As usual, Her Majesty is right. If in doubt, pull out.

The Queen has sent her regrets and won’t attend Cop26 in Glasgow. She is following doctors’ advice, and she will stick to ‘light duty’ as far as the drawing room.

I’m sure a 95 year-old would enjoy nothing more than a round at cocktail parties with pompous heads – fresh from their carbon-spewing private aircrafts, making glib claims about how to save the world.

Particularly since Her Majesty has been a recycler her entire life. She still uses those tiny Tupperware containers for breakfast and continues to rotate her unique collection of couture coats and hats from half a hundred years ago, much to fashionistas’ admiration.

Cop26 is beginning to look like a B-lister event with only a few days before the big kick-off. 

Over a hundred and thirty countries will send delegations, mostly young and committed, to the meeting. But without the Queen, will the A listers and power brokers take it seriously?

The residents of Glasgow are divided on the matter. With over 30,000 people expected, renting a sofa or anything that looks like a bed is a good way to make a fortune. 

All hotels are booked, along with two cruise liners that are moored near them. AirBnb rates are also high.

Over two thousand people are currently without a place to stay. Let’s hope they don’t nap on the streets. This week, Glasgow’s famous rats were in the news for biting refuse workers. 

The Queen (pictured) has sent 'her regrets' and won't be attending Cop26 in Glasgow this weekend as she adheres to doctors' advice and sticks to 'light duties' no further away than the drawing room

The Queen (pictured), has sent her ‘her regrets’ to Cop26 in Glasgow this weekend. She follows doctors’ instructions and stays to ‘light duty’ no further than the drawing-room.

JANET STREET-PORTER: The President of China, the world's worse offender, is also unavailable, too busy running a country where a new coal fired power station was built every week last year - faster than the time it takes my council to empty the recycling bin (Pictured: President Xi Jingping of China)

JANET STREET PORTER : China’s President is also unavailable. He is too busy managing a country where a new power station was built every other week last year – faster that it takes my council time to empty the recycling bin. (Pictured: President Xi Jingping from China)

General view of the Hydro, one of the venues for the UN COP26 in Glasgow

General view of Hydro, one of the venues at the UN COP26 Glasgow 

The Armadillo, Exhibition Halls and SSE Hydro, on the Scottish Event Campus alongside the River Clyde in Glasgow, which will host Cop26

The Armadillo and Exhibition Halls, along with SSE Hydro, are located on the Scottish Event Campus near the River Clyde in Glasgow. They will host Cop26

The leader of the SNP council acknowledged that there had been “one or two instances of very minor contact” with rodents. However, this was considered normal in most cities.

To add to the toxic mix, 1,500 Council workers, including refuse collectors, cater workers, and janitors, are on strike for better wages for the duration Cop. RMT train staff also are on strike.

Numerous roads are closed, as well as five schools. Major museums and galleries have closed. Instead of using public transport, delegates will be driven by car in designated traffic lanes. This will force ordinary commuters to squeeze into one lane, creating more fumes.

Cop, with its green devotees, is good news for vegan bars, restaurants, and clubs. But will it benefit the environment?

PR-wise, the less Royals will fly the flag for Britain’s world-beating environmental credentials. They will be making rounds, including William and Kate, Charles and Camilla. But they received the E message long ago.

JANET STREET-PORTER: Delegates from over a hundred and thirty countries are going to turn up in their thousands (mainly young and committed), but - without the Queen, will the A-listers and the power brokers be taking it seriously?

JANET STREET-PORTER: Delegates from over a hundred and thirty countries are going to turn up in their thousands (mainly young and committed), but – without the Queen, will the A-listers and the power brokers be taking it seriously?

Charles once told us that he talked with his plants. Now, we laugh at the joke, and he is revered for his concern for the environment. It’s much easier to have an army of helpers to wash up, recycle and do all the pressing.

We applaud Kate for donating that gorgeous one-off dress to James Bond’s premiere. But don’t dwell too much on the cost. . . It was not made of recycled washing up containers. 

The Royals will make a strong effort to send messages of concern about the imminent threat to Earth. It’s a message that’s harder to sign up for if you’re an ordinary person who bought a diesel car when politicians told us to, who now faces a whopping surcharge of £12.50 a day to drive from your own doorstep in inner London.

What about the Cop 26 guests list? The industrialists and politicians who have the real power to change the rules. Boris, our leading climate change balladeer says that they can stop everyone from’swaddling the entire planet in a tea cosy full of toxic stuff’.

Cop26 will succeed where 25 other Cops seem unable? Despite endless protocols, targets, and treaties that are all meant to prevent this, the levels of greenhouse gases have reached a new high.

Despite decades of high-profile gatherings in luxury hotels with lavish banquets and endless toasts to Paris, Kyoto and Mexico, Copenhagen, Dubai, and South Africa, global warming is still a problem.

According to the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP), even if the UK and 50 other countries have made their pledges to reduce their emissions, there will still be a 2.7% increase in temperature by 2100. 

Some countries, such as China and Saudi Arabia, claim they can achieve zero emissions by 2060.

JANET STREET-PORTER: Scott Morrison (pictured), the hapless Prime Minister of Australia, the biggest exporter of fossil fuels in the G20, wasn't going to come - saying he was 'too busy' but maybe he didn't want to be accused of racking up unnecessary air miles

JANET STEET-PORTER. Scott Morrison (pictured), the miserable Prime Minister of Australia and the largest exporter of fossil fuels in G20, didn’t plan to attend. He claimed he was too busy but maybe he didn’t want the stigma of flying unnecessary distances.

JANET STREET-PORTER: Greta Thunberg (pictured) will make a celebrity appearance and preach to the converted

JANET STREET PORTER: Greta Thunberg, (pictured), will make a star appearance and preach to converts

Here’s the truth: it’s too little too late. Scientists believe we must produce 55% less pollution before 2030 in order to reach the targets set by previous conferences.

Fat chance.

Cop 26 was supposed the head-bashing brainstorming event that brought about world leaders’ awakening. Boris is believed to be concerned. No wonder. It has already failed.

Some of the most prolific polluters on the planet have called in their excuses. Putin isn’t showing up, claiming that there has been an increase in Covid infections at home.

The President of China is also unavailable. He is too busy running a country that has a new coal-fired power station built every week last year. This is faster than it takes my council for the recycling bin to be empty.

Greta Thunberg, a celebrity appearance, will preach to the converted.

Scott Morrison, the poor Prime Minister of Australia and the largest exporter of fossil fuels in G20, didn’t plan to attend. He said he was too busy, but maybe he didn’t want to be accused for racking up unnecessary air mileage.

Scott has now done a U-turn – possibly to justify his rash promise to the Aussies that they will have net zero carbon emission by 2050, although he didn’t attach a plan detailing how the country with the highest per capita emissions in a top ranking nation will achieve this dream goal.

JANET STREET-PORTER: Some of the biggest polluters on the planet have phoned in their excuses. Putin's not turning up, claiming a surge in Covid infections back home (Pictured: President Putin of Russia)

JANET STREET PORTER: Some of our biggest polluters have called to make excuses. Putin claims that Covid infections have increased back home, but he isn’t appearing.

Boris, who is determined to win every race, even one that’s over a cliff, has committed to net zero emissions for the UK by 2050 (without any cost plan) and wants to phase-out gas boilers by 2030.

There is a lot confusion about how to accomplish this, mostly caused by Big Mouth. Not telling school kids that recycling isn’t important or ‘doesn’t make sense’ didn’t help. Joking that humans and pets account for 97% of the world’s life, whereas wild animals make up 3%, was not a good idea.

Boris is right that not everything is a joke. Cop 26 uses old-world methods in search of a solution for a very recent catastrophe. To reach a ‘deal’, people-carriers, hotel rooms and conference centres are all used. It sounds very Victorian.

This is especially true given that it’s happening in a place with the worst health outcomes in Scotland and the rest of the UK, where men live just 74 years on average. 

The difference in life expectancy can be as high as 14 years depending on whether you live somewhere in the middle class or in a substandard tenement. If I was poor and lived in Glasgow I would be at the end my life.

Please forgive me if Cop26’s pomp and pretentiousness seems to be just as relevant to me as the daft protestors who are glued to the A40 and every road they can with their Freedom Passes.

Cop26 is an environment disaster in itself.

So, I guess Glasgow, a beautiful city to visit but one that is also filthy, where drug abuse, poor housing, and poverty are some of the worst in the UK, is about as appropriate a venue for this orgy hypocritical virtue-signalling.