The topic of ending relationships is front and center in the news, from Adele’s album that was inspired by her divorce to Ioan Gruffud’s very public marriage breakup,
But how do you determine when a marriage can be saved? When is it time for you to part ways?
Three UK-based relationship experts spoke to FEMAIL to share their advice on how to ask the right questions before you give up on a relationship. They also shared their tips on how to identify the issues that can be and cannot be resolved.
They also shared their advice about what to do if it is time to move on, including how to handle the issue with children.
The news is full of stories about relationships ending, from Adele’s album made by her divorce to Ioan gruffud’s very public marital breakdown. Pictured in 2013, Adele and her ex husband.
IDENTIFY THE RED FLAGS
Recognizing the issues that are driving your marriage to the brink is the first step.
Rachael, eharmony’s relationship expert explained that red flags can be a variety of things. They could include dishonesty or avoiding spending time together. Or feeling like your partner is affecting your mood, self-esteem and self-belief. Maybe you are realizing that their values don’t match your expectations.
Margaret Bankole, a relationship expert, added:
- You don’t feel the same way about each other anymore
- You are making one another miserable. You are making each other miserable.
- You are all stifling one another, and want different things. Different outlooks on life
- You both are pulling in different directions, and you aren’t willing to compromise or be there with each other.
- Unfaithfulness that the other party is not willing to forgive
CAN THE RED FLAG BE TURNED TO ‘AMBER’?
Vihan Patel, a relationship expert explained that not every red flag means the end.
He stated that there are many red flags to indicate a problem in a relationship, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that those red flags should be ignored.
I believe that the biggest red flags to look out for in a relationship are: ‘Cheating and lack of communication, ‘lack of trust, and a past that has not been resolved are ‘Cheating’.
“But that does not mean that these problems cannot be resolved with a little effort and time from all those involved.
“Making your concerns explicit and setting boundaries is a great method to turn red flags green and eventually eliminate them entirely.
RED FLAGS NOT TO BE IGNORED
There are certain red flags that should be addressed, such as abusive behavior.
Rachel said: ‘Any signs of abuse – be that physical or emotional – are a clear sign a marriage should end. These are not issues that can easily be fixed. The damage has already been done.
“It’s important that you are aware of less obvious signs of emotional abuse. This can come in many forms from gaslighting – where your spouse makes you question your own sense of reality – to narcissistic tendencies such as negging, where you’re constantly being put down by your partner.’
GIVE THEM AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHANGE
Give your spouse the chance to improve before you end it.
Rachel explained: What’s important to remember is that every relationship (even those that look Instagram- perfect) requires effort on both sides.
“Relationships should not be difficult, but they require elements of compromise as well as individual input.
‘Always ask yourself if you’ve done your best to communicate your needs and concerns to your partner – we can all fall into the trap of assuming they’re a mind-reader.
“Have they given you a chance to listen to your concerns and take action?
Have you ever talked about how you have noticed a change in your relationship? Would you like to work together on the issues?
“Have you thought about couples therapy if your worries are hard to express?
“However, it’s important that you evaluate your compatibility and determine if the relationship is deteriorating due to lack communication and inability to prioritise.
Vihan agrees: ‘I think a good way to look at this is to have a plan of action, if it has reached a point where you are questioning your relationship then perhaps list your concerns/needs and give yourself a timeframe.
Communicate your concerns and needs to your partner. Also, clarify your time frame and what you want. If your partner fails to meet your needs within the timeframe you have specified, you can reevaluate the situation and either increase the timeline (if your partner has made sufficient changes so far), or tell your partner straight up that it is not going to work.
Alice Evans has spoken out about her split from Ioan Gruffudd. After he made public his relationship with his new girlfriend, the couple are back in the news.
DON’T SPREAD SUGAR ON YOUR PARTNER IN FRONT of YOUR CHILDREN
Vihan stated that happiness is the most important thing in life.
Guarded communication is a good option when there is a child involved. While it is best not to leave your child in the dark, one parent should leave the house at night. However, they may still need to hear every detail of the separation.
“Explain to them, first and foremost that they are not to blame, and that things will change at least for the beginning.
“Whether you have had an amicable separation or not, it is important to put aside any differences with your partner at the least when your child’s around. The child should not hear one parent complaining about the other. Friends at the pub can do that.
LET GO OF GUILT
Rachel said: ‘Guilt is a normal and natural reaction to what is one of the biggest life decisions imaginable. It can become all-consuming when you add children to the mix.
“Societal expectations don’t help, with images still of happy married, nuclear families very much the dominant norm.
“However there are likely to be very good reasons for someone seriously considering ending their marriage. It’s not always an easy decision.
“As such, you should think long-term about the benefits to yourself and to your children.
Yes, it will be a rollercoaster ride and people will feel hurt. But, sometimes a divorce can bring about positive change. Your children deserve to be the best version of themselves.