Wednesday, October 20

It’s been 20 months since I was last in the US and, flying in to LA today, I felt that same flush of excitement I felt when I first flew here in 2006 to be a judge on America’s Got Talent.

I don’t care who you are – when that Hollywood sign looms into view, your heart skips a beat. But my misty-eyed sentiment didn’t last long.

Tonight, as I ate at Via Alloro, my favourite local Italian in Beverly Hills, a waiter revealed that last night there was a shoot-out in the street just feet from our table, when armed robbers tried to steal a diner’s Lamborghini SUV.

‘Surviving quakes is like sex,’ American Idol host Ryan Seacrest (above) told me (Piers Morgan ‘The first time is terrifying, but it gets easier the more you practise.’

‘Surviving quakes is like sex,’ American Idol host Ryan Seacrest (above) told me (Piers Morgan ‘The first time is terrifying, but it gets easier the more you practise.’

Just a few months ago, a woman was shot in crossfire at another Italian restaurant named Il Pastaio in the same street, when a gang stole a jeweller’s $500,000 watch from him as he sat at a neighbouring table.

Beverly Hills was never the place for this kind of thing.

The George Floyd protests and the Covid pandemic have pushed gun crime and ownership skyrocketing among an American populace already overloaded with firearms.

As a result, nowhere feels ‘safe’ any more.

Sunday, October 24,

Guns aren’t the only health hazard you have to worry about in LA.

‘Ever experienced an earthquake out here?’ my youngest son Bertie, 20, asked me last night. 

I told him I’d endured numerous quakes of differing sizes over the 15 years I’ve spent living on and off in LA, including a biggish one (4.7 on the Richter scale) in 2009 that threw me off my bed.

(‘Surviving quakes is like sex,’ American Idol host Ryan Seacrest told me afterwards. ‘The first time is terrifying, but it gets easier the more you practise.’)

‘Wow, that sounds scary!’ Bertie exclaimed. ‘Hope it doesn’t happen to me.’

Today at 7am, LA felt a powerful 3.9 earthquake.

Bertie did not wake up from it.

Monday, November 1.

I’ve flown on to New York, which like LA feels more anxiety-ridden than normal.

This is hardly surprising when you consider the US murder rate soared by 30 per cent last year, the largest rise in a century, and New York’s by a staggering 47 per cent.

It is true that more people are dying from gun violence in Big Apple than Covid. 

New Yorkers now wear masks, even though most people don’t, as everyone must when they enter public spaces like restaurants or shops. They are as afraid of getting shot as they are about contracting the virus.

Thursday, November 4,

On a positive note, all my favourite New York restaurants are back open, including Marea (Jay-Z was there the night before me, apparently guzzling caviar at $365 a portion) and Ralph Lauren’s Polo Bar, but I still can’t taste wine or most food due to the 16-week-long Covid that’s destroyed my senses – I can’t smell anything at all – and zombified my energy levels.

Doctors have no idea why some people get it, or how long it lasts, but I can attest that it’s very boring both for the sufferers and those forced to suffer us banging on about it.

My favourite joke used to be ‘What’s the definition of a crashing bore? Someone who when you ask them how they are, actually tells you…’

I’m now that guy.

So, whatever you do, don’t ask me how I am.

Sunday, November 7, 2007

Katherine Jenkins and her friends ate dinner. She reacted horribly to my appearance by recoiling as though I was Hannibal Lecter. ‘DON’T TOUCH ME!’ she barked, as I moved in for our customary hello hug.

It turned out she’s on high Covid alert due to her upcoming UK tour.

Like all UK musical performers, Katherine can’t get Covid insurance for the shows, so it could be incredibly costly if she gets the virus and has to cancel them. 

Dinner with friends including Katherine Jenkins (above), who reacted to Piers Morgan's arrival by recoiling in horror as if he were Hannibal Lecter

Dinner with Katherine Jenkins and her friends (above). Katherine recoiled in horror at Piers Morgan’s appearance, as though he was Hannibal Lecter.

She’s even being driven to and from her home to every venue rather than staying in hotels, to keep her ‘bubble’ as small as possible.

‘No offence, Piers,’ Katherine explained, ‘but I’ll only let you touch me if we’re both wearing Hazmat suits.

‘And to be honest, I may extend that rule specifically to you after the pandemic.’

Monday N8. November

I’m staying at The Carlyle, which is so elite that Princess Diana once shared one of its lifts with Michael Jackson and Steve Jobs.

Last night, as I was having a pre-dinner spicy tomato juice at the hotel’s legendary Bemelmans Bar – where Diana’s son Prince Harry was recently seen drinking – an American woman approached me and asked: ‘Are you Piers Morgan?’

‘Guilty,’ I replied.

‘DAMMIT,’ she cried, ‘that’s cost me $1 million. I bet my friend it wasn’t you. The only way she might let me off is if you go over and say hello.’

That’s what I did. The winner agreed to not collect. Next, a younger lady introduced herself to her left.

‘You knew my father. I’m Harvey Weinstein’s daughter Remy.’

‘I can’t even imagine what your life’s been like these past few years,’ I replied.

‘Difficult,’ she smiled.

‘Do you have any contact with your dad?’


She was very kind and affable, but also seemed broken and frail.

It was so hard to feel sorry for her.

Weinstein had many female victims.

Remy and her siblings are included.

Tuesday, NNovember 9,

This morning I was positively full of joy when I arrived in London.

However, that warm feeling quickly vanished when I saw the final episode of Spitting Image.

It featured my grotesquely disfigured puppet haranguing tennis superstar Emma Raducanu for her lack of mental strength (I actually think she has bucketloads of it) and ended with the Queen blowing my brains out with a gun on live television, explaining: ‘I did it for our country’s mental health, you bloody f***wit.’

Ah, it’s great to be home!