Styling: Nicola Rose. Caroline Barnes, Frank Agency. Makeup Alex Szabo, Carol Hayes
‘Rosie, I think it’s pretty obvious you have a type,’ said my cousin last week when I was telling him all about the new(ish) boyfriend and his type A personality.
I protested. ‘Well,’ he countered, ‘you wouldn’t like him if he wasn’t alpha.’ That got me thinking – and I came to the conclusion that (annoyingly) he was right. Even though I found myself single suddenly in my late 40s and was free to choose the opposite, I realized there were some physical and character similarities between them.
An attitude of go-hard-or–go-home, unshakeable assertiveness, the firm conviction that food is incomplete without meat and generous thigh circumference.
The perfect chance to make a change was when I joined the man shop, also known as online dating. My searches could have been filtered to find someone different to my ex-husband. Maybe I should have done because, let’s face it, ‘alpha’ didn’t exactly work out brilliantly for me the first time around.
Physically I could swap front row at fashion shows for the rugby field. My preference for rockstar could have been replaced by my desire to be rugged. For a slim body and poetic looks with flowing hair, I could have given up on my preference for rugged.
My personality wise, I would have chosen a bleeding-heart romantic. He is low in testosterone, but high in sensitivity. One who is prone to queue jumping and parking space snatching or bill-tampering would prefer not to confront the criminal but would instead think internally.
‘Karma will get you.’ I could have gone for a mild-mannered middle manager who actually reads furniture assembly instructions.
I was not able to be a manly man the first time.
But the truth is that, although the above might sound appealing, it isn’t to me. Alert! Pop psychology alert Maybe I am drawn to a stereotypically ‘manly man’ because I was missing an ever-present father figure in my own childhood. On the other hand, perhaps you can’t intellectualise these things too much: you just want what you want.
A dating expert recently wrote an article that showed there was a huge discrepancy between what someone says they want online and what actually happens in real life. The top requirements of daters were loyalty and kindness. When it comes to selecting a date, however, they emphasized the importance of being successful and good-looking.
I’ve learnt through bitter experience that you need to dig deep into yourself to work out your relationship patterns and suss out what you are programmed to like. And then decide if those choices are what’s best for you.
It is difficult to change patterns. A friend of mine is always there for an unavailable man. Men who are married, divorced, or work overseas, as well men serving in the Army, and all types of men. And she is continually disappointed because these guys don’t suddenly commit once their mission has been accomplished. There’s always a new mission.
Tara was another friend who was rigidly focused on her type of creative (tortured artists).
that she wouldn’t even contemplate others. But her relationships never ended well so my friend Sarah staged an intervention – she took over her dating apps and went through liking men Tara would normally swipe past.
Tara acquiesced to an arranged date and was unconvinced by Sarah’s choice on date one. Sarah demanded Tara go on a second date. Tara has just moved in with her boyfriend.
I may not have done quite such a dramatic about-turn as Tara but while I haven’t changed my type, I have definitely tweaked it.
While I love the idea of a classic alpha, I now want my man to also be self-aware and have emotional intelligence. However, thighs that are larger than mine will never be negotiable.
@lifesrosie