Recall that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We can’t forget! This self-help guide was published for the first time in 1992. It has sold more than 50,000,000 copies worldwide.
Author John Gray was brutally honest about what he saw as an essential truth; that men and women are so humongously different in every way — psychologically and emotionally, rationally and irrationally — that they might as well come from different planets.
The groundbreaking book was revolutionary at the time, arguing that couples could get the magic back in long-term relationships — but only if they understood that their partner talked and behaved as if he or she was from a galaxy far, far away.
Gray created the Venus Talk to help overcome this gap. This involves the woman talking to Gray for at most ten minutes about her feelings. You can’t imagine.
John Gray brutally reveals what he considers an essential truth: that men and women are vastly different in all aspects
Also, there is the Point Scoring system. This gives the man points for things like hugs, dishwashing, and using the toilet.
Meanwhile, the woman gets her points for somehow managing not to say ‘I told you so’ when the man makes a mistake. And also for understanding that every man needs time alone in his man ‘cave’, perhaps to watch sports or whatever it is they do in there.
Another strategy, especially important at this time of year, found women trying their best not to come down with what Gray calls Resentment Flu; an all-consuming sickness, imaginary or otherwise, that befalls females when they feel they’re the only one doing all the chores and holding the household together.
Does it seem too Venusian for me to suggest they may be because they are? Yes, John Gray would say, because ‘men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished’.
The book, the strategies, the mindset that humans are little more than misguided puppies who could be house-trained in more supportive ways, may have been a bit bonkers — certainly, the critics called it sexist and patronising — but the public could not get enough of the plain-speaking homilies and interplanetary advice, even if it was dished out by a man whose first marriage only lasted two years.
Gray says he knows how men’s minds work and credits his second wife, Bonnie, with helping him understand women’s minds
Gray’s self-help success story, Men Are From Mars, catapulted him to superstardom. American author Gray became a multimillionaire, and was an Oprah regular 18 times.
Audiotapes, Mars/Venus seminars and the best-selling video were all available. There were even themed couples’ breaks, a television sitcom and an off-Broadway show.
It is remarkable that three decades have passed between Men Are From Mars’s first appearance in bookshops. However, are the book’s sage observations about the sexes still applicable today?
‘Not to be needed is a slow death for a man,’ he wrote solemnly back in 1992. Today’s woman might be rather more interested in detailing exactly what she needs from him before he withers away on his vine of self-pity.
In the decades that have passed, surely both sexes have seen significant changes in their careers, families and personal goals.
‘Yes, the world has changed dramatically, with significant implications for our relationships,’ says Gray. ‘But just because women today work side by side with men, and men participate more in raising their children, it doesn’t mean men and women are the same.’
He feels that his original rules are still applicable.
‘Men are still from Mars and women are still from Venus, and both sides still make the mistake of expecting their partners to feel, communicate and behave the way they do, and they feel disappointed when that doesn’t happen,’ he says.
We are speaking over Zoom from Gray’s home in northern California, where he lives on a three-acre spread on top of a mountain, a 15-minute drive from San Francisco. The smartly dressed man is wearing a light jacket and flannel shirt as he sits behind his computer. According to him, his office was built into a side hill, sounding like the perfect man cave.
A wall with books bearing his names is behind him. There’s the original one, of course, and then the exhausting litany of follow-ups, such as Mars And Venus In Love, Mars And Venus In The Workplace, Mars And Venus: 365 Ways To Keep Passion Alive and, yes, even The Mars And Venus Diet & Exercise Solution. ‘Without a nutritious diet,’ he says on page 102, ‘we don’t have the fuel to make more endorphins.’
Gray was 70 years old this week, becoming endorphin rich and simply the richest person he knows. Gray celebrated his birthday alongside his girlfriend, his daughters from two previous marriages and four grandchildren.
But he’s not your typical septuagenarian grandpa who is happy to sit in his armchair and slip on his slippers. ‘I feel fantastic,’ he hoots. ‘I make love with my partner like I’m a 35-year-old. I feel youthful and energetic and happy.’
According to him, this is possible by fasting or meditating up to six hours per day.
He hasn’t gone public yet with his new love. ‘The woman I’m with now is someone who teaches about relationships and who has been greatly influenced by my work,’ he says rather grandiosely. ‘We have hundreds of coaches around the world and she’s one of the most successful ones.’
Men and women are freer than ever before to go beyond the stereotypes of their parents’ generation, with more women becoming breadwinners and men helping out in the home.
Gray says that no matter who the lucky lady may be, she seems to have the right mindset and ability to accept the harmony Gray suggests is the key to any successful relationship. According to Gray, neither party should be able to fulfill their own needs at any cost. That way, ‘we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment and conflict’.
What is the secret to his success in self-help? He had two events in his childhood that led to him becoming a relationship counselor and then to discovering the Mars/Venus concept.
Aged 17, Gray attended a seminar where he met transcendental meditation founder Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, famously one of The Beatles’ gurus who had encouraged the Fab Four to tune in and drop out in the 1960s.
Gray became a monk and was celibate for nine years, travelling around the world as the Maharishi’s executive assistant. ‘He [the Maharishi]A line up of VIPs would be interested in meeting him. He would ask them questions and then summarise their answers. It became a skill that I used later as a counsellor.’
He discovered women in California ten years later.
‘I’d say, “I haven’t had sex for nine years, but I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. I really just want to explore intimacy and understand women and what makes them happy.” ’
This strategy was a success! ‘It was! The first women I made love with, we stayed in bed for three days,’ he says. ‘But it was sincere. It led to my first workshops where the theme was making it safe for women — and men — to talk about what makes sex great for them.’
Barbara De Angelis (a relationship counselor) was his wife. After her marriage, she went on to have a very successful career as an author and has books such as “What Women Want Men To Learn”. He left her for another man, and the couple divorced just as their workshops were flourishing in 1984. Clearly not a good look for Gray’s burgeoning career as a relationship therapist — but he was nothing if not adaptable.
‘It was traumatic, but I shifted gears and developed a seminar called Healing The Heart because I learned to heal my own heart after it was broken and she found someone else,’ he says.
His second wife Bonnie was his bride and he became her stepfather. Lauren, their daughter was born to them.
More trauma followed. While he and Bonnie were on their honeymoon, Gray’s father died after giving a lift to a hitchhiker who robbed him and locked him in the trunk of his own car. Heat asphyxiation caused the death of the elderly man. Gray was devastated, of course, but managed to wring something positive from his father’s death.
Women are more likely to relate to Mars tendencies as they assume the traditional male roles, while men take on Venus tendencies.
‘I wanted to experience what he went through, so I got into the trunk of the car where he died. I felt the dents where he’d kicked the side of the car. I saw where he’d used a screwdriver to unscrew one of the rear car lights for air and I pulled it back a little bit more.
‘My family was outside, standing by, and my brother suggested I then try to put my arm though where the light had been and push the button [which opened the boot]And I did.
‘Dad could have opened the hood of the car, but he was looking to get out and wasn’t thinking about how to get in.
‘It was a life lesson — that when things aren’t working, look at something from the opposite point of view. That became a major part of the birth of Mars/Venus.’
He and his second spouse were attending an astrology class when another eureka moment occurred.
‘One of the things you do in an astrology class is pretend you’re a planet, so Bonnie picked Venus, named after the Roman god of love and beauty, and I picked Mars, the warrior and protector.
‘I’d been looking for a way to talk about gender differences in my seminars without people becoming upset. People liked my ideas, but they’d get mad at me for saying men and women are different — they’d say you can’t make generalisations.’
Gray claims that ET (1982), about a shy alien was very popular. One night, he said to women that his husbands were ET from another planet with different needs, speaking different languages, and that he had told them that.
‘One woman called out, “What planet’s my husband from?” I said, “Mars.” Everyone cracked up. It gave me goosebumps. I knew I had it.’
He couldn’t have known the book, which he wrote in three months, would become such a success. ‘It was gratifying because it wasn’t just women who read it and said it changed their lives, it was men, too,’ says Gray.
In today’s modern world, relationship dynamics have shifted, but many of the Mars/Venus insights are still relevant, he claims.
Men and women are freer than ever before to go beyond the stereotypes of their parents’ generation, with more women becoming breadwinners and men helping out in the home.
More women are taking on traditional male roles, and they have more Mars-like tendencies than men. This isn’t a bad thing, Gray insists, as long as there is balance.
‘Women who work have a hard time shifting back to feeling feminine when they get home, and complain they’re stressed, exhausted, depressed or can’t relax and enjoy their lives,’ he says. ‘It’s important for them to express their female side at home — it actually lowers stress levels.’
It can turn off women if men are indecisive and needy.
‘One of the big reasons couples lose the passion is that they are missing the insights and skills to find this balance of male and female qualities within themselves.
‘If a man is suppressing his masculine side or a woman is suppressing her female side, it creates boredom or restlessness. She becomes too emotional or soft, and he becomes too detached. He sinks into passivity, and she becomes overwhelmed, feeling she has too much to do.’
Gray says he knows how men’s minds work and credits his second wife, Bonnie, with helping him understand women’s minds. A story he tells about how he won the battle to turn off lighting at his home.
‘My house is half the distance of a football field and as I walk through a lot of rooms, I tend not to turn off the lights.
‘In the beginning, it wasn’t a big deal and Bonnie would turn out the lights. Then she’d complain and say, “John, you leave the lights on! You have to turn them off.”
‘Sometimes I’d remember and sometimes I wouldn’t and over the course of about five years, it became a thing.
In today’s modern world, relationship dynamics have shifted, but many of the Mars/Venus insights are still relevant, Mr Gray claims.
‘I’m thinking that my wife is criticising me for something that’s silly. Our electric bill will be more expensive, but it’s possible to afford it. But you can’t use logic in a situation like that.
‘In my wife’s brain, she was asking for something that meant a lot to her and because I wasn’t doing it, it upset her and made her feel like I didn’t love her.
‘Then she found a way to ask for what she wanted. One day, she poked her head into the kitchen and said, with a smile on her face, “John, I’ve noticed you’re turning the lights out. You’re still forgetting, but I love that you’re trying.” She did that three times, and after that I always turned the lights off because I wanted to put that smile on her face.’
He died at the age 68 in 2018. Their marriage lasted 32 years. ‘She had a diagnosis of ovarian cancer and nine months later, she was dead,’ he says.
‘I cried and wailed and couldn’t sleep for a year, but I’ve written books on healing, and I healed myself. I have pictures of her everywhere, but I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel guilt, I don’t feel sad. She’s in my heart.’
Gray is now teaching courses alongside his daughter Lauren. The pair answer questions together from women and men still baffled and confused by the vagaries of the opposite sex.
Gray is aware that not everyone will agree with his opinion, but Gray believes that understanding the aliens you live with can help people relax and cease trying to change or resist them.
‘I’m politically incorrect,’ admits Gray, ‘but I save marriages every day.’