He was greeted by a group of hungry dogs when it came to feeding time.
Yap, yap yap. Nip! Once Her Majesty’s Press corps get a whiff of scandal, not even the deftest of decoys can throw them off the scent.
They harrassed the Prime Minister hard about the smell of Westminster sleaze. Boris struggled and grumbled as he moved his bodyweight in this and that direction.
Our purpose was to speak at the Cop26 summit, Glasgow. More specifically, how Britain was leading the way while less responsible nations still weren’t doing their bit.
Instead, here was the PM having to insist in front of a worldwide audience that the UK was ‘not remotely a corrupt country’, but had a ‘very, very tough system of parliamentary democracy and scrutiny’. Vladimir Putin, over in Moscow must have been drinking an ice-cold Stolichnaya while chatting to his sturgeon eggs.
Twice, Boris was given an opportunity to apologise for the steaming mess he’d caused from the Owen Paterson affair. Twice, he declined. He refused to take the test for 22 minutes. In which time he appeared as relaxed as a schoolboy dressed in a Guernsey sweater. How much better it would have been if he’d just come to the Commons on Monday to face the brickbats.
Stuttering, The Prime Minister in Glasgow. Henry Deedes reports that the pack was hurling abuse at the Prime Minister over the smell of sleaze coming from Westminster.
Each question was started by a polite inquiry about Cop. That’s why we were there, after all. But these were only amuse-bouches before getting into the meat of it. There are hints of Lieutenant Columbo doing a few underarm lobs, before getting in for the killing. ‘Oh, just one more thing…’
ITV’s Robert Peston certainly makes for a passable TV gumshoe, does he not? Craggy hair – check. Bedraggled clothing – check. A faintly meandering manner capable of getting under even the coolest of cucumber’s fingernails – check, check, check. After being accused by the Speaker of discrediting the House, he wondered if the PM might be making an apology.
The PM rambled in vain. He was very down on those who ‘break the rules’, he said. He put his faith in Labour MP Chris Bryant’s standards committee to bring about reform. That’s the same one he’d pretty much expressed zero confidence in last week.
Beth, from Sky, had her turn. She raised her lower jaw, and then flared her nostrils. Had there been a bludgeon nearby I do believe she might have aimed it at the PM’s forehead. She wondered about MPs ‘putting their jobs first’.
Does he believe all his MPs were guilty of that crime? This clearly refers to ex-attorney General Sir Geoffrey Cox. He, this newspaper learned this week, trousered almost nine hundred large one-time victims during the pandemic in order to do some legal extracurricular work. Gadzooks. Who was the blighter representing – OJ Simpson?
Boris replaced the cap on his pen with a loud ‘click’. Boris shrugged and raised his arms in defense. ‘I don’t want to comment on individual cases,’ he sighed.
Twice, Boris was given an opportunity to apologise for the steaming mess he’d caused from the Owen Paterson affair. Twice, he declined. Instead, he submitted to a 22 minute test in which he was about as comfy as a schoolboy wearing a Guernsey sweater hand-knitted.
‘I’m very, very sorry’, he said. This is a rare moment in the afternoon. ‘I’ve got to go and catch a climate-friendly means of transport back to London’
He insisted those not putting their constituents first should face ‘appropriate sanctions’. I’m no Russell Grant, but it sounded awfully like Sir Loudmouth may soon be taking the Chiltern Hundreds. That’s resigning, to all the non-political nerds out there.
One lady from The Daily Telegraph, of all places! The PM again asked for an apology. The PM made a sidestep that would have been worthy of Gareth Edwards, a rugby player. The foreign hackers were also coming in.
Agence France-Presse was questioned by a person asking if the PM felt confident his standards would be accepted in any investigation. ‘All my declarations are in conformity within the rules’, he replied. He offered to let journalists have a look. I’m sure the thought had probably occurred.
Boris was soon removing his face mask. ‘I’m very, very sorry’, he said. It was certainly a first of the afternoon. ‘I’ve got to go and catch a climate-friendly means of transport back to London.’
In other words, no private jet at this moment. Oh dear. A warm G&T and a mouldy West Coast train line sarnie for sups by the sounds of it. Then, whoosh! And he ran off, faster than any rabbit going around a dogtrack.