The end of a relationship is not easy. 

In these last heated talks, couples can inflict irreparable injury on the other by digging up old disputes and making hurtful remarks to make it sting. 

Neil Wilkie, British relationship expert and author of the article, says that this is not true. 

According to him, it’s possible to end a relationship in a manner that leaves both partners with respect for the other and mutual understanding. 

Avoid using 11 phrases and words that can be used to break up, such as ‘I hate’ or ‘I wish you had never met me’. Instead, celebrate the best parts of your relationship. Even better, he suggests getting feedback to help you move forward in your next relationship.

Relationship expert Neil Wilkie claims it is possible to handle break-ups in such a way that both sides come away with some sort of respect and understanding of the other, even if they are feeling hurt, angry or betrayed. Stock image

Neil Wilkie, a relationship expert, claims that it’s possible to deal with breakups so both parties leave feeling respect for the other. Image from stock

Neil stated to FEMAIL that “breakups are not always easy” because they represent the end of hope and the beginning uncertainty. 

“It is not uncommon for one partner to make the decision to break up, and the other to feel hesitant about continuing the relationship.

It’s even more challenging if an affair took place because the betrayed partner feels like they don’t deserve it and is no longer desirable.

“Emotions can be high and one could easily fall into victim mode, seeking to harm the other. While this may be a good feeling at the moment, it can lead to a lot of collateral harm. It is impossible to forget about the hurtful things that have been said.

Neil shows you the best phrases to stay away from and those that are better left.  

Here are some things to avoid

1. I hate you

Although you might hate them at the time, how useful is it to tell them that? You loved them at times, and you will have fond memories of the past. You will be unable to let your hatred consume you.

2. Your bed is your only friend

How to set the goals for a split-up. 

Neil shares some guidelines for people who are thinking about ending a relationship with their partner. These are the things you should consider when leaving a partner. 

  • You can learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating the bad habits.
  • Don’t blame others
  • Recognize each other’s contributions to the love and joy in your relationship.
  • Children involved should be treated as close friends. This will allow you to both become good co-parents.
  • Moving on to a more fulfilling relationship

They may have been, but they are a punch below the belt. It is an individual responsibility to love make and, if not great, can you create it?

3. You are at fault

Even if the victim has betrayed, it is rare that 100 percent of an incident can be attributed to another person. This is almost impossible to believe and can lead to a defensive response.

4. It’s impossible for me to ever see you again

Perhaps you are feeling that moment. It might seem to them that the door is shut in front of them and their past has been blocked.

5. Your pathetic.

How could you be in a relationship such as this with someone so pathetic? You are unlikely to receive a favorable response to this very negative criticism.

6. I wish I had never met you

You cannot, and you have not changed that. Consider instead what you have gained and the advantages you have derived from this relationship.

7. You will have a horrible life.

They will hear it for many years. Is it really you that hates them? Do you wish their future was terrible? This will help you to get on with your life.

8. My biggest error was being with you.

Perhaps it is just what you feel in the moment. With the benefit and wisdom of hindsight, maybe. This is just a reminder to you that you don’t make good decisions.

9. You are a better person than me.

This is not a good idea. They might seem better, but they won’t be perfect.

10. I intend to maintain the property/car/assets.

It can get really ugly and it is a great opportunity for lawyers to make a living as solicitors. Instead, try to reach an acceptable financial agreement.

Also, children are involved

11. You’re a terrible mother / father

A parent should immediately be alarmed. While they might not be as smart as you, their parental rights are protected. Your children should not be considered collateral damage.

Neil warned against ever attacking your partner's parenting abilities if you share children as this will not be conducive to successful co-parenting in the future. Stock image

Neil advised against criticizing your partner’s parenting ability if they share children. It will hinder the chances of successful co-parenting. Image from stock

But what should you say instead? 

1. Sorry it didn’t work out.

Both of you entered the relationship having shared dreams and hopes. It is a fact that the average lifespan of a couple is between 2 and 9 years. 

Due to social media’s pressure to find the perfect relationship, this life span is shrinking. It is increasing the number of churn rates due to easy access to swipe-right candidates via dating apps.

It is possible to express regret, which you may both feel.

2. Was there anything I could have done differently?

You have the opportunity to receive constructive feedback. You can learn from your mistakes and make improvements in the future. This can help you improve your behaviour.

3. The things you should have done differently

This will help you and your ex-partner to understand how to make things better for the future. This should not be about blaming your ex-partner and instead focus on what you feel about them.

4. Your greatest asset was your kindness.

There were probably some good things about them, as well as some activities that you liked. Let them know and be precise. This will allow you to anesthetize your pain.

5. These are the happy memories I cherish

You should celebrate the positive times. It will make you smile and look backwards.

6. My goal is for us to be wonderful co-parents to our children

Do you wish to pass on your legacy to children? Do you prefer parents who have divided up with your children and go to war, or ones who are gentle and put your interests first?

7. I wish you a wonderful future.

You wouldn’t want to do anything differently for someone that you loved. While you may not share a future, it is possible to set your loved one free and let them fly in their own.

Neil Wilkie is a Relationship Expert, Psychotherapist, author of the Relationship Paradigm Series of Books and creator of online couples therapy programme, The Relationship Paradigm®.