Count Dracula

‘I have no wish to comment on tittle-tattle.

‘As to whether I did or did not plunge my teeth into this or that person’s neck and sucked all their blood, all I can say is that we haven’t got the facts yet and so we can’t possibly know.

‘If it emerges that I did plunge my teeth into the neck of this or that young lady, then this was because I thought it was a work event.

‘Furthermore, I can categorically state that I do not sleep in a coffin, as far as I am aware. As I stated, I have not seen or heard any evidence. But I do not wish to pre-judge the results of the inquiry.’

Christopher Lee as Count Dracula in the 1966 film Dracula: Prince Of Darkness

Christopher Lee as Count Dracula in the 1966 film Dracula: Prince Of Darkness

The Farmer’s Wife

‘For many years, I have enjoyed seeing how mice run.

‘When I went into that kitchen just after six on May 20, it was solely to thank the mice for all the running they had managed to do during this difficult time.

‘Perhaps I should have thought of some other way of thanking them. It may have been wrong to trim their tails with an emery knife.

‘Let me also say I had no idea the three mice in question were blind. It is possible that I was informed by them that their eyesight wasn’t perfect and they might have needed spectacles in order to see the carving knives. However, this information I do not recall.

‘Nor did I have any idea that they valued their tails so highly. It was something I might have missed, even though it is something that I am completely without.

‘I am deeply sorry for any hurt and embarrassment I may have caused those three blind mice, however inadvertently, and I wish them all the very best for the future.’

Lord Raglan (October 25, 1854)

‘I’m so, so sorry but we just weren’t ready for the Charge of the Light Brigade.

‘We tried absolutely everything we could to put it together in time and for the charge to be good enough but we’ve been absolutely destroyed by communication difficulties and enemy fire and that.

‘I’m gutted. I’m sorry it’s so last-minute, we were planning a really great charge and now me and my team have all been awake for these past 30 hours trying to figure out what went wrong.

‘I’m so upset and so gutted and I’m really embarrassed and so, so sorry to everyone.

‘We’re planning another charge as we’re ready, and we’re determined to make it the best ever, and we’re definitely gonna go that extra half a league onward. Love ya!’

The Charge of the Light Brigade: A failed military action at Battle of Balaclava in the Crimean War

The Charge of the Light Brigade: An unsuccessful military action at Battle of Balaclava, Crimean War

The Big Bad Wolf


Wolf: You are right, it has always been my belief. . . ever since this has happened and since this has become, as it were, public knowledge that I was there, I’ve questioned myself as to why did I go and what was I doing and was it the right thing to do? That’s . . . that’s . . . that’s the bit It is. . . that . . I do that on a daily basis.


Wolf: It was something I wanted to learn more about the world of international business. It was clear that leadership required me to step into the woods.

Interviewer: Why did you decide to go into the cottage to eat grandmamma and then pretend to be her while waiting for grand-daughter? Is that right?

Wolf: To be honest, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t me. When I’m out, I wear a suit with a tie. It is rare that I dress like an elderly lady.

In my time, I believed it to be the right and honorable thing to do. However, I must admit that my judgement was clouded by my tendency towards being too honorable. That’s . . . that’s . . . that’s the bit That. . . that . . . That, it seems, is something I constantly resent.

Fortunately, I’ve just remembered, I was in Pizza Express in Woking that evening. The party was simple to shoot.