sounds very cruel, and according to the RSPCA, 80 percent of dogs who are alone suffer from separation anxiety.

Being a parent to a dog makes me kinder. The other Saturday, I was in the grocery store buying a card that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY. It’s true, my pet parents are now. Badger was 8 years old, so I made a card and wrapped a slice of bacon for him. It was a hit with him!

DogTV appeals to dogs is something I am skeptical about. DogTV will be advertising for luxury dog beds, luxurious meals, and high-end clothing. This is what pet-owners are going to do to alleviate the guilt that we experience as we close the door to go back to work.

Will they demand more if we indulge our pets with excessive consumption? Badger might be willing to give up canned tuna and eat the delicious homecooked meals that DogTV showed him. Already, I see Gordon Ramsay or Gino making a variety of delicious meals for their discerning pet.

Next? The next step? TV for Budgerigars. Docudramas about goldfish It’s hard to imagine anything better than another serial killer at 9pm.