You’ve met someone – finally.
They are smart, funny and generous. They are great friends and get along well with your other friends.
Everything is just perfect…except you’re not entirely sure you fancy them.
Many people believe that if they don’t feel an immediate sexual attraction it is a sign of infidelity.
It is possible, but not guaranteed.
Contrary to popular belief, long-lasting relationships that work often go beyond the ‘lightning bolt.
If there are strong connections in other areas, then sexual attraction is possible.
Tracey Cox, stock image: If someone is perfect but you don’t like them, it’s not too late. There are still ways to spark a sexual connection.
Chemistry is an effective attractant. However, there are other reasons to not place too much importance on it.
Not all chemistry is good.
However, being strongly attracted does not necessarily mean that they will be a good fit for us.
They ‘click with abusers who’ve been abused. They feel familiar – triggering that ‘I know this person even though I don’t know them feeling’ we’re all seduced by – because they share the same qualities their abuser did.
A rare case.
If you find yourself in relationships that are dominated by sex, it is a sign you give sexual attraction too much power.
Tracey says intense physical chemistry could be detrimental because it may lead you to someone who’s not the right match for your relationship.
You can’t force sexual attraction – but you can give it space to grow and breathe.
You can try to make a connection with someone that you really like, or think might be.
Here’s how…
GIVE IT AT LEAST THREE DATES
It can be difficult for you to feel comfortable with each other if you or your partner are shy.
Let go of the pressure at the beginning of a relationship and enjoy the journey. The best thing is to make a new friend.
Be casual. Begin a casual conversation with your friends. Then, go out together into the world and observe how it feels. A 28-year-old man explained to me that although he was good friends with the girl at work, he didn’t believe he loved her. “Then, I invited her along to a birthday party for a friend and she started to chat up. It was then that I realized how beautiful she was, even though it wasn’t her ‘type. I felt insanely jealous.’
The couple has been married for almost two years.
Do not dismiss people just because they do not meet your expectations.
It takes time to find true attraction. People expect instant connections and many relationships fail.
Do something together that is thrilling
Perhaps you have heard of “Love Bridge”: A controversial psychological experiment that was carried out in the 70s.
A woman approached men crossing an unsafe bridge and asked for their opinions.
It was low and swaying, with a large drop in the river below.
The women gave the number to the men and told them they could contact her for more information.
Also, they will have an excuse to contact her and follow them.
A woman researcher stopped halfway between the bridges to stop men from crossing them.
This bridge, however, was solid and didn’t move above the stream.
You can also contact her afterward to get more details.
Only two out of 16 people called the women on the stable bridge. Nineteen of the 18 participants called on the unsafe bridge.
The researcher’s conclusion was that men on the rickety bridge felt stressed and jittery – kind of how you feel when you’re attracted to someone and aren’t sure if it’s reciprocated.
Attraction was the result of fear.
This conclusion was not only questioned later, but it has also been shown that bonding through adrenaline-boosting activities can strengthen a person’s relationship.
You can think of skydiving or going to the movies to see a scary movie. Or, you could go to a theme park and ride a rollercoaster.
LOOK AT OTHER CONNECTION POINTS
A woman I spoke to on social media said that she could go from having no interest to being attracted if they get to know me and are interested in the person. “Personality, connection and charisma can make someone attractive.”
According to psychologists, there are five main areas that can either make or break relationships.
Do you feel it?), compatibility (how much do you have in common?), common goals (how many do you share?Pace (are your life speeds comparable? Timing (are you in the same place in your life?).
Couples that are blissfully together for the rest of their lives tend to be connected on five levels. However, couples who can match on just three or four are still able to enjoy happy and fulfilling relationships.
What about other aspects of chemistry if chemistry isn’t ticked?
People are extremely seductive because of their personality traits.
You may find sexual attraction if you laugh with your partner.
All of us have been there: judged a couple as being more attractive physically than another, only to change our mind when we see how ridiculous they are.
SPEAK ABOUT SEX
Talking about sex can give you insight into the kind of person they may be.
This can also cause sexual tension.
You can make up a story to tell about your friend’s sex life. Then, have some gossip. You’ll be surprised at their responses.
Ask how sex was in their past relationships (go on – be brave!Talk about the latest sex trends or what you have seen in social media. Ask them what the most sexy films have they ever seen.
Sex is a topic that creates desire. Talking to someone about it with whom you like can help your brain connect desire and them.
Don’t get sexy yet.
If you start sex with someone too soon, you are almost certain that it will not succeed.
Only a strong spark of sexual desire can make sex work with someone we don’t even know.
Research suggests that avoiding sex on at least six occasions allows for the desire and building of a relationship.
The best way to attract someone is through familiarity.
Also, time is a motivator.
It’s no surprise that online relationships are so popular. You feel more committed if you have already spent time getting to know your partner and you are much more inclined to try it out, even though you may not be able to see the same chemistry in person.
CONTACT THEM
Even touching is not sexual.
As you walk along the streets, grab their arm and snuggle up on the couch if they’re looking at something.
The power of touch is to connect. The more someone touches us – in a non-threatening, inoffensive way – the more appealing they become.
Dating experts suggest that you touch your first date three times for three seconds, each time.
You can start in a safe place: the forearm and hand.
A palm placed on the person’s lower back can help to improve their friendship. While this can add sexual tension, it is not too far-fetched.
You can also kiss the cheeks instead of on the cheeks if you wish to go all out. Pull back, make eye contact and then return in for a quick kiss.
SEEK A CADLELIT DINNER
It is amazing how important eyes are in couple relationship. The gateway to love is often nicknamed the eyes because eye contact has a direct influence on whether or not we will fall in love.
The more we like someone, the longer we lock eyes with them and the more likely the brain is to produce PEA (phenylethylamine) – a substance released when we fall in love.
Your chances of falling in love are higher if there is more PEA in you system.
When you go out for dinner, it is almost impossible not to look at someone across the table.
Another advantage is to go somewhere with low light levels.
Our pupils dilate when we look at something we like or love – consequently, we’re instinctively attracted to large pupils.
To artificially dilate the pupils of their pupils, Italian women used belladonna (an extract taken from the deadly nightshade) to make their eyes more appealing to other people in the 18th Century.
You can also try less extreme measures.
Candlelit dinners at a good, old-fashioned diner not only soften our faces and show off our best looks, but also highlight our pupils.
Less light equals bigger pupils
If you can gaze at your partner in such a setting, it will transform the friendship from friendship to romantic.
KISS THEM
A 40-year old woman said that she met her husband while I was in recovery from a severe illness. “I’m a particular type of woman and the man I chose was very different to me. However, he was very gentle and compassionate and made me feel safe.
‘I liked him – a lot – but I wasn’t physically attracted. Two months later, I knew it wasn’t friendship. It was too late to continue leading him. It wouldn’t work out romantically so I said goodbye and kissed his lips. I was snatched by his hand and he kissed me right on the lips. It was that simple.
A pivotal moment in any relationship is the first kiss. When someone is good at kissing, it’s a sign that they will make great lovers. If they refuse to kiss, then we take the opposite view.
We kiss for evolutionary reasons. The first kiss is the equivalent to exchanging biological business cards.
Your body checks that you are a suitable genetic match.
If you don’t have the right smell or taste, then you will not be able communicate with each other.
Kissing can also trigger the release of oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone that makes us feel more connected.
Deepen your breath, and then pucker up. This will probably be the test that you are looking for and it should tell you all you need.
You are looking for something more than just socks for your partner? Tracey has a variety of products available at lovehoney.co.uk, and traceycox.com.