For those whose loved ones are grieving, it can be a difficult task to comfort them. It’s often hard for them to know the right words.
An expert in grief has revealed some of the unhelpful phrases and suggested that they may make the situation worse by leading to withdrawal.
Bianca Neumann is the Head of Grief at Sue Ryder. This is to mark Grief Awareness Week. It’s a reflection on your view that the loved one might not agree with.
It is important to not say nothing if you are feeling awkward.
She said that it is difficult to decide what to tell people who are close to someone’s death. ‘While each bereaved person’s experience will be different, these tips will give you guidance on what not to say when someone is grieving, as well as ideas for how to help them feel heard and supported.
Continue reading to learn the 5 things to avoid when talking to grieving people, and the helpful phrases.
An expert in grief has shown how these phrases can prove to be harmful and even worsen the situation for bereaved people (stock photo).
Don’t say: ‘You must be feeling…’
Don’t make assumptions about how they feel – You may have experienced a loss in the past and believe you understand what someone is going through, but everyone experiences grief differently – including feelings of shock, sadness, pain, anger, guilt, anxiety, and numbness.
Therefore, give the bereaved person space to tell you how they are feeling, and avoid saying things like, ‘You must be feeling…’ or ‘I know exactly how you feel’.
Similarly, sometimes people appear to be coping after a loved one’s death when they’re in fact struggling, therefore keep checking in regularly.
Do not say that they lived a long and happy life.
Do not try to make things right. It is tempting to think that you can help someone in grief feel better.
That’s why, if someone has died after a long illness, people might say things like, ‘It was for the best’, or ‘She’s at peace now’. When someone dies in old age, they may say, ‘At least he had a long life’, but statements like these aren’t always helpful.
Bereaved people might feel different or find it more comforting, leading to even greater isolation.
Do not say, “You will heal.”
Don’t tell them they will ‘heal’, ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’ – When someone is first bereaved, they may not be able to imagine a future without the person who has died. They might worry about their memories fading and find the idea of ‘moving on’ or ‘getting over it’ very upsetting. People often say, ‘time is a healer’, but bereavement is more than just healing, it includes finding personal ways to live with grief.
Do not say, “How long will it take for you to grieve?”
Do not set unrealistic expectations about how long your grief will last. Most people can find ways to deal with it and eventually feel better.
But setting a specific timeframe – for example, by saying something like, ‘It took my uncle two years to recover after my aunt died’ – can make them feel as if they are failing if things don’t improve.
However, everyone grieves differently and it can take several years. So, instead of worrying about how much time they will need, be sure to let them know that you’re there for them no matter what.
Do not say, “They’re better now.”
Talking about religion is a dangerous thing. After someone dies, people sometimes say things like, ‘He’s in a better place now’, or ‘It was God’s will’.
A bereaved individual may not believe or agree with God. They may believe that God took their beloved one, and they might feel angry.
Religion is a matter of faith. Listen to what the grieving person has to say and don’t mention it unless it seems appropriate.
Sue Ryder has created a nationwide movement for kindness and compassion around bereavement. To find out more visit sueryder.org/griefkind or to listen to their Grief Kind podcast visit http://podfollow.com/griefkind