Experts offer their top tips on how to best deal with grief after the death of a child.
Grief can be a very complex emotion and each person will experience it differently. However, many people agree that getting support and help can be difficult.
Radio DJ Myleene Klass (43), just last week She revealed that she was unable to talk about her four miscarriages over a full year in a W documentary.
Following the ordeal, the TV personality revealed that she had experienced ‘grief and trauma, sadness, fear’.
FEMAIL has exclusive access to the best advice from experts in the UK to help you and your loved ones through the difficult time of losing your baby.
Experts have shared their tips on how to deal with grief and what you should or shouldn’t say. Stock image
1. Think Before you speak
Ruth Mark-Roland, a psychotherapist, says that platitudes about losing don’t alleviate the pain of the bereaved. Instead, they communicate that their loss has been minimized and unsupported.
She says, “A person who has lost a child is not able to think about the future or even the possibility of a future without them,” she explained. They are afflicted by the unimaginable loss of their child.
They want to be heard, they desire to be seen. Their loss is validated by the simple act of acknowledging it.
Ruth suggests that certain phrases should be said and some phrases should be avoided.
2. Talk to the right people
Zoe Clews is a mental health expert who says that expression is the antithesis of depression. “We can’t grieve without expressing how we feel.
“But make sure to talk to “safe people”, that could be a grief counselor, a therapist or a good friend. They might also be someone who has experienced a similar and heartbreaking loss to you and can relate to it with understanding and compassion.
She continues to say that grieving the loss of a child is a very ‘vulnerable’ time in your life. Therefore, she advises being ‘choosy with who you share your heart.
She says, “Not everyone will understand or have EQ (emotional intelligence),”
Meanwhile, speaking in partnership with Hand on Heart Jewellery, Ruth explains how in Western society, grief – including those of a baby or child – is frequently silenced and ignored.
She said that many people often feel that there is a shelf-life for grief. “Once the funeral is over everyone’s life seems to resume its normal rhythm. For the parent who has lost a child, this new reality is only beginning to sink in.
‘Allowing parents to talk about their loved ones, whether it’s through telling stories or simply talking about the life-altering event, can be cathartic. They long for a safe place to talk about what has been denied them.
3. Recognize that grief comes in waves. It is different for everyone
Zoe Clews notes that after the tragic loss of a child, you might feel manipulated by it for a while and then feel strangely okay the next day. However, you will be triggered by something very unlikely and back to square.
She says, “Recovery doesn’t happen in a linear fashion. Grief is not linear.” Allow yourself to feel what you want.
Elsewhere, Gemma goes on to note that there is no timeframe for grieving to be over.
“Because of the pain that grief can cause, it can be easy not to feel that it’s over now,” she said. Grief is something that takes time. Each person’s journey to grief is unique. There is no one size fits everyone.
Highlighting how there is no ‘one way’ to feel grief, she continues: ‘When you are grieving, you can feel a spectrum of emotions for example, sadness, loneliness, relief, anger, disbelief.’
The list is endless. It is normal for you to feel one thing in one moment and another in another moment. Grief can often cause emotional shock.
“Grief doesn’t have to be for someone or anything living.
‘One of the big misconceptions about grief is that we only grieve things that have physically died. This is false. We can grieve anyone we have lost.
“This could be a loss of something significant or a time in your life when things were different.
Gemma also emphasized that “smiling is fine.”
She says that sometimes people feel like they can’t enjoy certain aspects of life while they grieve. This is false. You may find times when you are able to smile and engage in activities that make you happy. And there may be times when you don’t. Both are fine.
5. Do something physical
Zoe points out that duvet days allow you to ‘collapse’ and are also available. This is a temporary but essential part of the healing process following the death of a child. It is important to keep your body moving in order to process the shock and grief.
Zoe advises that nothing strenuous or taxing (you’ve been through enough) is better than gentle walks in nature to help your ground. Let nature support you.
Gemma also highlights the importance of taking care of your physical needs.
‘It is very common for people who are grieving to stop feeling motivated to do the things that are good for their physical health, such as, washing, eating or exercising,’ she explains.
‘It is really important to try and keep these things up as much as possible as they will be working really hard to keep you going at a time when your emotions aren’t able to help as much.
‘If you need to, you can ask a friend or family member to help you keep up with your physical needs.’