In these times of extreme peril, my country is in desperate need of me.

Free will could be crushed, governments may fall and there is one man who stands in the middle of all this chaos to rescue us from destruction. And that’s me: Secret Agent Matt Hancock, 007.

My name is John, and you think I am the perfect cack-handed politician. He’s also a gaffe-prone health secretary, grey-suited man who finds himself immersed in scandal. Ha! You fools.

Try again. My elaborate cover has fooled everyone over the years. Did you recall the time I claimed to be crying on television breakfast the morning after receiving the first shot? ‘We can’t blow it now,’ I said, choking back the onion tears. God, it was great.

Hapless former Health Sec Hancock

Dashing Daniel Craig as James Bond

Hancock, the former Health Secretary has taken on a new position… back bench agent 007

The Covid numbers were erroneous, the NHS Test and Trace app crashed, and the pingdemic whipped us all into panic. Not to mention the press conferences that urged people to remain at home in order to save the NHS and live longer. It wasn’t idiocy, it was strategy.

Now I am able to reveal my true identity and mission through this smokescreen.

People! I wasn’t a Cabinet minister with a bungled brief. I was a spy on Her Majesty’s Secret Service, an international man of mystery, a hero not a zero. My dossier of photos reveals the full extent of my life as James Bond-like to the world today.

Cock, Hancock is the name. No, hang on, that doesn’t work. Matt is the name, Door Matt. Wait, I can do better.

Hancock's workplace tryst with Gina Coladangelo

Daniel Craig and Monica Belluci in Spectre

Hancock with Gina Coladangelo, Hancock with Bond with Monica Belluci.

Hancock enjoying a swim in London's Serpentine

Daniel Craig's iconic reveal in Casino Royale

Hancock and Bond have made a splash with their outrageous antics in the water.

It is secretary, health secretary. . . Well, that was before I resigned from my affair. Bond is My-Words-Is My Bond. Well, no, it isn’t. Ask my wife. Wait, a call is coming in on the Bat Phone. Judi Dench, as M.

‘Bond, I need you back,’ she tells me.

‘I never left,’ I reply, pulling on my trusty black polo-neck. Once more I am ready to serve — on land and even in the sea.

Daniel Craig isn’t the only one who has a license to thrill. I also have issues with the women. What about those secret photos taken in my office These photos look terrible. They look like Bond was groping his assistant Miss Gina nee Trembler in Spectre. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Matt Hancock visiting a climbing wall when he was still a minister

Roger Moore as Bond in For Your Eyes Only

Roger Moore doesn’t seem to be the only climber who enjoys looking cool.

Hancock was all action during his time as Health Secretary

Daniel Craig performing stunts during his tenure as the iconic spy

Hancock was never afraid to get involved in politics during his years at the forefront of it

I accept I breached social-distancing guidance. This is how it happened. I only had three minutes before enemy agents hid a decoding tool. It wasn’t in my top drawer. It was not in my top drawer.

‘Is it here?’ I asked Miss Trembler, using my bionic fingertips to ascertain that they had not hidden the decoder in her booby- trapped tights.

What are the hazards of your job? Kay Burley (Smersh operative) was interviewed by Sky News. ‘How long will the ban on casual sex last?’ she asked during the first lockdown, bold as a brass bedpost.

Matt Hancock meeting Prince Charles

Daniel Craig meeting Prince Charles

Hancock and Craig looking sexy when meeting the royalty at Her Majesty’s Service

Hancock in a coat and wearing a baseball cap

Craig starring in a Omega Seamaster Watch ad

Hancock and Craig are both spies. They know how to hide in the darkest of clothes.

Hancock in flight gear

Roger Moore in flight gear

They look serious and ready for battle in the flight gear.

My most worried face was on display. ‘People need to be careful, Kay,’ I told her. ‘Only sleep with members of your immediate staff.’

It is part of the territory to be able to greet the monarchs.

‘Have you come far?’ Prince Charles asks me, with a wink. For he knows exactly where I’ve come from — Safin’s Poison Factory on Tracy Island.

After all, I am on Her Majesty’s Secret Service, as he well knows. ‘Thunderbirds are go,’ I whisper, patting his arm so he knows I know he knows.

While a security officer bundles me into an enclosed van blacked out, Prince William smiles. It’s just another day in spyland.